My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will.

"Will?" "What will!!" he said.

"Marine biology researchers have developed a new method to fend off shark attacks. If you are diving and are approached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively and punch it in the nose as hard as possible."

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.

The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher. "But in six years it would have been worth $900. So $900is what I'm out."

Why are there no trained-donkey acts in the circus?

Because nobody likes a smart-ass.

If you want someone who'll make a total fool of himself because he's soglad to see you, get a dog.

If you want someone who's always ready to go out any time you ask, get a
dog.

If you want someone who'll be content JUST to snuggle up and keep you warm
in bed, get a dog. (You can always kick him out of the bed and make him
sleep in the laundry room if he snores. Try THAT with a man!)

If you want someone who eats whatever you put in front of him, and never
says "Why can't you make it like Mom did?" get a dog.

If you want someone who can scare away burglars without brandishing a
lethal weapon, endangering you (and all the neighbors), get a dog.

If you want someone who will do anything to please YOU, get a dog.

If you want someone to bring in your newspaper without tearing through it
first for the sports page, get a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes ANYTHING you do, doesn't care how
bad you look, acts as though every word you say is worth hearing, and
loves you unconditionally, get a dog.

If you want someone who NEVER touches the remote, couldn't care less about
Monday Night Football, and watches teary movies with you as long as you
want, get a dog.

ON THE OTHER HAND...

If you want someone who totally ignores you when you walk into a room, get
a cat.

If you want someone who acts as though you are there only to see that HE's
happy, get a cat.

If you want someone who'll prowl around all night and come home only to
eat and sleep all day, get a cat.

If you want someone who leaves hair all over the place, get a cat.

If you want someone who never comes when you call him, get a cat.

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to bury the dead?"

Sure fire way to protect your property....just post this sign:

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by thetime you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..."

Joe buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her, and starts kicking up dust.

Joe doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie a bed sheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away.

So that day, Joe does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly is nowhere to be found. Joe follows her hoof trail to the neighbors farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.

"Hey, young man," Joe calls, "did you see a filly run by with a bed sheet tied around her rump?"

The kid replies, "No, sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"

DOG OR DAWG?

To all you dog lovers out there and those who understand the difference
between Yankees and Southerners...

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern-2 versions) Bad Dawg, or Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Bad Dawg AND Mean As Heck Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What The Heck Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in it's ears and cleaned both
ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she
should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears
once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this under
your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple
of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm
using it on my schnauzer."

John came back from a safari in Africa. Upon arrival, he went to his friend, Mark, and told him of his adventures.

"I was out in the jungle," he said, "when all of a sudden I heard anoise in the bush behind me. Looking back, I saw a huge lion, licking his chops and smiling at me.

The lion started coming my way and I started running, with the lion not far behind. When the lion was almost at my neck, he suddenly slipped, and I got ahead a bit.

The lion started gaining on me again, and as he got closer, once again he slipped.

I happened to see a house not far away, so I made a run for it. I got close to the house with the lion almost on top of me when he slipped for a third time.

With my very last bit of strength, I ran into the house and closed the door in the lion's face."

"That's some story there, John, I would have went in my pants."

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona whenhe notices the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot.

He sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem.

The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being humped by a mouse.

Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by humping a German Shepherd.

The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Don't be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!

Three elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench discussing what the meanest animal in the world was.

The first said, "The meanest animal in the world is a Hippopotamus, cause it's got such big jowls. Onebite and your gone."

The second shook his head and said "Nah, hippo may be mean, but ain't nothing meaner than an alligator.He got a big mouth and all them teeth, snap, one bite, ha, one swallow, you gone."

The third gentleman sat for a moment, and finally he spoke and said, " No sir, the meanest animal in the world is a hippagator."

The other two in disbelief inquired as to what in the world is a hippagator, believing there was no such animal.

The gentleman slowly began to explain, " A hippagator got a hippo head on one end, and an 'gator head on the other".

"WAIT" interrupted the others, "If he has a head on both ends, How does he shit?"