A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my
veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my hitherto talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized.

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot. But the only words the parrot knows how to say are: "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, but soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room. So she calls an Interior designer, who says he will come by shortly.

When the Decorator comes, the woman is out shopping. He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man says "It's the decorator."

The parrot says "Who is it?"

The man says "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says "who is it?"

The man screams "The decorator!"

The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch.She says, "Oh my gosh...who is it?"

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.

When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the
horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses thatlose are made into glue.

One day, this rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to
a hedge, and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry," he replied sadly, "I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm
dying for a cigarette."

A city man was tooling down a country road when his car sputtered
to a complete stop near a field filled with cows. The driver,
getting out to see what was the matter, noticed one of the cows
looking at him.

"I believe it's your radiator," said the cow.

The man nearly jumped right out of his city slicker britches! He
ran to the nearest farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"A cow just gave me advice about my car!" he shouted, waving his
arms franticly back toward the field.

The farmer nonchalantly leaned out beyond the door frame to
glance down the field. "The cow with two big black spots on it?"
the farmer asked slowly.

"Yes! Yes! That's the one!" the excited man replied.

Cat Haiku

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail!
Behold, elevator butt.

The rule for today:
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! Good dog! Good dog!

In deep sleep hear sound.
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified.
I leap into the window.
I meant to do that.

Blur of motion, then
silence. Me, a paper bag.
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
returns with gifts of plump birds ---
your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing.
Well, let's see you ignore my
sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box.
You cannot see me if I
can just hide my head.

Terrible battle.
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a 'term paper'?

Kitty likes plastic.
Confuses for litter box.
Don't leave tarp around...

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes,
Fear vacuum cleaner.

I want to be close
to you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, damn! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper!
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in bed, then screams.
My claws are not that sharp.

Cats meow out of angst.
Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much!

The Big Ones snore now.
Every room is dark and cold.
Time for "Cup Hockey".

Litter box not here.
You must have moved it again.
I'll poop in the sink.

We're almost equals.
I purr to show I love you.
Want to smell my butt?

MIND GAMES DOGS PLAY WITH HUMANS

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

Dog Haiku

I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.

I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.

Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.

I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!

I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot,
Sniff this and weep.

How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.

My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.

I hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!

Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -no greater bliss-well,
Maybe catching rats.

Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.

The cat is not all
Bad --- she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.

Dig under fence --- why?
Because it's there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.

I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.

Cat Definitions

Aquarium: interactive television for cats.

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer.

2. a four footed allergen.

3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.

4. a small, furry lap fungus.

5. a treat-seeking missile.

6. a wildlife control expert.

7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes.

8. a hair relocation expert.

9. an unprogrammable animal.

Cataclysm: any great upheaval in a cat's life.

Catatonic: a feline medicinal drink.

Caterpillar: a soft scratching post for a cat.

Cat Scan: to look for a new cat.

Dog: a cat's device for running practice.

Door: something a cat always wants to be on the other side of.

Energy: the element of vitality cats always have an oversupply of until you try to play with them.

Human: an automatic door opener for cats.

Impurrsonate: to act like the cat.

Kitten: a small homicidal muffin on legs; affects human sensibilities to the point of endowing the most wanton and ruthless acts of destruction with near-mythical overtones of cuteness. Not recommended for beginners. Get at least two.

Purrade: an organized march of cats.

Purradise: the garden of Cats.

Purramour: a cat lover.

Purranoia: the fear that your cat is up to something.

Purraphernalia: a cat's personal belongings.

Purrch: any favored feline napping spot.

Purrchase: anything bought for a cat.

Purrfume: the scent of an open can of tuna.

Purrgatory: a houseful of kittens.

Purrmission: a feline hunting expedition.

Purrpetual: everlasting feline love.

Purrplex: a house with two or more cats.

Purrson: a male kitten.

Purrsuit: the garment your shedding cat rubs against just as you are leaving home to go to an important meeting.

Purrverse: a poem about a wicked kitty.

Tooraloorailurophobia: an irrational fear of Irish cats.

Tuner: sonar-like device in cat food that causes cats to appear.

What kind of bird gets caught in your chimney?

Well, by the time you get it out... it's a blackbird.

There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride. They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

A group of bats is hanging around, upside down, as usual, mostly
sleeping. Suddenly one notices that Charlie is on the floor,
standing upright and looking around.

"Hey, Charlie," he calls out. "What are you doing down there?"

The other day when passing by road kill I was reminded of an
incident when I was about 12.

I was in the front seat of the car, next to my mom. We were
driving slowly through the neighborhood when I spotted what you
could call a "mentally ill" raccoon. Mr. Carroll, a family friend
who lived on the street was just passing by and stopped to question
why she had stopped on the road. She told him about the raccoon
and suggested he call animal control. The entire time she referred
to the raccoon as "he."

Man's Best Friend

Here are some famous quotations over the years about our beloved dogs!

"If your dog is fat,
you aren't getting enough exercise"
--Unknown

"Some days you're the dog;
some days you're the hydrant."
-- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness
forgot about puppies."
-- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
-- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon;
hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and
forget why you walked in?
I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
-- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on
the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain
that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us?
I mean, here we come back from a grocery store
with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow.
They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles
are members of a weird religious cult."
-- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy
because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality,
it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven,
and very, very few persons."
-- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness
when you marry a person with pets."
-- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration
as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
-- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please,
and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
-- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him
and a cat that will ignore him."
-- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice,
puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
-- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world
like a puppy licking your face."
-- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog,
that dog has a problem."
-- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong,
always try to make it look like the dog did it."
-- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog,
but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
-- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius
of your conversation as the dog does."
-- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you
more than he loves himself."
-- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person
than the average person."
-- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog.
You are his life, his love, his leader.
He will be yours, faithful and true,
to the last beat of his heart.
You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and
make him prosperous, he will not bite you;
that is the principal difference
between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually
unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-- Smiley Blanton