Two male flies were buzzing around over a barnyard when they spotted a cute little female on a cow pie down below.

One of them says to the other, "Watch this... I'm gonna pour on the charm with a pick-up line I overheard some guy use in a bar one night and she'll be mine for life".

He spirals down and lights next to her on the cow pie, flexes his little wings and in his sexiest voice asks:

The waiter comes over at the end of the night to collect for the drinks.

The skunk says, "Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent."

The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

The cow says, "You'll have to ask one of the udders."

The deer says, "I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon."

This guy went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in front of the gorilla's enclosure, the wind gusted and he got some grit in his eye. As he pulled his eyelid
down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.

When the guy came to, the zookeeper was anxiously bending over him. As soon as he was able to talk, he explained what had happened. The zookeeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language, pulling down your eyelid means, "F*ck you."

This didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better and he vowed revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a
large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, hehurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn. Knowing that the big apes were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked atthe hat, and put it on. Next he picked up his horn and
blew on it.

The waiter bring over the meal and tells her, "here is your duck madam".

The lady picks up the duck and sticks her finger up the duck's ass, she licks the finger and calls the waiter over and says "I ordered a Long Island Duck and this
duck is from Canada".

The waiter politely apologizes and promises to return with the correct order.

The waiter brings over another duck and once again tells " her here is your duck madam". She once again picks up the duck and sticks her finger in the ducks ass
and licks it and once again she calls the waiter over and tells him "I ordered a Long Island Duck and this Duck is from Florida, I demand a Long Island Duck!"

Once again the waiter very apologetic takes the duck away and tell her that he will be right back with the correct order.

The waiter returns with another duck and just as before he gives it to the lady and says "here is your duck madam" and once again the lady goes through the same
routine as before and this time when she licks her finger she says "Now this is a long Island Duck" she turns to the waiter and says "you are a very accommodating waiter sir, where are you from?"

Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred..."I'll die for you"

DOGS' LETTERS TO GOD:

Dear God: How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another?Where are their priorities?..............

Dear God: When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?.

Dear God: Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs lovea nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!.

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?.

Dear God: Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on ramps?..................

Dear God: If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?.....................

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please...................

Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?.

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?...................

Dear God: Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street!...................

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?.

Dear God: Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet thing, again?.

Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"

Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"

Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

Two Robins were searching for food when they saw farmer Brown plowing.

Anticipating a feast they flew down and feasted on juicy worms.

Too full to fly they decided to lay and bask in the sun for a while.

Suddenly farmer Brown's cat pounced and ate both Robins.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told,"You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

This snail wanted an "S" painted on his car. So he went to a paint shop and got the "S" painted on his car.

Xaxier and his mule were walking down the road when one of Xaxier's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town.

Xaxier got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55 MPH, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70 MPH.

"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "His tongue's hanging out."

"Which way?" asked Xaxier.

"Left," his friend said.

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.

By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT under ANYcircumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen. But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing, and name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

A lady took her poodle to the parlor for a haircut. When she asked what it would cost, the girl behind the counter told her "$60".

The lady waas outraged. "I only pay $50 for my own haircut!"