One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven, where he meets the Lord.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived witha poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running;we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him
snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of
squirrels took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviours on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step siblings.

As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity crisis (don't we all!). It went to its stepparents to discuss the problem.

It allowed as to how it felt different from its stepsiblings, was
unsure of its place in the universe, and was generally forlorn.

What went through the fly's mind as he hit the windshield?

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk. One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Morris a devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences on uncle Mendel's dairy farm.

Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The Jewish cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, with great joy...

"It's a miracle!"

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for thechicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding
the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

The "No Love" Boat

When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:

"Listen up! There will be NO sex on this trip. Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis. All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey. He will write you a receipt.

After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? It's raining to end the world, there is no sign of letting up, and there's no chance of finding land."

"But we HAVE to get back to land - look!" said Mr. Rabbit with an impatient look on his face as he held out a piece of paper.

A cat goes up to a rooster and says, "I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster took the challenge and jumped over a broomstick.

The cat jumped over the broomstick and said, "See, I can do anything you can do!"

The rooster then went to a tiny brook, jumped/flew across and then asked the cat to do it.

The cat ran, jumped, and fell in the water.

The rooster had a great laugh as the cat got out of the water.

A pony goes into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?"

The bartender says, "What? I can't hear you, speak up!"

"May I please have a drink?" "What? You have to speak up!" "

Could I please have a drink?"

"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."

A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."

"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well… I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."

The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."

"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."

The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What?" says the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.

"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.

"What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.

Three penises were talking to each other and the first one said, "I like my master he lets me look outside."

The second said, "I like my master he plays with me."

A lady who was very lonesome bought a parrot from a pet store, complete with cage.

Before purchasing it she got a guarantee that the parrot would talk.

She took the parrot home.

In a week and a half she returned to the store very disappointed.

"The parrot doesn't talk.""Did you buy a mirror?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a mirror."

So she bought a mirror and installed it in the parrot's cage.

Another week and a half went by and she returned.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a ladder?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a ladder."

So she bought a ladder and installed it in the cage.

Another week and a half passed and she returned.

"The parrot still doesn't talk."

"Did you buy a swing?"

"No."

"Every parrot needs a swing."

So she bought a swing and installed it in the cage.

A week and a half later she returned.

She was furious!

The store owner asked, "Did the parrot talk?"

"No!, he died."

"Oh, that's terrible.

Did he say anything before he died?"

"Yes."

"What?"

COW FOR SALE

Kevin and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale... $5000."

Kevin pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."

The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!" He lifted the cow's tail, and Kevin saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.

An ardent young man was collecting flowers for his girlfriend in a
large field, when he noticed a large bull off to the side,
snorting and getting ready to charge at him.

Alarmed, he called out to the farmer he saw standing nearby, "Is
this bull safe?!"

This farmer has a cross-eyed cow that keeps bumping into things.

He calls the vet to try to remedy the problem.

The vet says. "I think the best thing is to stick a pipe up his ass and blow real hard and the cows eyes will straighten out.

The vet - a 70 year old man - inserts the pipe and blows.

The cows eyes begin to straighten, but the vet soon looses his breath and the cows eyes are crossed again.

The vet gives it another try, but looses his breath again. The vet looks at the farmer - a young healthy man - and says, you look like a strong man, why don't you give it a try.

The farmer agrees. He then takes the pipe out of the cows ass, turns it around, and sticks it back in. He then begins to blow.

Holy smokes, says the vet. What in the hell did you do that for.