Rated G

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.

So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river.

"What did you do that for?" asked a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago."

"Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe.

A snail is walking down the road, when all of a sudden two turtles appear. They rough up the snail, take his money, and leave him for dead.

Months later in the courtroom, after the two turtles have been arrested, the judge asks the snail to describe what happened on the night of the assault.

Collie + Lhasa Apso

---Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow

---Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter

---Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund

---Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso

---Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel

---Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever

---Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound

---Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog

---Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador

---Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer

---Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute

---Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier

---Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + ShihTzu

The Real Story of Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. "My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf.", says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away.

About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down behind a road sign. "My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf.", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

One day a poppa dog asked his puppy son if he would like to go to the dog show with him.

Of course the little puppy eagerly agreed.

While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of show'.

On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers.

When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar!

The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it."

When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?"

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

If your dog is barking at the back door, and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

"Smart Dog" -- A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance. "This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm.

To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him.

Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him.

He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out of exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The Real Story of The Three Bears

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Momma Bear who got up first, It was Momma Bear who woke up everyone in the house, It was Momma Bear who made the Coffee, It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, It was Momma Bear who set the table, It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, And, now that
you've decided to drag your asses downstairs and grace Momma Bear's
kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .

You Can't Teach An Old Cat

What's the difference between an old cat and a baby kitten?

A guy from a city once went to go see his old college pal who lived on a farm.

One morning the city slicker got up early and decided to fix breakfast for his friends family.

By the time he got from the pasture to the hose his friend was up so the guy from the city decided to show his friend what he got.

When he walked into the kitchen the farmer looked at him. The city guys face was covered in a white liquid and he had a bucket full of this white stuff.

The city guy said, "I milked the cow for you this morning."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem.

You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

This is Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

How do you know when you're really ugly?