Bear Tales

Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Did you hear about this new breed of dog?

Well they crossed a bulldog with a shitsu and called it a bull-shit!

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Two hippos are sitting in a swamp, and one says to the other, "oh you're lazy, you're fat and you smell, and all you do all day is sit in a swamp".

So the other says "Don't be so hippocritical"

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If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

An elephant and a monkey had become good friends. While walking through the jungle one day, the elephant fell into a deep pit. The monkey rushed to the nearest road and stopped a Mercedes Benz. With the help of a rope, the Mercedes pulled the elephant out of the pit.

Some time later, the monkey fell into a pit and it was the elephant's turn to rescue him. The elephant just stood over the pit and dropped his dick down in so that the monkey could climb out.

Did you hear about the transsexual donkey?

He had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.
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What's pink and hard?

A Pig with a flick knife.
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What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping Tom.
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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

A walkie talkie.
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Did you hear about the new breed of dog?

was having a good time with the milk man.

He wanted to record what went on in the house while he was out at work. He couldn't buy a tape recorder or a video camera because that would be to obvious. So he went to the pet shop to get himself a parrot.

In the shop there was only one parrot who spoke english. Unfortunatly the parrot that spoke english had no feet, nor did he have any legs.

So as you can imagine he has to sit on his perch somehow! So he holds on with his dick. He brought his parrot home and placed it in the most obvious place (beside the front door).

The man went to work but told the parrot to record everything that his wife said. The parrot was perfectly capable of doing this and did so.

When the man came home he asked the parrot what happened. The parrot said "Well your wife let the milk man in" "yes" "then they went upstairs and...." "what what," said the husband "I could hear rustling and groaning!"

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right fore finger and thumb on either of side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheek while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrapper, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Pull spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growl emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw; force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandage to spouses forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbours shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence whilst swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to hospital; sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Ice Fishing 
 
There were two guys from Florida who love to fish, and they wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake was frozen nicely.

They stopped just before they got to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle. One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours, one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going to need another dozen ice picks."

Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left. In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you've got."

The bait man couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

Three fishermen were fishing when they came upon a mermaid, the mermaid offered them one wish each so the first fisher said: "double my I.Q" so the mermaid did it and to his surprise he started reciting shakespeare.

Then the second guy said: "triple my I.Q." and sure enough the'mermaid did it and amazingly he started doing math problems he didn't know existed.

A LITTLE RABBIT IS HAPPILY RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST WHEN HE
STUMBLES UPON A GIRAFFE ROLLING A JOINT.

THE RABBIT LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS, "GIRAFFE MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? COME. RUN WITH ME THROUGH THE FOREST! YOU'LL FEEL MUCH  BETTER!" 

THE GIRAFFE LOOKS AT HIM, LOOKS AT THE JOINT, TOSSES IT AND GOES RUNNING WITH THE RABBIT.

THEN THEY COME ACROSS AN ELEPHANT DOING COKE. SO THE RABBIT AGAIN SAYS, "ELEPHANT MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS?  THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH. COME. RUN WITH US THROUGH THE PRETTY  FOREST,  YOU'LL SEE, YOU'LL FEEL SO GOOD!"

THE ELEPHANTS LOOKS AT THEM, LOOKS AT HIS RAZOR, MIRROR AND ALL THEN  TOSSES THEM AND STARTS RUNNING WITH THE RABBIT AND GIRAFFE.

THE THREE ANIMALS THEN COME ACROSS A LION ABOUT TO SHOOT UP...
"LION MY FRIEND, WHY DO YOU DO THIS? THINK ABOUT YOUR HEALTH! COME.  RUN WITH US THROUGH THE FOREST, YOU'LL FEEL SO GOOD!"
 

 THE LION LOOKS AT HIM, PUTS DOWN HIS NEEDLE, AND STARTS TO BEAT
THE  SHIT OUT OF THE LITTLE RABBIT.   AS THE GIRAFFE AND ELEPHANT
WATCH IN HORROR, THEY LOOK AT HIM AND  ASK, "LION, WHY DID YOU DO
THIS? ...HE WAS MERELY TRYING TO HELP US!"

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping Tom.

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What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees!" What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
"You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?

"Very well," the voice said,The light went out.

The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped its right paw ........ brought both paws together .... bowed its head and spoke:

Two guys are out hunting deer.

The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No," the second guy says.

Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says.

"Oh," says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"See what?" the second guy asks.

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

A woman goes to a jumble sale and sees a parrot for sale for $1.

She thinks it's too cheap to pass off, so she buys it, but is warned that it has a few choice phrases since it used to live in a brothel. She gets it home and it looks around and says "New house, new mistress!"

The woman laughs and her two daughters come down to see what she was laughing at, the parrot says "newhouse, new mistress, two new whores"