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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:30 PM                        Rated G When my family and I travel with our cat, Marilyn, we usually stay at hotels that allow pets. But late one night on a recent road trip, we found ourselves at an establishment that forbade animals. Sneaking Marilyn past the front desk was no problem.However, the next morning when my husband, Murray, put her in a cardboard box and closed the flaps, Marilyn began to meow. On a crowded elevator, Murray coughed loudly to cover the sound of the cat. Everyone politely ignored the meows coming from the box. When the elevator doors opened before the busy front desk, Murray bravely marched out, praying that the cat would shut up. He needn't have worried. His fellow passengers marched with him, coughing loudly all the way through the lobby and out the door.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:34 PM                        Rated PG Michele A fancy lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods. Suddenly a little white duck,all covered with shit,crossed her path. "Oh, dear," the lady said, "come on,I'll clean you!" She took a Kleenex from her purse and whipped the duck clean.After finishing,she urged the duck away saying, "Be careful next time!" She walked on and another duck,with shit all over it,crossed her way.Again she took out a Kleenex and cleaned the little duck. She warned this one as well and the duck took off. Soon after, she encountered a third duck with the same problem. "Now I've had it!" She whinned."What have you all been doing?" And for the third time she acted like a Florence Nightingale and tended the duck. She continued her stroll when suddenly she heard a voice from the bushes. "Hey, you, lady!" sounded a male voice in distress. "Yes?" she replied. "Oh please, please... Do you have a Kleenex?" "Well no, not anymore," she answered. "Dammit,I guess I'm just gonna have to use another damned duck ..."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2003 08:39 PM                        Rated G Two Careers There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2003 04:10 PM                        Rated G Bubba in Chappaqua The manager of a large city zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals.He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence:"I would like to place an order for two mongooses,to be delivered at your earliest convenience." He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another,so that the sentence now read:"I would like to place an order for two mongeese,to be delivered at your earliest convenience." Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word,which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally,he deleted the whole sentence and started all over."Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send us two of them."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2003 10:01 AM                        Rated PG DUCKS AND ELEPHANTS Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? A: To put out fires. Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To put out burning ducks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-14-2003 07:07 AM                        Rated G You can tell if your cat has a problem by asking yourself the following questions: 1) Does your cat sleep 22 hours a day, and then spend the other two hours in non-stop eating? 2) Does your cat take frequent naps in annoying places, such as in the center of the dinner table, in the kitchen sink, or on top of your favorite, freshly cleaned (especially of cat hair) bedspread? 3) Is your cat selfish? Conceited? Arrogant? Aloof? Insensitive? 4) Does he wake you up in the middle of the night and refuse to stop meowing until you accompany him to his food bowl to watch him eat? 5) Does your cat tear down holiday decorations? Does he destroy any stuffed toy or cat-sized household ornament that might be misconstrued as his competition? 6) Does your cat perceive himself to be sole owner of all property?Does he often show disdain for your taste, or act as if you are an embarrassment to him? If you answered "yes" to most of these questions........relax, your cat is normal.  |  IP: Logged Jean-Michel Grin Expert Film Handler Posts: 222 From: Geneva & Lausanne, Switzerland Registered: Jul 2002 posted 03-17-2003 02:25 AM                        Rated G Two cows are discussing in a field: One ask to the another: -Are you not afraid of the disease of the mad cow and the animal flour scandal ? The second cow respond: -Why should be afraid about mad cow disease ? First I'm not a cow, I'm a rabbit !  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-21-2003 12:25 PM                        Rated G STRONG SIGNS YOU NEED A VACATION FROM DOGS 1. When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop,"Honey, come quick, I've had a terrible accident!", you show up breathless with a mop and scent neutralizer. 2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you suddenly have room to move your body around the bed. 3. You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your bedroom 4.The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog's veterinarian. 5. When someone taps you on the shoulder,you tell them firmly, "Off!", then "Down!". 6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout, "Go to your crates, now!" 7. When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply, "Kibbles and Bits". 8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go looking for a ribbon. 9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, "Useless, it is the same color as my dog and it has no pockets." 10. When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, "Well, a little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great topline!" 11. Dog cookies are starting to look good. 12. What's a vacation?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2003 05:56 PM                        Rated X .........Sue Bee Chicken Clothes A feller is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What on earth is that all about?" The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm." "Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?" The farmer replied, "There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-01-2003 06:55 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high,the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up.Again he go out.When the fence was forty feet high,a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet,unless somebody locks the gate at night!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 07:53 AM                        Rated G Quickie Animal Jokes What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster? A cock that stays up all night. What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender? Rhesus Pieces. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? K9P. What is brown and sits in the forest? Winnie's poo. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie? A dog that runs for help after it bites your leg off. What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? A receding hareline. What does an elephant use for a Tampon? A sheep! How many canaries can you get under a Scotsman's kilt? Depends how long the perch is. A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of crap. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?" How do you know if elephants have been making love in your back yard? The trash can liner bags are missing. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? You either get an onion with long floppy ears, or you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes! What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam." What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk. Where do you get virgin wool from? Ugly sheep. Did you hear about the nearsighted skunk? He tried to rape a fart. Why do mice have small balls? Not that many know how to dance. What sound does a Horny Toad make? RUB IT, RUB IT.. What do you call a dog with metal balls and no hind legs? Sparky. Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat. Why do hens lay eggs? If they dropped them, they'd break.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 08:09 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Lester is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horses trainer. The trainer tells Lester that this is the worst horse he has in training. It has had 23 races and finished last in all of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.Lester mounts up and takes the horse down to the start. The race begins and Lester is 30 lengths last after half a furlong. He gives the horse an almighty backhander on the behind, nothing. He then gives him a series of sharp slaps down the shoulder, nothing. He then gives him two wallops right on the bollocks. The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns round to Lester and says: "Will you stop it with that whip! I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver the milk"!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-02-2003 08:12 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A cab driver picked up a well-to-do Oriental businessman from Philadelphia International Airport. On the trip into the city he told the driver he had flown over from Singapore to back one of the horses he owned in a race at Philadelphia Park. His trainer told him that this was the big one and he was positive the horse would win at a big price. Being an obssesive gambler the cabbie couldn't wait from him to tell him the name of the horse. After he paid the fare he slipped him a note with the horses name: ¬/.>`#<,```¬  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-08-2003 04:24 PM                        [b]Rated G Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy said to Dolly,"I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly "But it's true, straight up, no bull!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-10-2003 08:17 AM                        Rated G "I have a dog that is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip."  |  IP: Logged

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