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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-12-2003 08:28 AM                        Rated G Down Under Lurker Q: Why was the mother kangaroo cross with her children? A: Because they ate potato chips in bed. A Kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a 10 foot fence. He was out the next morning just wandering around the zoo.A twenty foot fence was put up. Again he got out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclousure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they will go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-13-2003 02:34 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A sad Bassett Hound was telling his troubles to his friend. "I'm depressed.I think negative thoughts.I'm always bored and always tired." "Why not go see a psychiatrist?" suggested the friend. "Well, I would," said the Bassett Hound, "except that I'm not allowed on the couch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-13-2003 02:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My dog can read.He saw the sign WET PAINT, so he did.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-15-2003 07:09 AM                        Rated G I have a dog that is very handy around the house. The other day he made a bolt for the front door. Today he is making stools in the yard.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2003 08:51 PM                        Rated G A donkey had an IQ of 186.He had no friends at all though.Even in the animal kingdom,nobody likes a smart-ass.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-01-2003 06:43 AM                        Rated G One day the big animals and the little animals decided to have a football game. As the first half went along, the big animals were scoring at will. Every time they got the ball they would run it in for a touchdown. Then came the second half... First play: The elephant runs the ball up the middle. WAP!! Tackled for a five yard loss. The little animals go back to the huddle cheering and congratulating each other. "Who made that tackle?" asked the ant. "I did," said the centipede. Second play: The rhinoceros runs the ball up the middle. WHOMP!! Tackled for another five yard loss. Back in the huddle the flea asked, "Who made that great stop?" "I did," said the centipede. Third play: The gorilla tries an end sweep, led by the hippo throwing the lead blocks. SMACK!! Centipede tackles him for a ten yard loss. Back in the huddle, the gnat asked the centipede, "Where were you in the first half?" The centipede replied, "Puttin' on my shoes!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:06 AM                        Rated G Lorraine CATS: 1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 06:25 AM                        Rated G A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. A passerby asked him why he had chosen that particular breed. The cowboy answered, "Somebody told me to get a long little doggie."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-02-2003 09:06 AM                        Rated G As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pick up truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but if that dog hadn't honked...." Peggy Greenwood - Readers Digest.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 07:07 AM                        Rated G Michele A country dog comes to the city and seeing his first parking meter thinks, "How do you like that...PAY TOILETS!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:32 AM                        Rated G Lorraine WHAT DOGS DO FOR US: Catch Frisbees Keep a night alone from being truly lonely Get us outside on beautiful fall days, rainy days and snowy winter days Listen to our singing no matter how bad it is Treat us like celebrities when we come home Warm up our beds on cold nights Make our hearts more vigorous Alert us to the arrival of the mail Help us live a little longer Make us smile Agree with everything we say Warm our knees with their chins Provide a use for old tennis balls Signal when a thunderstorm is coming Pull sleds Help lower our blood pressure Test how fast we can run Keep the squirrels from overtaking our yards Teach us the meaning of unconditional love  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-03-2003 08:33 AM                        Rated PG Lorraine Little birdie in the sky, dropped a poopie in my eye I didn't scream, I didn't cry, But I thanked the Lord cows can't fly!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-05-2003 02:06 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee A funny sign in the window of a home cookin' restaurant in Phoenix, AZ: "The best piece of chicken you'll ever get without being a rooster!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-07-2003 08:26 PM                        Rated G Becky One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside.When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree.Unable to lure it down,I called the fire department. "We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm."The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough." "How do you know that?" I asked. "Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said. Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast. [Reader's Digest]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-08-2003 06:48 PM                        Rated PG Lorraine One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth it to him to try to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. Realizing what was happening, the donkey at first cried and wailed horribly.Then,a few shovels full later, he quieted down completely. The farmer peered down into the well, and was astounded by what he saw.With every shovel full of dirt that hit his back,the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and taking a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the shock and astonishment of all the neighbors! Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to not let it bury you, but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping-stone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up! Remember the five simple rules to be happy: Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less. Also, the donkey kicked the shti out of the guy that tried to bury him. The moral for this story: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back and gets you.  |  IP: Logged

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