The BIGGEST Pig

After loosing the blue ribbon in the 'Biggest Pig" contest for the tenth year in a row the farmer said; "I'm gonna win next year, even if I gotta cheat!"

He took his prize pig home, and thought about it for a couple of weeks. Finally he had a plan. He went out to the barn and stuffed a huge cork in his prize pig's ass.

"Now we'll win next year for sure!"

Over the next couple of months he fed his pig the best slop that he could find. As each week passed the pig got bigger and bigger. After six months the pig was up to 1,865 pounds.

The farmer was sure he was going to win.

Five months later at the time of the fair, the pig was up to 3,582 pounds. The farmer had to use a crane to load and get the pig to the fair grounds. The next day the pig was awarded the "Blue Ribbon".

The farmer asked if he could leave his pig at the fair grounds.

He had to find a way to get the cork out of the pigs ass, and he knew what was going to happen then.

While reading the want adds one day, he came across an add for a monkey that could pull a cork out of a bottle at the ring of a bell.

A light came on in the farmer's head, and he rushed over to buy the monkey.

On his way to the fair grounds he saw three kids picking up bottles for refunds.
He asked them if they wanted to make ten dollars each and they agreed.

He took them to the fair, and placed the first boy 100 yards behind the pig.
He placed another boy 50 yards behind the pig, and the third boy directly
behind the pig.

He had instructed each boy to simply tell him what they saw.

Then he placed the monkey on the pigs back and rang a bell.

The monkey reached down and struggled to pull the cork free.

With a loud "pop!" the cork came out. There was a violent rush of wind, and a smell that was gut wrenching.

Then as the dust cleared, the farmer went to the first boy. "What did you see?", asked the farmer.

"Mister, I saw a great big black cloud coming at me 100 miles per hour, and the smell made me throw up!"

"OK", the farmer said giving him his ten dollars.

He asked the second boy what he saw.

"CRAP man! that’s all I saw was CRAP!

"Ok", said the farmer giving him his ten dollars.

Then he went to the third boy and asked him what he saw.

The Lucky Ant

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a thorn stuck in her foot.

She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"

The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."

So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out.

When he finally gets it out he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".

The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?"

The ant climbs up and starts to work away.

Just then a monkey overhead drops a coconut on the elephant's head.

"Ouch" screams the elephant.

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.

This guy that continually gains weight and is very sick and fat. He is always eating turkey right from the refrigerator.

It keeps making him sicker and fatter but he just can't seem to stop.

His friends and family worry about him but he keeps on with his addiction.

Finally, after years of sickness, he stops and loses a lot of weight and looks great.

His friends ask him how he did it.

One day Kermit the Frog was looking sad. Fozzie Bear went up to him and asked what was wrong.

Kermit said, "I'm having problems with Miss Piggy."

"Like what?" asked Fozzie.

"Well, Piggy wants me to eat her out and I can't."

Fozzie asked, "So, what's wrong with that? You're not a prude or anything."

One day, a man walked into a bar with an ostrich and a cat.

The man orders a beer, and so does the ostrich.

The cat orders half a pint, and refuses to tip the bartender.

The bartender tells them their bill is $10.78.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78!

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back to the bar.

The order the same thing as the day before, and again the cat is really rude to the bartender and won't tip him.

The bartender tells them their their bill is $10.78.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets exactly $10.78!

The next day, the man, the ostrich and the cat go back into the bar.

This time the man and the ostrich order a double scotch. The cat orders a scotch and is rude to the bartender.

The bartender smiles to himself, knowing that there is no chance the man will get the exact amount of money, and he's getting pissed at the cheapskate cat.

He tells the man that their bill is $15.63.

The man reaches into his pocket and gets the exact change!

The bartender is astonished. He asks the man how he always gets the right amount of change.
The man tells him, ''Well, one day I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and a genie came out. He told me I could have any three wishes I wanted.

My first wish was that I could reach into my pocket and get the exact change of anything I was buying.''

''Very smart,'' said the bartender.

''My second wish was to have a high tolerance for alcohol.''

''Good choice!'' the bartender exclaimed. ''What was your third wish?''

How do you know when you're really ugly?

A traveling salesman's car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

So he goes looking for help, and eventually finds a lone farmhouse.

Spying a light, he goes up to the door and knocks.

"Hi. My car broke down a while back. Got a phone I can use to call for help?" he asks the farmer when he opens the door.

"Nope," he's told. "I ain't got no phone here.

But if you want, I can give you a ride into town in the morning to get some help."

The salesman agrees, and the farmer shows him to his room.

"What's that?" he asks, spying a wall of eggs.

"My daughter, the most beautiful creature in the world, is behind that wall," the farmer explains. "Now, come morning, if any of them eggs are broke, I'm gonna kill you. Understand?"

The salesman agrees to this, and turns in to bed.

Later that night, though, he hears the daughter moaning from behind her wall, and finally he can't control himself anymore.

He has to see this beauty. Rushing through the wall, he finds that she's even more beautiful than her father said, and she's quite ready to have fun.

