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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 11:59 AM                        Rated G How to forecast the weather: Go to your back door and look for the dog. If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard. If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy. If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather. Sincerely, The Cat  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2003 08:09 PM                        Rated :G How Many Dogs? QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Setter: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... Other Setter(Pointer): I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,'STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!' Great Dane: Do any of you need to reach the lightbulb by climbing on my back??????????? Flash the Beagle: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz Garfy the Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 06:28 AM                        Rated G Lorraine CAT COMMANDMENTS: 1-Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem. 2-Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem. 3-Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll. 4-Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as thou are not transparent. 5-Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator. 6-Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy butt. 7-Thou shalt not lie down with thy butt in thy human's face. 8-Thou shalt not leap from great heights onto thy human's genital region. 9-Fast as thou are, thou cannot run through closed doors. 10-Thou shalt not reset thy human's alarm clock by walking on it. 11-Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself. 12-Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down. 13-Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human's bladder at 4 a.m. 14-Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at any opportunity. 15-Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slow. 16-Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house. 17-Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat. 18-Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded. (yeah right)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 06:30 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A DOG'S COMMANDMENTS: 1. Thou shalt not act half-starved whenever thou watches me eat. 2. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. 3, Thou shalt not roll in any smelly stuff thy finds in the yard. 4. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. (I know what thou art doing.) 5. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. 6.Thy shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. 7. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. 8. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cat's litter box. 9. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litter box. (She likes her privacy) 10. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time. (Thou has been neutered.) 11. Thou shalt not hide thy bones under my pillow. 12. Thou shalt not sniff the crotch of everyone thy encounters. 13. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2 a.m. 14. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 08:24 AM                        Rated G Ed in Boston A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful dog along for company.  One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.  So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Oh boy, I'm in deep stuff now." Then he noticed some bones lying nearby on the ground and immediately settle down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.  Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Lordy, that was one delicious leopard.  I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, and slinks away into the trees.  "Whew", says the leopard.  "That was close.  That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard.  So off he goes.  But the dog sees him heading off after the leopard and figures that something is amiss. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans about the dog's ruse and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.  The leopard is furious about being made a fool of and says, "Hop on my back, monkey, and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "Oh boy, it looks like I've really had it now." But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to the leopard and the monkey and pretends that he hasn't seen them.  And just when they get close enough to hear him, the dog says, "Where is that monkey?  I sent him off an hour ago to get me another leopard and he's still not back."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2003 09:07 AM                        Rated G The amazing flying dog A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him." With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop. "There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket. "He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband. "Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!" The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 12:03 PM                        Rated G .....................Sue Bee In his younger days our golden retriever Catcher often ran away when he had the chance.His veterinarian's office was about a mile down the road, and Catcher would usually go there.The office staff knew him and would call me to come pick him up. One day I called the vet to make an appointment for Catcher's yearly vaccine. "Will you bring him," asked the receptionist, "or will he come on his own?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 01:13 PM                        Rated G BE WARNED, CAT OWNERS I don't care how much you and your cat love each other. If you were only a couple of inches smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 01:18 PM                        Rated G Commandments of the Bird 1) Thou shall keep thyne beak shut at any time past 10:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. 