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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-15-2003 03:58 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Pet owner: Every time a bell rings my dog goes and sits in the corner. Veterinarian: That's perfectly normal; he's a boxer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2003 05:57 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Veterinarians are prescribing Prozac for dogs. Animal rights activists are thrilled. Things have finally come full circle. Finally, a drug for animals has been tested on humans first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 11:21 AM                        Rated G Michele "PURR"-LITICAL CORRECTNESS: SAY IT NICELY, OR NOT AT ALL!" In the state of political correctness, nobody is ever "short," they are simply "vertically challenged." No one is a "housekeeper," they are "domestic engineers." "See how we can apply this "game" to the many activities of our cats: --My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug redecorator. --My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job. --My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools. --My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity. --My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator. --My cat does not yowl, he is singing off-key. --My cat is not a "shedding machine", she is a hair relocation stylist. --My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food. --My cat is not a bed hog, he is a mattress appreciator. --My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next. --My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative. --My cat is not a lap fungus, he is bed selective. --My cat is not a pest, she is attention deprived. --My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert. --My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced. --My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced. --My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture. --My cat is not lazy, he is motivationally challenged. --My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination (the food dish).  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-29-2003 11:49 AM                        Rated G The young male race horse came from a long line of winners,and did wonderfully in time trials.However,in actual races he proved a little too romantic,and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated.The young horse,knowing that it was either this or the glue factory,took it philosophically.After all,having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. After a short recovery period,the horse was again run in time trials,and found to do as well as ever.But the first time he actually ran in a race,he only went about ten paces,before getting a dejected look on his face,turning around,and ambling back to the starting gates. "What's the matter?" asked the trainer,"you were doing great!" "Yeah,well how would you feel" replied the horse,"if five thousand people took one look at you and shouted 'they're off!'?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-31-2003 09:32 AM                        Rated G SIGNS YOUR CAT MAY BE TRYING TO KILL YOU 15. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden. 14. He actually *does* have your tongue. 13. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch. 12. Cyanide pawprints all over the house. 11. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed. 10. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip. 9. Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM." 8. Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?" 7. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on. 6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed. 5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper. 4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep. 3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose. 2. You find a piece of paper labelled "MY WIL" which says "LEEV AWL 2 KAT." 1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:01 AM                        Rated G Janine You never can tell.Maybe fish go home and lie to their wives about the size of the men they got away from.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-04-2003 10:09 AM                        Rated G Michele Have you heard about the brown nosed duck? He could fly just as fast as the other ducks, but couldn't stop as fast.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-04-2003 05:45 PM                        A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car...  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-06-2003 02:48 AM                        Rated G A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a gin .......................................................and tonic." The bartender asks, "What's with the big pause?" The bear says, "Dunno... I've always had them."  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 08-06-2003 05:53 PM                        A farmer in a very rural area got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. "Is yer Pa home?" he asked. "No sir, he sure ain't," the boy replied. "He went to town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is yer Ma home?" "No, she ain't here either. She went to town with Pa." "Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?" "No sir, he went with Pa and Ma." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I kin do fer ya'?" inquired the young boy politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer Pa." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Pa. It's about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant." The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "I know that pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Joe."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 08-13-2003 10:03 AM                     Blind Man & His Dog A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. The man reached into his pocket, took out a biscuit and gave it to the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything was very touched by the blind man's gesture "That was very tolerant of you after what your dog just did" "Not really" relied the blind man. "I'm just finding out were his mouth is so I can give him a kick in the butt".  |  IP: Logged Michael Brown Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1522 From: Bradford, England Registered: May 2001 posted 08-15-2003 02:43 PM                     Black Beauty. Now he's a dark horse.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-19-2003 07:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine One day two mice fell into a deep cream bowl. One was an optimistic soul. But the other took the gloomy view. "We're going to drown," he lamented without much ado, and with a last despairing cry, he flung up his legs and said "Goodbye." "I can't get out but I won't give in,I'll just swim around till my strength is spent,then I'll die the more content," Quoted the other mouse with a steadfast grin. Bravely he swam to work his scheme, and his struggles began to churn the cream. The more he swam, his legs a flutter, the more the cream turned into butter. On top of the butter at last he stopped, and out of the bowl he gaily hopped.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-02-2003 12:35 PM                        Rated G Lorraine His horse lost the race, and the owner was irate. "I thought I told you to come with a rush at the end," he screamed at the jockey. "I would have," answered the jockey, "but I didn't want to leave the horse behind."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-04-2003 07:16 AM                        Rated G Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, "He'd turn over in his gravy."  |  IP: Logged

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