A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During the inspection of theproperty, However, he found a beehive.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, But the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally the landowner made an offer.

The buyer would allow himself to be tied to the tree for an hour, Nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his free.

The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung.

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away.

So he decided to test it on himself first.

He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on, and voila, everything else was automatic!

He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did.

However, when the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument - some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less - but still he had no success getting out of it.

Panicking, he just barely reached the phone and called the supplier's customer service hotline.

The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It worked fantastic. But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

There was a chicken farmer who owned a talking parrot.

One day he decided that it was time to take his chickens to market, so he asked his parrot, ''Do you want to go for a ride?''

And the parrot said, ''Squak! Wanna go for a ride!''

So the farmer loaded the chickens into the truck, and took the parrot in the cab with him.

On the way to town, there was a cute female hitchhiker on the side of the road. He pulled over and she asked for a ride.

He said, ''Will you fuck me?''

Of course she said, ''Hell no.''

So the farmer goes, ''No fuck, no ride.''

The hitchhiker thinks about it for a minute, sighs, and reluctantly agrees.

So they fuck, and then they are driving along when suddenly the parrot goes, ''Squak! No fuck, no ride!''

The farmer says ''Shut up!!''

Ten minutes later, the parrot says it again.

The farmer slaps the parrot and goes, ''If you say that one more time, you are going in the back with the chickens.''

Sure enough, ten minutes later the parrot goes, ''Squak! No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!''

Farmer pulls over, grabs the parrot by the neck, and throws it in the back of the truck.

A half hour later, the farmer sees cop lights in his rear view, so he pulls over.

The officer moves up to the window.

The farmer says, ''What's wrong officer? I wasn't speeding or anything.''

This farmer also had two ducks. These ducks were retarded. They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal. He told his sons that whomever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.

The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.

The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard. The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks. He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck.

The son decided this was very good, so he took it. He decided his brother wouldn't be able to touch him.

The second son was walking and passed a whore house. He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck. One girl said fine. After they fucked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore. The son said he would take the duck back if they fucked again. She agreed. After they fucked the second time, the son left.

He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash. The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car. The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusley.

The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck. She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.

When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got. He proudly displayed the 10 dollars. The farmer was impressed.

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having the time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him aboard the airplane.

About 30 minutes into the flight, a flight attendant noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you OK, sir?" "Yes," said the man, "But I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

There once was a poor man walking down the freeway when a farmer had saw him.

The poor man asked the farmer could he stay for the night and the farmer agreed and told him he could stay in his daughter's room.

The farmer had asked the man not to touch his 3 daughters and the man said, " I will sleep like a rabbit during the night".

The next morning the poor man was on his way and the farmer asked him how did he sleep and the poor man said he slept like a rabbit.

The farmer was so proud of his daughters that he told another farmer about the poor man and how he slept like a rabbit.

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.

The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the pilot's backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs for the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

A zookeeper approaches three boys standing near the lions' cage and asks them their names and what they're up to.

The first boy says, "My name's Tommy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The second boy says, "My name's Billy and I was trying to feed peanuts to the lions."

The third boy says, "My name is Peanuts."

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

Three Flies

Once there were three flies who decided to spend a night in someperson's bathroom.

The first fly slept in the bath, the secondfly spent the night in the basin and the last fly slept in the toilet.

The next morning the three flies gathered together to chat. The second fly asked the first, "How was your night?"

The first flyanswered, "It was terrible, I was almost killed by this big hairy thing that tried to swat me into some dirty water!"

The first fly then asked the second fly, "And you, how did you sleep?"

The second fly answered, "I hardly got any, during the night I woke up and found myself in some water. I thought it the end of me but I couldn't give up. So I thrashed my legs about as hard as I could, luckily I found a shiny rope to grab onto and pull myself out of the water."

Both Flies then asked the third fly, "What about you, was your night any better?"

One day two best friends were talking when the first man said:

Man 1:you will not guess what happened yesterday.

Man 2: What?

Man 1:While I was on the farm a bull started chasing after me.

Man 2: What happened?

Man 1:I started to run faster and faster and when he was about to poke me with its horns it slipped and fell.

Man 2:Then what?

Man 1:Well I kept running faster and faster and again it was about to poke me and it slipped and fell again

Man 2:Then what??

Man 1:Well I kept running faster and faster and again it was about to poke me and again it slipped and fell.

Man 2: Damn I think that if a bull was chasing after me I
would've shitted my pants.

To all my dog loving friends.

Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God,

Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God,

If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God,

Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God,

If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God,

More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God,

When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God,

Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!

Dear God,

Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God,

Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God,

How do you know when you're really ugly?

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm.

The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel".

The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son."

"It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".

The teacher in a huff, said, "Alright young man...march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute!"

There was this lion who had just eaten a bull,and he felt good.

He felt so good he opened his mouth and roared and roared. He roared until a hunter came along and shot him.