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Author Topic: Gay's Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 11:39 AM                        Rated R Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says,"Bob,I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS." Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?". "Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage,20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,10 Jalapeno peppers,40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice." Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 04:54 AM                        Rated G Dennis in Yonkers The Cowboy An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboyand asked, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts,working cows, going to rodeos,fixing fences,pulling calves,bailing hay, doctoring calves,cleaning my barn,fixing flats,working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."    She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women.As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women.I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women." The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"    He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-18-2003 06:07 AM                        Rated PG JJ On The Left Coast Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show.Recently,she said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22,and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura,which was posted on the Internet. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law.I have learned a great deal from your show,and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can.When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,for example,I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination.End of debate.I do need some advice from you, however,regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice,I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1: 9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery,as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7.In this day and age,what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is,how do I tell? I have tried asking,but most women take offense. 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves,both male and female,provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans,but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10,it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight.I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,including the hair around their temples,even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean. May I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm.He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field,as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws?(Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively,so I am confident you can help.Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 01:48 PM                        Rated PG Michele Chris went to the doctor and the doctor said to him/her/it, "I have bad news and worse news!" "Tell me the bad news first," said Chris glumly. "You have acute ulcerative proctitis and it will be agony every time your bowels move." "For how long, doc?" said the dejected transvestite. "For the rest of your life, I'm afraid. It's incurable." "Well, doc, that sure is bad news. But what could be worse than that?" asked Chris. "This morning I gave your partner a prescription for Viagra," said the doctor with a sad expression.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 09:38 AM                        Rated G Michele "The actions taken by the New Hampshire Episcopalians (inducting a gay Bishop) are an affront to Christians everywhere. I am just thankful that the church's founder,Henry VIII,and his wife Catherine of Aragon,and his wife Anne Boleyn,and his wife Jane Seymour,and his wife Anne of Cleves, and his wife Katherine Howard,and his wife Catherine Parr are no longer here to suffer through this assault on traditional Christian marriages."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 09:39 AM                        Rated G Michele A friend of mine discovered that his wife had become a lesbian. I asked what he was going to do now. "Nothing!"he replied,"Why should I?I'm just crazy about the girl she's going out with."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-30-2003 04:32 PM                        Rated PG I chased a girl for two years,only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine.We were both crazy about girls.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 07:15 AM                        Rated G Question: What do gay termites eat?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Answer: Wood Peckers  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2004 05:52 PM                        Rated PG David in South Carolina I have a friend in the office who is a midget and who is gay. Finally after years of therapy he has come out of the cabinet.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2004 05:55 PM                        Rated XXX One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you." She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything." The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job." She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic." Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!" The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?" He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!" The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party!" [ 01-12-2004, 08:27 PM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-16-2004 07:30 AM                        Rated R Question: Did you hear about the new lesbian sneakers? . . . . . . . . . Answer: They were called Dykies. However, they had to be recalled because the tongues weren't long enough.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-26-2004 07:50 AM                        Rated G According to the 'New York Times', a retired US Navy Admiral recently announced that he is gay. Not surprisingly, he was a Rear Admiral. [ 01-30-2004, 11:02 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 11:03 AM                        Rated G Quirk Did you hear about the two Lesbians who built their own house? There's not a stud in the place. It's all tongue-in-groove.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2004 11:19 AM                        Rated PG Stuck in rush-hour traffic, I couldn't help but stare at a burly biker wearing a black leather jacket and chaps pulled up next to me on a shocking pink Harley. My first thoughts were, "Is that really a pink Harley? I wonder if he's..." Just then the traffic cleared, and he pulled up in front of me. On the back of his jacket were stenciled the words,"Yes, it is. No,I'm not."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 10:21 AM                        Rated PG BUSH: GAY MARRIAGE WIPED OUT LIFE ON MARS Red Planet Went Pink, President Reveals In a nationally televised address last night on the subjects of gay matrimony and space exploration, President Bush revealed that gay marriage wiped out all life on Mars 69 million of years ago. "The Mars rover tells us that Mars at one time was host to a great civilization, perhaps even more advanced than our own," Mr. Bush said. "But that civilization and all living things in it were ultimately destroyed by gay marriage." While the Mars rover has found evidence of water necessary for sustaining life, it has found no evidence of life itself, "leading one to the unavoidable conclusion that gay marriage must have destroyed it," Mr. Bush said. "The Martians, for all their advancements, obviously neglected to pass a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage," Mr. Bush said. "We follow their example at our peril." In the Democratic response to the President’s speech, Sen. Evan Bayh (D-Indiana) denied that there was any evidence that the so- called Red Planet had, in the words of Mr. Bush, "gone pink." Senator Bayh went on to say that while the Mars rover had in fact discovered traces of water, the rover offered "no evidence whatsoever" of gay Martians. Later, Mr. Bush backed off his claims somewhat, saying that if gay marriage did not destroy life on Mars, then Saddam Hussein did.  |  IP: Logged

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