A friend was in front of me coming out of the Synagogue one day, and as always the Rabbi was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Rabbi said to him, "You need to join the Army of G-d!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of G-d, Rabbi."

The Rabbi questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur?"

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The following statements about the Bible were written by children and have not been retouched or corrected:

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

2. A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.

3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

9. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.

10. Then Joshua led the battle of Geritol.

11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

12. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

Two Jews walk into a bar.

The first Jew orders an Arafat.

The second Jew says "Why would you order a drink called Arafat?"

There is the story of a person who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.

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While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign... Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church and to be the center of attention.

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Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce ten commandments.
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Somebody said that there are only two kinds of people in the world... there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord!", and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning!"
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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: I have circled the block ten times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OURTRESPASSES.

When he returned, he foun d a citation from a police officer along with this note: I've circled this block for ten years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.

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A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!".

"Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"

Subject: What Religion are We?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday school. So they went to the nearest church, but only the janitor was there.

One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water. We're not Bablist because they dunk all of you. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yes. What do you think that means?"

A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy.

After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding having more than one wife.

HOLY LIGHT BULBS

How many church people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

CHARISMATIC: Only one. Hands already in the air.

ROMAN CATHOLICS: None. They use candles.

PENTECOSTALS: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

PRESBYTERIANS: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

EPISCOPALIANS: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.

UNITARIANS: We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own Journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions,including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted,all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

METHODISTS: Two. One to change the bulb and one to check the "Manual for Changing Bulbs in the Methodist Church".

BAPTISTS: At least fifteen: One to change the light bulb, and two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and also a casserole.

LUTHERANS: None. Lutherans do not believe in change.

UNITED: Six. One to change the bulb and five to prepare the lunch.

Osama Bin Laden declares a holy war?

Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Two church members were going door to door.

They knocked on the door of a woman who

clearly was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms she did

not want to hear their message and

slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close.

In fact, it bounced back open.

She tried again, really put her back into

the job, and slammed the door again.

Same results. The door bounced back

like it was made of Silly Putty.

Convinced one of these rude church

members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would teach them a lesson.

Religions of the World

Taoism: Shit happens.

Buddhism: If shit happens, it's not really shit.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Confusianism: Confucius says: shit happens

Islam: If shit happens, take a hostage.

Protestantism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.

Catholicism: Shit happens because you're bad.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Hare Krishna: Shit happens rama rama.

TV Evangalism: Send more shit.

Atheism: No shit.

Hedonism: There's nothing like a good shit happening.

Jehovahs Witness: Knock, knock, shit happens.

Christian Science: Shit happens in your mind.

Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.

Stoicism: This shit doesn't bother me

"I was in San Fransisco once, walking along the Golden Gate Bridge, and I saw this guy on the bridge about to jump. So I thought I'd try to stall and detain him, long enough for me to put the film in.

I said, "Don't jump!" and he turns...
You've heard of the elephant man. He was kind of like that, except he had a, well, you could say he had the head of a horse.
And my heart went out to him.

I said, "Why the long face?"
He said, "'Cause all my life people have called me mean names like horses-head or Flicka or chess-piece or Trigger..."

I said, "Well, don't worry about it, Ed. It can't be that bad."
He said, "My girlfriend's suing me!"

I said, "For palomino?"
He said, "Why was I put on this Earth?"

I said, "My friend, anywhere else you wouldn't stand a chance."
He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you, you silly ninny."
He said, "How do you know there's a God?"

I said, "Of course there's a God. Do you think that billions of years ago a bunch of molecules floating around at random could someday have had the sense of humor to make you look like that?"
He said, "I do believe in God."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me too. Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me too! What franchise?"
He says, "Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Baptist."

I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Baptist."

I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist or Northern Conservative Reform Baptist?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist."

I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Eastern Region?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region."

I say, "Me too! Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?"
He says, "Northern Conservative Fundamentalist Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912."

I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

Voice Mail in Heaven

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our daily lives. But have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing thefollowing:

Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.

I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3.

If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding,press 4.

To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound sign.

If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.

For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, 3-1-6.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.