These three old men were discussing how smart their pets were.

One said he had a cat that kept the whole neighborhood free of mice. Every day for two years he had killed any mouse that entered his area.

The other two men agreed, that was a smart cat.

The second man said he had a smart hunting dog. The other day he took him out and he got seven rabbits in one day.

The other two men said that's a smart dog.

The third man said he had a smart horse.

He went out riding the other day and accidently fell off the horse and broke his leg. That horse picked him up, carried him home, put him on the couch and called the doctor.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

This man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So the vet picks the dog up to have a good look at his eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed!!?" says his owner.

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?

"The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.

The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

Last weekend, I went for a walk on an old trail in the woods behind my grandparents farm.

It was always one of my favorite quiet spots, and ran by a large pond; really quite a serene place to be alone and collect your thoughts.

As I walked, I listened to the occasional fish splash in the water, the birds chirping overhead, squirrels running around in the fallen leaves.

I needed the relaxation and the time to collect my thoughts: That's when I noticed something that seemed to put much of life in perspective.

I noticed a chipmunk sitting on top of a tree stump that sat about halfway in the water, eating an acorn. Suddenly, the biggest fish I'd ever seen came up out of the water and ate the chipmunk.

A camel and an elephant were having a chat.

The elephant says to the camel "Why have you got your tits on
your back?"

The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she
should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."

The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer."

A dog owner in Dallas had a pit bull that hated to walk.He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that hisowner would have to drag him by his leash.

"Your dog is pretty dirty!" Janet said to her next door neighbor's little girl.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in awhile, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings
tears to your eyes.

It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His
legs are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big
circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

One day a poppa dog asked his puppy son if he would like to go to the dog show with him.

Of course the little puppy eagerly agreed.

While there the poppa dog entered himself in the show. Lo and behold, he came away with the blue ribbon for 'best of show'.

On the way home he suggested to his son that they stop by the local pub to celebrate with a beer or two. The puppy drank sodas while his father had several beers.

When they got home poppa realized that they had left the ribbon on the bar!

The puppy said, "You've had enough to drink already, Pop. I'll run back for it."

When he climbed up onto the bar stool the bartender asked, "What'll you have young man?"

The puppy replied, "I'LL HAVE PAP'S BLUE RIBBON, PLEASE!

Q: Why are there no trained donkey acts in the circus?

A: Because nobody likes a smart-ass.

Rated G

There were three little pigs that went to a restaurant for dinner. The
waiter came to the table and asked if they would like something to drink.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Dr. Pepper."

The second piggy said, "I would like a glass of tea,"

The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the waiter brought the drinks, he asked if they were ready to order.

The first piggy said, would like a Hamburger."

The second piggy said, "I would like a Steak."

The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished eating, the waiter asked if they would like some dessert.

The first piggy said, "I would like a hot fudge sundae."

The second piggy said, "I would like a banana split."

The third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished with dessert, the waiter brought their
check. Before he left the table, he asked the third little piggy why he only ordered water.

THREE GNUS

Once upon a time in the enchanted forest there lived three gnus (pronounced 'nooze'). There was a momma gnu. There was a poppa gnu. And there was a baby gnu.

Well. Came dinner time one day and there was nothing to eat. So the poppa gnu decided to go out into the forest and collect some nuts and berries for dinner.

Just then baby gnu piped up and said "Bleah! Nuts and berries again!"

So the poppa gnu went out into the forest. Little did he know that it was hunting season for gnus. And as he was walking along...

BLAM! BLAM!

The hunter killed him dead in his tracks.

After a while, momma gnu decided that old pops must be lost out in the forest. So she said "Baby, you be a good gnu while I go out to look for your old man."

She didn't know it was hunting season for gnus either. And as she was walking along...

BLAM! BLAM!

The hunter killed her dead in her tracks.

After a while, baby gnu was getting a little lonely and decided to go out and look for his parents. He didn't know it was hunting season either. And as he was walking along...

BLAM! BLAM!

The hunter got him too. Assassinated him on the trail. Deaded him. Knocked him off. Killed him dead in his tracks.

Well....