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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-21-2003 11:36 AM                        Rated G Baby Blues Some of the Animals of Life We work like a horse. We eat like a pig. We like to play chicken. You can get someone's goat. We can be as slippery as a snake. We get dog-tired. We can be as quiet as a mouse. We can be as quick as a cat. Some of us are as strong as an ox. People try to buffalo others. Some are as ugly as a toad. We can be as gentle as a ]b]lamb.[/b] Sometimes we are as happy as a lark. Some of us drink like a fish. We can be as proud as a peacock. A few of us are as hairy as a gorilla. You can get a frog in your throat. We can be a lone wolf. But I'm having a whale of a time!  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 05-21-2003 11:53 AM                     Hunting Rated PG-13 A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." An hour later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's Wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be Quiet!" The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?, Well, I guess I just panicked."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-27-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated G Randy on Long Island For All You Dog Lovers To you he's a dog.To me he's an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I have no problem with any of these things. Dogs are better than kids.They eat less,don't ask for money all the time,are easier to train,usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about whether they have the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant you can sell the pups.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-30-2003 03:52 PM                        Rated G An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-01-2003 09:03 PM                        Rated G As the tour bus passed through a small Australian town a passenger noticed a sheep tied to a lamp post. He asked the driver what that was all about. "Oh", the driver replied, "that's the recreation center."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-02-2003 07:43 AM                        Rated G Lindsay A RURAL POEM,"Down on the Farm" or,"The lament of the Artificially Inseminated cow." I've just given birth to a calf and with motherly pride I am full, But please do not laugh and please do not chaff When I say that I've not had a bull. My farmyard's deserted and sad sir, The meadows are no longer gay, Since the one bit of fun in the grass,sir. Has by science been taken away. No bull has embraced me with passion, I've not had the ghost of a twinge, I've never ben loved, but only been shoved With a dirty great brass bound syringe. You may think it's all very sad , sir, There are some things a cow shouldn't say, But these land army tarts, who have played with my parts, They still have it the old fashioned way."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2003 04:18 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Q: What do you call a bee born in between April 30 and June 1? A: A maybe  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-03-2003 04:31 PM                        Rated G Jeff the Bore A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment.He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth,so I told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his pet,the vet examined the dog as the man stood by,anxiously waiting. At last the doctor turned to him and asked,"Do you have any children?" "Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped. "No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 11:08 AM                        Rated G "THE HIGH-TECH CAT" The modern world leaves me a wreck, But not my kitty--she's high tech! When snoozing she prefers to nap On my laptop, not my lap. For exercise and to relax She takes a stroll across the fax, Then leaps to land on the computer-- The narrow top seems built to suit her. She dusts the screen off with her tail While I'm reading my e-mail. When I'm sleeping peacefully She checks phone messages for me, Then looks at me as if to say, "Well, the button was marked PLAY." If she's feeling really bored She hits the button for record-- Words not for a stranger's ear Go on tape for all to hear. But as a self-respecting cat There's one gizmo she draws the line at. Of all the gadgets in the house There's one she'll never touch--the mouse! ~By Beverly Bardsley~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2003 08:01 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water,but if you can get him to float on his back,you've got something.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-05-2003 09:08 AM                        Rated G Cat Laws Law of Random Comfort Seeking A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room. Law of Bag/Box Occupancy All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. Law of Milk Consumption A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can. Law of Cat Landing A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the midsection of an unsuspecting, reclining human. Law of Cat Disinterest A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him. Law of Cat Composition A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2003 09:19 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her,"What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 07:21 AM                        Rated G Dear Dogs When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way. The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest. The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.I am very sorry about this.Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping.They can actually curl up in a ball.It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible.I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm. My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time,there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open.I must exit through the same door I entered.In addition,I have been using bathrooms for years;canine attendance is not mandatory. The proper order is kiss me,then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough.It would be such a simple change for you. Rules for non pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets. 1. The dog lives here. You don't. 2. If you don't want dog hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my dog a lot better than I like most people. 4. To you,she's a dog.To me,she's an adopted daughter who is short,hairy,walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. 5. Dogs are better than kids.They eat less,don't ask for money all the time,are easier to train,usually come when called,never drive your car,don't hang out with drug-using friends,don't smoke or drink,don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college,and if they get pregnant,you can sell the pups. The same applies to cats,except they ignore you until you are asleep. Sincerely, Your Master  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:36 PM                        Rated PG We have a new species of bird in our area. Few people have actually seen one but its called...; "Ooooooh---Aaaahh" is unmistakable as it lays its square eggs..!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-09-2003 04:51 PM                        Rated G Michele Two dogs meet each other in the park. The first dog says, "Hi, I'm Rover. What's your name?" The other dog says, "I don't know, but I think it's 'Down Boy'."  |  IP: Logged

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