Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones.
One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

A fella was in the market to buy some acreage.

He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive.

During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, and expressed his confidence that his bees were friendly.

The buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. If The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest, and if even ONE bee were to sting him, then the farmer would give him the farm for free.

The buyer thought it over and decided it worth the risk. An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over.

A little turtle begins to limb a tree slowly. After many long hours of effort, he reaches the top and jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell.

The 3 bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.

Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents.

When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said:
“No, I can’t live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly.”

“OK,”said the judge“you want to live with your mother,right?”
“No way!” replied baby bear, “She beats me worse than Poppa.”

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn’t know what to do.
“You have to live with someone, so are there any relatives you would like to stay with?” asked the judge.

“Yes,” answered baby bear, “my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.”

“You’re sure she will treat you well and won’t beat you?” asked the judge.

An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their family and friends. The time passed and the couple realize thatneither of them were wearing watches. They noticed this Mexican man laying down taking a siesta next to this mule that had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.

Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts they asked the Mexican man, "Excuse us could you tell us what time it is?"

The Mexican man reaches his hand out under the enormous set of nuts lifting them high and says, "It's 3 o'clock."

Amazed by this the American couple go off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. This Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mules balls! Curious and amazed by this the friends want to see first hand so they go back and ask him what time it was.

Sure enough the Mexican man reaches out again cups his hands under the mules nuts lifts them up as if to weigh them and says, "It is 3:15." Their friends check the time on their watches and sure enough the little man was correct.

Blown away by this finally the American couple ask, "It is just amazing how do you do that?"

"Do what?" the Mexican asks.

"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"

Q: What do you get when you cross Lassie with a pitbull?
A: A dog that bites your leg off and runs for help!

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture.

A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off.

The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"

The snake said "Don't worry, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"

The cowboy thought a minute. "A million dollars in the bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."

Again the cowboy thought. Then said "I want to go home to the most beautiful, intelligent, and obedient wife in the world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."

He considered his last wish for a moment, then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like my horse."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom.

There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars.

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened to land on a pile of fresh cow manure.

Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last meal, he flew down and began to eat.

He ate and ate and ate.

Finally, he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away.

He had eaten too much though and could not get off the ground.

As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off , thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight. Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, spattering when he hit the floor.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.

As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. '

Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezin under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped.

Are you wild rabbits?

'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.

'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.

Later, he asked them again, 'What else you do?'

'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

'That was fantastic,' he panted.

'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.

'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet.

So, they went shopping.

At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot.

When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well.

This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks. Well, they said, "let's try this out."

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, "Heel!"

A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes coffee, and smokes a cigarette.

Suddenly the phone rings, her boyfriend saying he's coming over.

She snubs out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, unplugs the coffee pot, puts the cover back on the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed.

A guy walks into a bar with a giraffe under one arm. He walks up to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor and orders a beer.

The bartender gets the guy his drink and then says, "Hey, you can't leave dat lyin' there!"

The Top 15 Adult Videos for Animals

15 Deep Goat

14 The Bitches of Beastwick

13 A Street Cat Name Desire

12 Behind the Screen Door

11 Sniffing Ryan's Privates

10 Squirrel, Interruptus

9 Dog-Style Afternoon

8 Pantin'

7 The Triple Crown Affair

6 Mounting Python & the Holy Tail

5 South Bark: Bigger, Longer, and Unspayed

4 Hen in Black

3 Honey, I Humped the Squids

2 The Pelican's Briefs

Rated G

Woaaa.
A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.

The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those drivers."

So the next day he had the county go put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING.

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster." So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY.

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called and called and called everyday for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to have him stop calling. Well, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks after the farmers last call, the sheriff decided to call him. "How's the problem with those drivers.

Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." And he hung up the phone.

The sheriff thought to himself, "I'd better go to that farmer's house and look at that sign... There might be something there that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and he saw the sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large yellow letters were the words:

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.

The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck" 

"I see you're eyes are working" replies the duck. 

"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord. 

"I see you're ears are working" says the duck, "now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" 

"Certainly," says the landlord, " ...sorry about that, it's just we don't get many talking ducks in this pub.

What are you doing round this way?" 

"Oh, I'm working on the construction site across the street" says the duck. I’m a plasterer.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. 

This continues for about 2 weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? 

“Yes” says the ringleader,

“Well” the landord excitedly said “I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer, he’s smart and everything!" 

"Sounds marvellous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. 

The landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying real good money!" 

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" 

"At the circus" says the landlord. 

"The circus?" the duck enquires. 

"That's right" replies the landlord. 

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle 

"That's right!" says the landlord