They spend the whole night making wild passionate love.

The salesman is woken by the rooster in the morning, and he hears the farmer climbing the stairs.

In a panic, he grabs a jar of glue and starts gluing the eggshells back together.

He has just finished putting the last egg into the wall when the farmer bursts into the room.

"So, you managed to control yourself," the old man says, looking at the intact wall

"Come on down, and I'll make you breakfast."

So saying, he grabs a couple of eggs from the wall. The salesman is petrified as he sits at the breakfast table.

He knows that the eggs the farmer picked are empty, and he knows the farmer will catch on to what happened.

The farmer cracks open an egg.

Nothing.
He cracks open a second egg.

Again, nothing.

He cracks a third egg.

Nothing.

"Hmm," he says, looking right at the salesman, a frown appearing on his face.

If you go fishin' and you catch somethin' - thats good.

If your making love and you catch somethin' - that's bad.

Fish don't complain if you light up a smoke right after you catch 'em.

You can catch and release a fish, but you don't have to lie and promise to still be freinds after you let it go.

You don't have to necessarily change your line to keep catching fish.

Fish don't mind if you fall asleep in the middle of fishin'.

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.

Mr. Harris had a new secretary who was such a pretty young thing and so eager to please that he decided to "work late" and to take her to dinner tonight. So he called up his wife to tell her he would be late and she replied, "No problem."

So Mr. Harris treated his secretary to dinner at a fancy restaurant where they had one drink too many. After dinner with her, it was obvious that Mr. Harris would get lucky tonight when the girl asked him to take her home. When they got to the
secretary's home, they did the wild thing for over two hours. When it was over, Mr. Harris went to the bathroom to freshen up and get ready to go home. Looking into the mirror, he noticed that he had a huge hickey on his neck. He had no idea what hewas going to tell his wife and fell into a state of panic but he had no choice but to go home and face the music as it was getting quite late.

Putting his key into the lock, he heard his dog come barking and scratching at the door. He thought, "Aha! I got an idea." He entered the house, fell on the carpet and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.

Holding his neck in one hand, he walked into the bedroom and exclaimed, "Honey! Look what the dog did to my neck!"

What do you call a donkey with one leg?

A wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye?

A winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love?

A bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind?

A stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes?

A honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes and playing piano?

A plinky plonky honky tonky stinky bonky winky wonky donkey

What do you call a donkey with one leg and one eye makin' love while breaking wind, wearing blue suede shoes, playing piano and driving a truck?

There is one man and he has over 100 acres of land.

He decidesthat he wants to buy a horse. So he goes to the stable and ask
the owner for a horse.

He looks for hour, and he suddenly sees a beautiful horse. He asks the man if he could buy it.

The owner tells the man that this is a special horse. The horse will only
go if you say " Thank God", the horse will stop if you say "Bless me", and the horse will go faster if you say "I love you".

Yeah right thinks the man, and so he takes the horse home.

A week later, the man takes the horse out for a ride. He says "Giddiup", the horse does not move. After a few more trys he finally says "Thank God". Of course the horse begins to move. The man would like to go a little faster, so he says "I love you", and the horse goes faster and faster. Then the man sees a cliff up ahead. He says "Stop, Stop!" He trys and trys to remember the words to get him to stop.

Finally he says "Bless me". The horse stops about an inch away from the cliff.

A rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any person that can make my elephant jump."

So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried, but no one could get that elephant to jump.

Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked, "Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the guy went back to his car.

He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8 feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000. The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off.

The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my elephant turn his head from side to side." The man had seen his elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.

People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it. When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up.

One day farmer Brown went to the barn to milk his prize cow. When he got to the barn he was shocked to find that the cows eyes were crossed! He thought, "This is a valuable cow, I can't have it walking around cross-eyed." So he called the Vet.

The vet came out and said he knew exactly what to do. He proceeded to take out a hose and stick it in the cow's butt. He then told the farmer to go around and watch the cow's eyes.

As the farmer was watching the vet took a deep breath and blew into the hose. To the farmer's amazement the cow's eyes went back to normal. The vet said that'll be $200. The farmer was a bit taken aback by the steep charge, but he was thankful that his cow was back to normal, so he paid the vet without complaint.

The next day, he went out to milk the cow as usual. To his great dismay he found that the cow's eyes were crossed again! He didn't feel like paying the vet again though, so he decided to treat the cow himself.

He began to do the same procedure to the cow exactly as he saw the vet do it the day before. However he could not see if it was having the same effect. So he called Billy-Bob the farm hand over and said, "I want you to watch the cow's eyes while I blow in this hose." Billy-Bob agreed and watched as farmer Brown did the deed. However, nothing happened. He reported to the farmer who tried it again. Still, no result.

Farmer Brown was stumped, so he told Billy-Bob to blow while he watched the eyes. As farmer Brown moved to the front, he saw Billy-Bob take out the hose and turned it around! Just before he put it to his lips, the farmer yelled, "What the hell are you
doing?!"