When the ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals and said in a demanding voice:

"Listen up kids! There will be NO sex on this trip.

Not even the wetting of the tip of your penis.

All of you males, take off your penises and hand them to Jim the Monkey.

He will write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week, Mr. Rabbit ran over to his wife and very excitedly said, "Quick! Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Shit!" shouted Mr. Rabbit and out he went.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him.

"What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

Once, while driving around in my pickup with my pet donkey in the back, I discovered I had a flat tire.

I got out and had the donkey stick its head under the bumper and lift the truck.

A passing farmer asked, "Hey, that’s a pretty clever trick.

How did you teach your donkey to lift the truck?"

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves.

"What are you doing in there?" she asked.

The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

The lady replied, "Yes."

Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion and loses an eye, an arm, and his penis.

The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health.

They give him the eye of a hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a penis, they give him a baby elephant's trunk.

After about a week, Cheetah, comes up to Tarzan and says, "How Tarzan like new parts?"

Top 16 Movies of the Taco Bell Chihuahua

16 Looking for Mr. Goodfood

14 Somethin’ Humping My Left Foot

13 Ground Dog Day

12 Old Yeller Meat

11 TACO: Rules of Engorgement

10 Forty-Nine Dog Years in Tibet

8 Stephen King's Pet Dysentery

7 My Best Friend's Shedding

6 Sniff the Girls Good-bye

5 Nacho Born Killers

4 He Got Mange

2 Gag the Dog

What’s a Bear gotta do to get a Beer around Here?

A bear goes into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar."

..The bear bangs on the bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars."

..The bear grabs a barmaid and bashes her.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang bars and bash barmaids."

..The bear bellows at the other bartender to bring him a beer.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in this bar, especially not bears who bang on bars, bash barmaids and bellow at bartenders."

..Exasperated, the bear bites the bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beers to bears who are on drugs."

..The bear says, "Huh?"

A woman hurried into a shop, picked up a can of fly-spray, handed it to the assistant and asked, “Is this this good for wasps?” 

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things- chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out ofthings to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned. "How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

A New York boy was being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"Old Jetro's next door's a-makin' moonshine again." the wife told her husband.

"How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it? "

How do you kill a blue elephant?

Shoot it with a blue elephant gun.

How do you kill a pink elephant?

A woman goes into a store and buys a beautiful green and blue parrot.

But the only words the parrot knows how to say is "Who is it?"

She takes the parrot home, and soon realizes that the bird's color clashes with the living room.

So she calls an Interior Decorator, who says he will come by shortly.

The Decorator eventually shows up, but the woman is out shopping.

He knocks on the door, and the parrot says "Who is it?"

The man says, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man repeats, "It's the decorator."

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man yells, "It's the decorator!!!"

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The man screams, "The decorator, I said, THREE TIMES!!"..... The decorator gets so mad, that he pops a blood vessel, and dies on the spot.

The lady comes home and finds a dead man lying on her front porch.

She says, "Oh my goodness... who is it?"

Q: Why did the ant fall off the toilet bowl?

What do you call an Amish man on the side of the road, with his hand up a horse's ass?

A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head.

Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked.

The other customers were very confused and some very upset at the way the animal was being treated.

One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, ''Sir, what are you doing!?!''