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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 07:52 AM                        Rated G Top Ten Vacation Tips For Dogs 1) Try to take as many humans with you as possible. They have opposable thumbs, so they can open doors & refrigerators, open cans, carry things and perform lots of services that are really useful to us dogs. The more humans you have around, the better the chances you have for fun and snacks. On my vacation, I had about half a dozen of them to wait on me. 2) Travel with your sister. If you don't have one, get one. Not only is it real fun to have somebody to run next to,she is great to nap on in the car. 3) Have a hobbie.My sister loves to chase the ball, so she loves to travel to new places and chase the ball. I like to nap at new places, have snacks, and meet people. Hobbies are most fun when you go new places, then when you get back you can compare places you've been. 4) When you are traveling,drink lots of water.That makes the humans happy and then you get to stop at more places and smell the smells.Pee before you get into the car. 5) Nap when you can, seize the moment! 6) In the morning,if the humans are sitting around using big words and have no food on the table, take a pee and go back to bed.Also,at night if there is a campfire and there is no food left,go to bed they are just going to chat and not do anything eggsciting. 7) When the humans are eating, don't beg for food. Take a good position under, or near, the table and watch for spills. If you have followed step 1,you will definitely make out from spills and then you will get good points for not begging.Then they will give you more food. Remember, begging is tacky. 8) If any human looks sad, kiss them -- but take it easy on the tongue action and keep it dry. 9) Engage with the humans. Try to make little noises, and touch the humans with your nose and paw to make contact. 10) Try not to bark. Watch the humans for clues, don't listen to the other dogs around. If another dog is getting in trouble, be aloof and look cute.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-24-2003 08:01 AM                        Rated G More Cat Haiku Someone broke a vase. I hope you don't think I did. Must have been the dog. It keeps sticking out. My tongue won't stay in my mouth. I need bigger lips. Please flush the commode. I want to watch the water going down the drain.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:13 PM                        Rated G ........... Linda Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cow has the udder!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:20 PM                        Rated PG im strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant."I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint," he says. "Certainly," says the clerk."Mind if I ask why you need it?" "My parakeet," says Jim. "See,I want to enter him in a canary contest.He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win." "Well,you can't do that,Man!" the assistant says. "The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!" "No,they won't," Jim,replies. "Listen,Buddy,I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on!" says Jim. Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk. "So the paint killed your bird?" "Indirectly," Jim says. "He seemed to handle the paint okay, but he didn't survive the sanding between coats."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2003 08:20 PM                        Rated PG Jim strolls into the paint section of a hardware store and walks up to the assistant." I'd like a pint of canary-colored paint,"he says. "Certainly,"says the clerk."Mind if I ask why you need it?" "My parakeet," says Jim."See,I want to enter him in a canary contest.He sings so sweetly that I know he's sure to win." "Well,you can't do that,Man!"the assistant says."The chemicals in the paint will almost certainly kill the poor thing!" "No,they won't,"Jim,replies. "Listen,Buddy,I'll bet you ten bucks your parakeet dies if you try to paint him." "You're on!"says Jim. Two days later Jim comes back looking very sheepish and puts ten bucks on the counter in front of the clerk. "So the paint killed your bird?" "Indirectly,"Jim says."He seemed to handle the paint okay,but he didn't survive the sanding between coats." [ 01-27-2003, 08:50 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G My dog chewed the tongue on one of my new,very expensive running shoes.I hoped to save my investment, so I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop.I placed them on the counter and told the man,"My dog got hold of this." The repairman picked up the shoe,looked it over,and placed it back down on the counter. "Well, what do you recommend?" I asked. He looked at me and replied,"Give your dog the other shoe."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-28-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 07:26 AM                        Rated G Dedicated to all the cat lovers at www.Film-tech.com --A COAT POEM: ON SHEDDING CATS: I think that I shall never see A cat that sheds as much as thee! Thy fur that sticks is all around On chairs, on mats in little mounds. I sweep the floor, you shed some more. I wash the rug and you just shrug. You should give thanks I tolerate that, Or you would be a crew-cut cat. - Author Unknown -  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 08:21 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues Why Dogs Are the Greatest Dogs are easy to live with. They never ever complain. They don't criticize your friends, Or call your relatives names. Dogs are easy to house train. They won't leave up the toilet seat. They always clean up after themselves, And never leave hair in the sink. They won't criticize your cooking... They are thankful for whatever they get. They're happy just to be with you... And will watch any video you rent. Dogs are loyal and affectionate. They miss you when you're gone. Their love is unconditional... And they rarely stray from home. And dogs don't feel threatened... If you earn more money you see. They're in touch with their inner puppy... And rarely ever need therapy. Written by Linda Rowe Copyright  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2003 09:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Rated G A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2003 08:51 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of wool? ANSWER: She had mittens !  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-31-2003 03:32 PM                        Rated PG In Las Vegas,the first plastic surgery clinic for pets opened. I took my French poodle there, and let me tell you - eight fake boobs ain't cheap!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 07:47 AM                        Rated R What Do They Think of Us? Dog: "Oh, God, not again. Let's turn the hose on them." Dog: "Great, there goes the urge to drink out of the toilet." Cat: "Y'know, if I didn't have a tail, I'd try that." Dog: "I've heard about that position -- it's called 'human style.'" Sheep: "It's just a phase. He'll be back." Dog: "How strange -- why would you want someone else to lick it for you?" Rabbits: "Amateurs!" Dog: "Geez, they have to look at each other's *faces* while they're doing that??" Dog: "Let's hop on and make it a conga line!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2003 11:32 AM                        Rated PG Ed in Boston A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having any of that shit in our garden."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-07-2003 05:26 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados.But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is MOOJITA Scale... M0 Tornado- Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed. M1 Tornado-- Cows are tipped over and can't get up. M2 Tornado-- Cows begin rolling with the wind. M3 Tornado- Cows tumble and bounce. M4 Tornado- Cows are AIRBORN. M5 Tornado- S T E A K ! ! ! Oh! Yea!  |  IP: Logged

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