my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Animals (Page 53)

This topic comprises 54 pages: 1  2  3  ...  50  51  52  53  54

Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-14-2008 04:03 PM                        Rated G There once was a man from Yuma, Who told an elephant joke to a puma, Now his body lies, Under the hot desert skies, For the puma had no sense of huma.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-19-2008 02:35 PM                        Rated G Top 20 Dog Names in the United States: 1. Max 1. Maggie 2. Jake 2. Molly 3. Buddy 3. Lady 4. Bailey 4. Sadie 5. Sam 5. Lucy 6. Rocky 6. Daisy 7. Buster 7. Ginger 8. Casey 8. Abby 9. Cody 9. Sasha 10. Duke 10. Sandy 11. Charlie 11. Dakota 12. Jack 12. Katie 13. Harley 13. Annie 14. Rusty 14. Chelsea 15. Toby 15. Princes 16. Murphy 16. Missy 17. Shelby 17. Sophie 18. Sparky 18. Bo 19. Barney 19. Coco 20. Winston 20. Tasha  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-16-2008 09:53 AM                        Rated G Faye in Kingston, Ont. Two hutterites Two Hutterites walk into a pet shop in Swift Current and head directly to the bird section. Jacob, the Preacher, Says to John, the Farm Boss, 'Dat's dem.' The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. 'Yeah, ve'll take four of dem little budgies In dat cage up der,' says John. The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag. Jacob And John pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into the colony van and drive over to the train trellis bridge. From the top of the bridge, John looks down at the 200 -foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.' He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and jumps off the bridge. Jacob watches as John falls all the way to the bottom. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Jacob Shakes his head and says: 'Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous fer me.' BUT WAIT!!!! there's MORE! PART TWO: Moments later Isaac, the Hog Boss, arrives up on the bridge. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the bridge carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in the other. 'Hey, Jacob, vatch dis,' Isaac says. He takes a parrot from the bag and throws himself off the bridge. Jacob watches as Halfway down, Isaac takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Isaac continues to plummet until he hits the bottom. Jacob shakes his head and says, 'Ya, und I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either.' BUT WAIT!!!!..... PART THREE: Jacob is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Abe, the Chicken Boss, appears. He's carrying an old potato sack out of which he pulls a chicken -- one of those old layer hens. Abe then grasps the chicken by the legs holds it over his head and hurls himself off the bridge and disappears down and down until he too hits bottom. Jacob shakes his head in sadness.'First der vas John wid his budgie jumping, den Isaac parrotshooting...... Und now we've lost Abe hengliding.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2008 08:14 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose. 'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.' 'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?' 'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.' So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.' The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?' The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?' The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician!'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2008 06:44 AM                        Rated G Lulu The other night the front door was accidentally left open and Shadow, my 125 lb. Giant Schnauzer was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, I got in the car and went looking for him. I drove very slowly around the neighborhood streets for over an hour checking out lawns, yards, bushes, etc. with no luck. Finally I stopped at the curb near a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen a big black dog. Their response was, "You mean the one that's following your car?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2008 01:57 PM                        Rated G lbp A rabbit walked into a restaurant with a lion. The waiter seats them and asks the rabbit, "What will you have?" The rabbit says bring me a half a head of lettuce. The waiter looks at the lion and says; and what will he have? The rabbit says "The lion?" he's not eating". The waiter says "why? Isn’t he hungry?" Then the rabbit says "if he was hungry do you think I'd be here?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-11-2008 09:06 AM                        Rated G For Rachel A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You've been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow. A few days later, twelve mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we've had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again." God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I've never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you've have been sending over are delicious!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2008 12:01 PM                        Rated G Unethical? Irish greyhound racing authorities have banned trainers from giving dogs the anti-impotence drug Viagra in case it is used to boost their performance on the track..." and "... Viagra could be used to raise the dogs' blood pressure and therefore heart rate, making them run faster in the early stages of a race." If Viagra really does offer an advantage to these dogs, wouldn't the whole plan backfire? I mean, come on, it'd be really easy to spot which one was going to be the winner, wouldn't it? ".. and it looks like the winner is going to be Rover, by a nose... wait, that's not his nose..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2008 12:06 PM                        Rated G Man's Best Friend A dog is truly a man's best friend. If you don't believe it, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2008 12:07 PM                        Rated G The Pessimist and a Dog An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive. For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2008 12:09 PM                        Rated G You know you have a BIG dog when... * The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!" * You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair. * It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vets. * You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are. * You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle. * You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub. * You've learned to force a smile when asked "do you have a saddle for that thing?" * Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida. * You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2008 12:12 PM                        Rated G Every Afternoon An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious I pinned a note to his collar: ' I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-14-2008 02:42 PM                        Rated PG Hank in Simi Valley What to Do When Riding a Dead Horse? The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following: · Buying a stronger whip. · Changing riders. · Threatening the horse with termination. · Appointing a committee to study the horse. · Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses. · Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included. · Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse. · Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share. · Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired. · Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead." · Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. · Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. · Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its original cost. · Providing additional funding to increase the horse's performance. · Do a time management study to see if lighter riders would improve productivity. · Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster. · Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better. · Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses. · Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-16-2008 11:21 AM                        Rated PG Nordakota Cow... Ole is a farmer in Minnesota . He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if the cow gives milk. When he grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts. Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow. When he gets back to Minnesota , he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in Nordakota, didn't yah?' Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?' Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-30-2008 03:03 PM                        Rated G Jokester Iams Hot Line "How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a borderline collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions that the Iams Pet Professionals have fielded from pet owners. Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent years to 800-863-IAMS (4267): * "My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it okay for her to eat it?" -- Mother, Staten Island, N.Y. * "What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?" -- Dog owner, Arlington, Tex. * "Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- Dog owner, Cambridge, Mass. * "My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a vitamin B deficiency?" -- Dog owner, Puyallup, Wash. * "How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?" -- Dog owner, Anchorage, Ak. * "I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I register him on your mailing list?" -- dog owner, Richmond, Va. * "Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso, Tex. * "How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig owner, Vero Beach, Fla. * "What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y. * "Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami, Fla. * "I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them home alone. Can I carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y. * "How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet owner, Ephrata, Wash. * "My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat magazine. But you tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom, Englewood, Ohio. * "Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" -- puppy owner, Chico, Calif. * "I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source. How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long Barn, Ohio. * "How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" -- cat owner, Los Angeles, Calif. * "I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" -- pet owner, North Tonawanda, N.Y.  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 54 pages: 1  2  3  ...  50  51  52  53  54

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.