2) Thou shalt not bite the hand that feeds you 3) Thou shalt not crap on your human's shoulder 4) When the cloth is over the cage, it's night, seeith first commandment 5) The bird in the mirror may be your friend, but thou shalt not attempt to mate with it 6) When pissed off, thou shalt not drop dud eggs to splatter all over the ground 7) If thou art a parrot, thyne beak shalt not exceed 100 "Polly want a cracker's" a day 8) Keep in thyne memory of the chicken that annoyed your human:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-15-2003 02:14 PM                        Rated G Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? A: It was Dead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 07:58 AM                        Rated G How Many Dogs? QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Setter: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... Other Setter(Pointer): I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,'STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!' Great Dane: Do any of you need to reach the lightbulb by climbing on my back??????????? Flash the Beagle: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz Garfy the Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light? How Many Dogs? QUESTION: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a burned-out bulb? Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp! Rottweiler: Make me. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Siberian Husky: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark...... Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Irish Setter: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover..... Other Setter(Pointer): I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.... Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.... Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb? German Shepherd: Alright, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID,'STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!' Great Dane: Do any of you need to reach the lightbulb by climbing on my back??????????? Flash the Beagle: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz Garfy the Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 11:44 AM                        Rated G Cat Mornings 6:00 am. I am going to bed.(work nights). Cat is snoring at end of bed. 6:15 am. I make a bathroom trip. Cat is still snoring. 6:30 am. I let out other cat. Cat is still snoring. 6:45 am. I am asleep. Cat is waking up. 6:48 am. Cat is on my pillow, staring at me. 6:49 am. Cat stare has drilled hole in my head. I wake up, but feign unconsciousnous. 6:50 am. Cat is onto me. He knows a faker. Cat meows VERY softly. I ignore cat. 6:51 am. Cat meows more loudly. I ignore cat. 6:52 am. Cat places nose in my ear and meows loudly. Eardrum ruptures. I tell cat to go wake up husband. 6:53 am. Cat approaches unsuspecting husband. Cat stares at husband intently. Husband has no cat radar, therefore continues to sleep. 6:54 am. Cat sits on husband's chest. Husband continues sleeping. 6:55 am. Cat leans forward and meows softly. Husband sleeps on. 6:56 am. Cat meows more loudly. He is ignored. 6:57 am. Cat stands on husbands face. Husband, fearing suffocation, wakes up. 6:58 am. husband stupidly asks, "what do you want, cat?" Cat proceeds to yank mini blinds off wall and point outside. 7:00 am. Husband lets cat out:D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-21-2003 09:37 PM                        Rated G ................Lorraine Signs your dog is more intelligent than you: 10. Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your apartment in the middle of the day. 9. You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly like you) on a leash in your living room. 8. Ice floating in toilet water. 7. Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep. 6. Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat- processing plant. 5. You can never find the leftovers. 4. The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The Nature Channel. 3. The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job. 2. Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover." 1. Your apartment keys no longer work.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2003 10:05 AM                        Rated G APPLICATION FOR CAT OWNERSHIP: Your Name: Name of Spouse: Address of home I will be assuming: Square footage of home: Total Sq. Ft. of human sleeping quarters (referred hereinafter as 'Servants Quarters')(Not to exceed 5% of home sq. footage): My sleeping quarters will be (circle one): - On a cat bed. - On your bed. (referred hereinafter as 'my' bed) - On the floor. - On the furniture. - On the stairs. - In the garage. - Anywhere I want. No. of human children in my home: No. of children who might pull my tail: Previous cat experience (circle all that apply): - I have recently owned one or more cats. - I was recently owned by one or more cats. - Fed a cat. - Been slept on by a cat. - Cleaned a litter box. - Bathed a cat. - Been scratched by a cat. - Picked cat fur off my clothes. - Picked cat fur out of my eyes. - Accidentally ran over a cat. - Allergic to cats. - Chased cats out of yard. - Cleaned up cat puke. - Stepped in a hairball. Any Canines in residence? (circle one): - No - No Have you ever had a cat run away from this address in the last three years? If yes, please explain yourself: Your Expected salary (circle one): - $200 weekly - $100 weekly - Nothing, just the satisfaction of knowing you took me in. - You pay me for living with you. Location of litter box (circle one): Laundry Room Living Room Garage Bathroom Dining Room Pantry Nook Kitchen None (outside) Cat will have outside privileges? (circle one): - Yes - Yes Cat will be de-clawed? (circle one): - No - No Servant names (List all dwellers of home, including yours): Breakfast will be served not later than (circle one): 6am 6am 6am 6am 6am 6am Dinner will be served (circle one-careful, there is only one right answer): - 5pm - 6pm - 7pm - Upon demand. - Eat what's left over from breakfast. Menu (circle all that apply): - Friskies - Whiskas - 9-Lives - Meat Loaf - BBQ Chicken - Filet Mignon - Tournados with Bearnaise - Roti De Porc Poele - Filet of Fish Poached in Wine Sauce - Shoulder of Lamb - Veal Prince Orloff - Sauteed Scallops - Salmon Pate Desserts (circle all that apply): - Pounce - Twinkies - Donuts - Ice Cream - Spongecake - Strawberries in Bavarian Cream - Caramel Almond Custard - Chocolate Mousse - Vanilla Sauce Souffle - Upside Down Apple Tart - Crepes with Orange Butter - Three Butter Cream cake List three references that I might contact (No dogs, please)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2003 01:04 PM                        Rated R An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."  |  IP: Logged

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