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Author
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Topic: Animals
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-08-2003 10:34 AM
Rated G ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
One afternoon,a woman was in her back yard hanging the laundry
when an old,tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
The woman could tell from the dog's collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.But when she walked into the house,the dog followed her,sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.
An hour later,he went to the door,and the woman let him out.
The next day the dog was back.He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.This continued for several weeks.
Curious,the woman pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon,your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"We have ten children.He's trying to catch up on his sleep." ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
[ 02-26-2003, 08:10 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-10-2003 11:21 AM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Rainbow Bridge
Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone
here,that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge.
There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together.
There is plenty of food,water and sunshine,and our friends are
warm and comfortable.
All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health
and vigor;those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again,just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.
The animals are happy and content,except for one small thing;
they each miss someone very special to them,who had to be left
behind.
They all run and play together, but the day comes when one
suddenly stops and looks into the distance.His bright eyes are
intent;His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group,flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
You have been spotted,and when you and your special friend
finally meet,you cling together in joyous reunion,never to be
parted again.The happy kisses rain upon your face;your hands
again caress the beloved head,and you look once more into the
trusting eyes of your pet,so long gone from your life but never
absent from your heart.
Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....
Author unknown...
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-18-2003 08:48 AM
Rated PG
Sue Bee
Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect:
BARKING:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--
- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting
their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping
safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...
LICKING:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready
to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human,dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.If you arrange a little pile of dirt onone side of each hole,maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground.Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.
DOORS:
The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for
the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING:
Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
GOING FOR WALKS:
Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES:
It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
CHASING CATS:
When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite --- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry ...Eat a shoe.
DINING ETIQUETTE:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-20-2003 10:39 AM
Rated G Fox In Wyoming
One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the
ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice
that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her
and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a
few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority
of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody
knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like,
you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If
you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for
lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious
and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The
fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break
from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the
bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The
Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on
the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you. You really are sick...in the
head. You might have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself. You can eat me afterward
if you disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole...and never
came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating
in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along
and asked, "What's up?
You seem very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."
So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As
they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate
student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a
thesis.
The computer with the controversial work was in one
corner. To the right there was a pile of fox bones, to
the left a pile of wolf bones.
And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter.
The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter.
All that matters is who your advisor is.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-27-2003 08:20 AM
Rated PG Heart Warming
A middle aged spinster was in need of an interactive pet to keep
her company.
She visits the local pet store and notices a sound coming from the exotic bird section. She found herself standing by her cage in awe and wonder because she had such a wide vocabulary. But for no apparent reason she would repeatedly blurt out, "Howz your hole?"
She asked the clerk why on earth she inserted such a phrase in the middle of reciting the Preamble of the Constitution.The clerk explained it was the first phrase she learned from her owner,who happened to be a very feeble old gent.
It seems the gentleman had a chronic condition known as
incontinence.He was forever complaining of a painful
and 'burning sensation'after returning from each trip to the
bathroom.
Being the sensitive and fine feathered friend she was the bird
always inquire of her master's condition by shouting,"Howz your hole?" She was straight forward to say the least.Thus, the genius fowl was named by default......Neida Cork!
The spinster was so impressed with the bird's intelligence and the fact she had such a loving nature, needless to say, the spinster left the store with her new companion and friend........
In years past the spinster had tried all she knew to land a
husband.Nothing worked.She thought she had a good chance of
snatching up a good bachelor with her new addition to the compound.
She had her cap set on this particular minister and decided to
invite him for Sunday lunch. The atmosphere was just right.The
spinster was eager to introduce Neida Cork to the right Reverend.However,he over indulged in her delightful meal and developed some rather painful gastric disturbances.He had to make a dash for the bathroom.
When he returned to the parlor he was stroking his belly.And
Neida Cork blurted out the usual inquiry,"Howz your hole?"The reverend was so offended he left without so much as a good-bye!One more disappointment added to the many this lonely spinster had grown so accustomed to.
Meanwhile,she had several other male friends over with high hopes of soon becoming someone, anyone's bird. Neida Cork would continue to ask that same, offensive question to each of them.
The spinster was so perplexed she didn't know what to do.She had grown very fond of her pet and yet had to do something to stop her from ruining her chances of ever becoming a bride.
The local vet was consulted.He suggested she take Neida Cork on
a cruise and expose her to some cultured folk.This she did
readily.
On the third day of the cruise,which was going quite well,the
engine room blew up and the cruise ship sank.For several days
the spinster floated in the water.The water was freezing cold,
she was thirsty,hungry and turning into a prune. She was as
concerned about the well being of Neida Cork as she was being
rescued.
She saw in the distance a small shriveled bird floating on a piece of wood and heading toward her. She desired with all her heart
this was her dear Neida Cork. Sure enough..........it was! She
was a mess. She was shivering and barely able to maintain a perch
upon the floating debris.
Neida Cork was very excited to see her mistress.She was also
concerned about her physical condition.So, she shouted, "Howz
your hole?"
The spinster had had it by then and replied, "Awe........Shut
Up!"
To this Neida Cork replied, "Mine too........must be the salt
water! "
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 02-28-2003 11:56 AM
Rated X
One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.
The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
"Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."
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