Animal Menagerie      

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.

Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great!

What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."

Mother: "And what does the pig say?"
Child: "Oink, Oink."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart!

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Desperate

A rather stupid man was with a caravan going across the desert.

He was a man from out of town, and the others were guides. He kept explaining to the guides that sometimes a city man's sexual needs would get out of control. One day, he could not stand it any longer.

He NEEDED to have some wild sex. So he told his guides. They told him that the nearest town was miles away. He said that he couldn't stand it. So the guides sold him their camel and went off on their way. The man was so desperate that he pulled down his pants and proceeded to have sex with the camel. But as soon as he got close, the camel backed away. He tried again. The camel backed away. He decided to walk another couple of miles and try again. The camel still backed away.

So he rode the camel until he found a small town. Walking throught town, he encountered three young, gorgeous babes. The girls told him that they were in trouble, their car had stalled. He reassured them that he would fix it in exchange for on thing.

Another surprise poem

Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips

Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there

Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries

Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet

One day Mr. Rabbit was traveling through the green field which he called home when he decided to go and see his cousin in the next field over, so off he went to see his cousin.

To get to his cousin's field he had to walk through the woods that divided their two fields,as he was walking through the woods thinking about how much fun he and his cousin had the last time he visited he came upon a large bear.

Mr. Rabbit became very scared and crouched down and was just about sprint away
when the bear said "Dont be afraid little rabbit,I wont hurt you." surprised once again Mr. Rabbit replied "I find it hard to believe that a big bear like you wouldn't hurt a little rabbit like me,you probably want to eat me!" with this the bear begins to roll with laughter,he says "Don't worry my little freind I've just had my fill of fish from the stream" with this Mr. Rabbit felt more at ease and began to talk with the bear.

One day there were three ants. They had gone into a house and had no place safe to sleep in except for the bathroom. So the first ant slept in the sink, the second ant slept in the shower, and the third ant slept in the toilet.

The next morning after the all woke up, the first ant said, "I slept fine."

The second ant said "I slept fine."

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady is furious and she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked off now.

The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so pissed off that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill that damn bird.

The store manager promised that the parrot wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

There was once this man who had three sons; two smart ones, and one stupid one.

The man's problem was that one of them had to take over the family buiness. So he decided to give them a test. He gave each son a duck, and said that whoever sold the duck for the most money, would get the buisness.

So the first son goes out and sells the duck for $10.

The next son goes out and sells the duck for $20.

Then, the third son goes out and meets a hooker. The hooker says "I'll give you a fuck for your duck."

The son agrees. They have sex, and he gives her the duck. Then, the son is walking the next night and meets the same hooker. She says, "Look, I'll sell you back your duck for a fuck."

So, naturally, the guy agrees. They have sex and she gives him the duck. Then, the son is walking along the road thinking about how he's gonna sell this duck, when out of nowhere, a car hits the son. The driver jumps out of his car and yells, "Oh my God! Are you ok?!" "Yeah, I'm fine," said the son. "but you almost killed
my duck!"

The man thinks it over a second, and then takes out his walet. "I'll give you $50 for your duck." says the man. The son agrees, takes the $50 and gives the man the duck.

The next day, the son gives his dad the $50.

The dad is amazed and says, "How did YOU sell a duck for $50???"

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
-Anonymous {So true! My cats walks on me! - LadyHawke}

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d."

"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life."
- Faith Resnick

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine

"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer

"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul

"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette

"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous

"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick

"You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb

"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch

"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols

"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will p**s on your computer."
- Bruce Graham

"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."

In the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog.

So one day Dave goes into the pet store and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy."

The petstore owner goes to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no guard dog!"

The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned into a pile of splinters.

Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate."

A man went to a farm to buy a pig.

When he knocked on the door a lady came to the door.

The guy asked if he could buy a pig the lady said to talk to her husband in the barn, the man went there and asked the farmer if he could buy a pig.

The farmer asked how big the man said 50lbs.

The farmer walked around the pigs and grabbed one flipped it over put it's balls in his mouth and picked it up and said this one weighs 50lbs.

The man asked how could he believe him the farmer put the pig on the scale and it
weighed 50lbs.

The guy said that was amazing the farmer said his son could also do it, he told his son to find him a 20lb. pig.

His son walked around grabbrd a couple pigs put there balls in his mouth and picked them up finally he brought one over put it on the scale 20lbs.

Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?"

The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?"

Once there was a man who had a parrot who said nothing but, "Polly wanna cracker." The man got tired of hearing this from his pet so one day he let his parrot go and told it to go learn some new words and not to come back until he had.

So the parrot began his journey and the first place that he saw was a mechanics body shop, so the parrot flew into the garage and he heard the mechanic say, "Man, it is hot as hell in here!!" So the parrot continued on his trip and kept repeating,
"Man it is hot as hell in here!!"

The next place the parrot flew by was a baseball stadium, and he heard someone yell, "Let it fly!" So the parrot continued on his journey saying, "let it fly, let it fly!"

The next day the parrot flew over a farm and he overheard a farmer telling his workhand to look at that cow lying over in the pasture. The farmer told his farmhand, "Go over there and kick that ol' bitch and see if she is alive." So the parrot went
around saying that as well.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.

"He can play any musical instrument in the world."

He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.

So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $500.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.

Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can you not play it?"