In "THE MAN" world wide competition there are three finalists left: a German, an American, and an Albanian. The last challenge is who can survive the longest in a room with 500 pound gorilla.

So the American goes first. After 2 seconds the American comes out with his clothes ripped off screaming and rubbing his ass.

The German looks at him and laughs. "You American pussy, he says and goes in. But not even a second he comes out naked screaming, "Ah my aaasssss!"

One late evening while the family was at church, a man was breaking into their home, he went into the bedroom stealing everything he could get his hands on.

As soon as he entered the living room he heard a voice "God is going to get you!" "God is going to get you!"

He pulled out his flashlight and shined it on this big bird.

Well the man did not pay any mind to the bird and kept on loading up his bag.

He was loading that bag from left to right.

Again he heard that voice "God is going to get you!" "God is going to get you!"

He walked over to the cage and told the bird to shut up!

As soon as he put his hand on the door knob of the back door he heard a different noise.

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them,
looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!"

The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all!"

I remember the first time I ever saw her. She looked so beautiful and she still does today after forty years of marraige.

But the only problem we have is with her parents. I'll never forget the day I met them...

I had only known her for a couple of months and she was my high school sweetheart.

One day I was invited over to her house for dinner with her parents. I hung up the phone, my hands sweating like crazy.

I was so nervous. I began to get a large stomach ache. When I get a stomach ache, there is only one way to get it out...gas. That act usually performs about four hours from now which means four hours of torture. Damn it, I hate my body. The way my stomach works really sucks.

Three and a half hours later, I was experiencing what every man fears throughout his whole life, and there I was, standing out on their porch, waiting for the parents to answer.

Her father answered the door and he seemed very nice. While the ladys were in the kitchen, the dad and I were talking in the dining room about sports and cars.

He seemed to really like me and he said that he's not like any other father. He wants his daughter to be happy and free, and he said that it was my job to make her happy. Not his because his job was now over because she was now 18 and she's an adult. He said to take good care of her and he gave me a smile with a twinkle in his eye.

I thought to myself, "Why were men so scared of meeting the parents?" This wasn't bad at all. They brought out a great meal and they were laughing with me. But then the dream suddenly turned into a nightmare...

"Spot!" the father said. "Come boy, come!" I looked behind me and there was a dog. "Oh, shit," I thought to myself. I can't stand dogs. The slimey skanky thing sat under my chair. God damn it, I have to sit with this gross thing under me. But that was
only the beginning...

Now, I told you I had a stomach ache and it was now four hours from when it started. I began to get gas. I couldn't fart here!!! Out of all the times in my whole miserable boring life, I had gas now! Oh, damn. I held it in. I couldn't do it any longer so I let one go.

It was a silent but very bad one, and it was silent at first but then the noise came right at the end. I looked up with my face pale and my eyes wide open. I didn't know what to do or what to say. They all looked under the table. The dad said, "Spot, get out from under that chair!"

What?!

Did I just hear what I thought I did?

He repeated it!"Spot, get out from under that chair right now!"

Spot didn't move. YES! I love dogs now. He thought it was the dog! Holy shit! But I had to be careful. I took a little bite out of some beans. Then I felt it come again. I let it go and just a little bit louder and smellier. Just to test.

"Spot, get out from under that chair NOW!!!!!" Yes, Spot, yes! I thought. Please don't
move! Please!! Just let me get it all out. I started to let 'em rip. "Spot, get out of there!"

Over and over again, my farts getting worse and worse every time!

Then I let the grand finale !

It filled the room, the plates rattled, I flew up an inch from my chair. The gas was gone but then I heard the dad say,

One day a businessman is driving through the country and sees a shepherd overlooking his flock. Curiosity starts to her the best of him so he pulls his car over, gets out, and goes over the shepherd to ask him a question.

"Excuse me" said the businessman; "I have a question for you".

"Yep, what is it?" The shepherd replies.

The businessman proceeded, "I've heard tails and I was wondering, do you all really have sex with your sheep?"

"Shit ya we do" the shepherd replied, "we do it all the time."

The business man said "So how do you do it?"

Shepherd says, "You go down there behind the sheep, put one hoof in one boot, and the other hoof in your other boot, lift the tail and go to town."

"Really? What's it like?" said the businessman.

The shepherd said, "Enough of all the talk go on down there and get you one."

Businessman replied, "No. I know your saying that just so you can laugh at me."

"No, I promise I won't laugh," said the shepherd "As I said, we do it all the time."

So the businessman thought for a second and decided to go for it. He went up behind a sheep, put one hoof in one boot and the other in the other boot lifted the tail and began his sexualencounter with his sheep. Just then he looks over his shoulder
and sees the shepherd up on the hill, rolling around, laughing his ass off. The businessman can't even finish, so he pulls out, zips up and goes up the hill to find out what the hells going on.

He gets to the top of the hill and still sees the shepherd in hysteria so he yells, "you asshole you promised you wouldn't laugh at me."

A young man sits down next to an old man who is gazing over the small Italian village in which he lived.

Once there was three men in Auckland in New Zealand they where friends,so they decided to have a contest to see who could walk their dog across the bridge without it farting. So the first man was Japanese as soon as his foot touched the bridge the dog farted.

John and Steve were high school buddies.

They have not seen each other since they both went to college.

Five years went by and they ran into each other at a bar. John spotted Steve first, "Hey Steve!"

"Hey John! Long time no see!" John was surprised that Steve spoke smoothly without stutters--Steve has been stuttering since he was a child.

"How did you fix your speaking?" "I went to the doctor and he said that if I speak really slow, I won't stutter! Did you hear? I almost got married!"

"How did you ALMOST get married?"

"Well, I was sitting on the front porch with my fiance and the dog was sitting there too and he was scratching his back! Although I have to speak slow, I said to my fiance: When we're married YOU can do that for me and then I pointed to the dog.

A police officer was driving his patrol car down next to a beach when he noticed a man knee deep in the water holding two red things, he wasn't sure what they were.

The officer made his way down the sand to meet the man standing in the water.

As he approached he noticed that the two red things were lobsters.

The officer said to the man "its illegal to be poaching for lobsters, you know".

What are you talking about?" he said startled, "these are my pet lobsters".

"Sure they are!" replied the policeman.

"No, I'm serious. I will throw them into the waves and call them back. They will come".

"This I have to see". chuckled the officer.

So the man lauched the two lobsters back into the ocean and stood there watching them.

"I thought you said you could call those two lobsters back" said the cop.

A Morning Poem     

Going Out   

My parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes,I'd love to!"

Any Gators?   

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the over turned craft.
Spotting and old beach comber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About half way there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

Origin of Pets     

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.

"And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you maybe, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal.

And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.

"And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him acompanion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being.