A Frenchman with a parrot perched on his shoulder walked into a bar.

The bartender said, "Wow! That's really neat! Where'd you get him?"

When I was a young spry turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;

"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three,

"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;

I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;

I stopped at a friends house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered, "Yeah, 3 males and 2 females."

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

Did you hear about this new breed of dog?

Well they crossed a bulldog with a shitsu and called it a bull-shit!

******

Two hippos are sitting in a swamp, and one says to the other, "oh you're lazy, you're fat and you smell, and all you do all day is sit in a swamp".

So the other says "Don't be so hippocritical"

******

If you have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, what do you have?

Did you hear about the transsexual donkey?

He had a hee in the morning and a haw at night.

******

What's pink and hard?

A Pig with a flick knife.

******

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

Three moles are sitting around in their mole hole bored as can be.  

One mole gets a bright idea to band together to look for honey.

All three moles agree and proceed to search for honey. Since the mole passage ways are very narrow, all three moles have to line up single file during their search.

Suddenly, the first mole yells out to the other two,"Hey, do you guys smell honey?"

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx andclearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns theDoberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.

Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his back yard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him so decided to call it a day.

That night Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the back yard.

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up the heavens and proclaimed,

A guy (we'll call him Aaron) was laying down carpet in some woman's home.

As he was finishing, he got a craving for a cigarette.

Aaron looked around and discovered that his cigarettes were missing.

He did, however, notice a bump in the carpet, and figured that he had laid carpet over the pack without noticing it there. Aaron decided rather than to take up the carpet, he would get a hammer and pound it into the ground so no one would know.

When he finished that, the owner of the house walked into the room and commented on what a nice job he had done.

''Aaron, The carpet lookes wonderful!'' she exclaimed. ''Here are your cigarettes; I found them in the kitchen.

Oh yes, and by the way, have you seen my gerbil?''

Dog Days

A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, "Hey barkeep, it's my birthday today. How 'bout a free drink?"

The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, "Sure , toilet's right down the hall."

Sealed Delivered

A baby seal walks into a bar and sits down. "What can I get you?" asked the bartender.

A fish walks into a bar and the bartender says: "What do you want?"

The fish croaks "water."

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Man, I'm dying to have sex in the worst way."

Disturbing Discovery

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December.

Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen had to be a girl.

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.