One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven.

There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "say no more." And a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven.

Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running.

Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more." and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you are here?"

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.  After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.  She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog.  They say it's been trained to give
blowjobs!"

"Blowjobs!" the woman replied.

"It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said.  The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her!  She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and
laughed it off.  The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.  In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.  She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.

"What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

Two gay men are walking through a zoo.

They come across the gorillas, and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. Suddenly, the gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop!

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later his friend visits him and asks:

"Are you hurt?"

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were.

The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun.I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it."And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

A man takes his wife to the stock show.  

They start heading down the alley that had the bulls.  They come up to the first bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 50 times last year."  

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated, "This bull mated 65 times last year."  The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said, "This bull mated 365 times last year."  The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE ADAY! You could really learn from this one."

After a few sips he looked up at the TV and mumbled, "He's a horse's ass if I've ever seen one!"

A customer at the end of the bar, stood up walked over to him, and knocked him out.

As he was finishing his beer, Hilary Clinton appeared on TV."She's a horse's ass too!" the man exclaimed.

At the other end of the bar, a customer stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his barstool.

"Damn it!", he said, getting back on his barstool. "This must be Clinton country."

Q. What happens when a mouse crawls up a ladys leg?
A. The pussy eats it .

Pussy Cat ***************************************************************

One day a fly was flying over a lake.

In the lake a trout said to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, I can jump out and catch it."

Behind a shrub a bear said to himself, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, so I can reach out and grab the trout."

On a hill sat a hunter who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, and it will expose him for a clear shot."

Behind A bush there was a rat who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout, the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, and I can steal his food."

Behind a tree was a cat who said, "If that fly will drop four inches, the trout will jump out of the water and catch it, the bear will reach out and grab the trout,the hunter will have a clear shot at the bear and run down to get his kill, the rat will steal the hunter's food, and I can pounce on the rat."

Well, everything began: the fly dropped four inches, the trout caught the fly, the bear reached out and grabbed the trout exposing himself, the hunter shot the bear and ran down for his kill, the rat stole the hunter's food, and the cat tripped and rolled all the way down the hill into the lake.

The difference between men and women in one paragraph:

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.

A woman is driving down the same road in the opposite direction.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"

They each continue on their way and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The guy at the door says, "A DobermanPinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The guy at the door says, "Come on in."

A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off, when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats along side.

The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog, when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The dog handler says to the first man,"Don't mind Rover, he is a 'sniffer dog,' the best there is.I'll show you when we get airborne and I set him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out, when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy," and turns tot he first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and the seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!"replies the first man.

Once again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says,"Good boy," and he turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"That's marvellous, I've never seen anything likeit!" says the first man

.Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits allover the place.

The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the hell is going on?"

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you.
3) They're totally unpredictable.
4) They whine when they are not happy.
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7) They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody.
9) They leave hair everywhere.
10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit shit. One of the boys said, "What is that?"

"They're smart pills," said the other boy. "Eat them and they'll make you smarter."

So the boy ate them and said, "These taste like shit!"

One day a man went to a scope shop for a new scope for his gun for deer season.

The manager showed him all there newest scopes.

The Manager picked one up and said "This one is so strong that i can see my house all the way on top of that hill.

The man said wow...I see two people though!

The manager replied "That ungrateful little bitch!" The Manager added, "Tell ya what If you can shoot my wifes head off and that bastards dick and i'll give you the scope for free!"
So The manager gives the man two bullets.

Man: Did you see a wagon full of monkeys go by?

A scientist is doing experiments with frogs, and has to document everything he does and or sees. well he is doing voice commands on a frog and finds that if you say, "Jump Frog, Jump!" the frog will do as told and get his treat for doing so.

The scientist finds this facinating for about ten minutes, then the experiment gets boring. so he decides to spice it up by cutting one of the frogs legs off. so he cuts the back left leg and sets the frog down on the table and lays the treat a few inches away and says "Jump Frog, Jump" well the frog does to the mans amazment. so he documents that on his clipboard.

He then wonders if the frog will continue to jump when told if he continues to loose legs. so he trys it.

The man cuts off the right back leg, sets the frog and treat down and again says "Jump Frog, Jump". Well the frog pushes off with the front legs and gets the treat, and the scientist writes that down. He then chops the left front leg and lays frog and treat down and again says "Jump Frog, Jump". wobbly but determind the frog
pulls himself with his one good leg to the food and eats it. and the man writes that down.

And so with the shrug of his shoulders and a wack of the knife the remaining leg is removed, frog and treat placed in their spots and the words "Jump Frog, Jump" spoken, only to find the frog doesn't move.

"OH, come on frog, "Jump Frog, Jump", "Jump Frog, Jump" the frog just sits, and stares at the treat. so the scientist writes on his pad;