There was this blind guy waiting at the bus stop when a dog came along, sniffed his leg and peed all over it.

The blind guy pulled out a piece of candy and put it down to the dog.

A passer-by saw the spectacle and promptly went over to the blind man. "What are you doing," the stranger asked, "You're not going to give that dog a piece of candy for peeing on you, are you?"

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country.

One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave noticed his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.

He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings.

When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there.

The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes & scampers off...

The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.

When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away...

The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off.

The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance. He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life..
.
The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened, so the man explains about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Yes, there is a nasty bug going around.”

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "hmmmm," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea.

He calls his father.

"Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"Why that's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So his father sends the dog and the $1000.

About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.

So he calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm, but you just won't believe this - now they have a program here that will teach Fido to READ!"

"READ!" says his father, "That's amazing! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

So his father sends the money....

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited.

"Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.

This morning when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner and reading the morning paper, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead that lives down on Oak Street?' "

"Jim-Bob and Jethro, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt. 

"Good work!" says the bartender. 

He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and puts them into the rancher's outstretched hand.

After the rancher leaves, Jim-Bob asks the bartender, "What was that all about?" 

The barkeep says, "Haven't you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain't done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid waste t'my chicken coop.

Ol' Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the blood thirsty beasts! They're vicious, and they got no fear -- and they gotta be stopped.

So I'm offerin' a bounty -- a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt."

Jim-Bob and Jethro look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves. 

After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Jethro takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. 

The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Jim-Bob gets busy with the pelt.

Suddenly, Jethro says, "Hey, Jim-Bob, look."  "Not now," says Jim-Bob, "I'm busy." 

Jethro tugs on his sleeve and says, "Jim-Bob, I think you really ought to see this." 

"Not now!" Jim-Bob says again. "Can't you see I've got a hundred dollars in my hands?" 

Jethro voice starts to waver. "Jim-Bob, please, just look!" 

Jim-Bob stops and looks up: 

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor. "My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said. "That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible thing?"

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A woman has a dog who snores in his sleep and keeps her and her husband awake at night.

She goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

Of course the woman is very skeptical in believing this and goes home.

A few hours after going to bed the dog is snoring as usual.

Finally getting very frustrated, she goes to closet and grabs a piece of ribbon, ties it around the dogs testicles, and sure enough the dog stops snoring.

The woman is amazed.

Later that night her husband returns from being out with his friends and he is very drunk. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.

The woman is desperate and thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. She goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husbands testicles.

Amazingly it also works on him. The woman falls asleep again and sleeps very soundly.

The next morning the husband wakes up very hung over. He stumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his scrotum.

He is very confused. He walks back into the bedroom and sees a a similar ribbon attached to his dogs scrotum.

"How long has your wife believed she's a chicken?" asked the psychiatrist asked the husband.

"Three years, doc."

"Three years! Why did you wait so long before bringing her in to see me?"

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.

They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours.

When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long. "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

Father my dog just died, the woman sobbed. Will you bury it for me?

Madam, the priest replied, it has never been the, nor will it ever be , the practice of the Catholic Church to hold services for a dog.

I'm sorry to hear that. I would have paid five thousand dollars for it.

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.

"I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of yours are so expensive!" She says.

"Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

"$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs."

So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.

"What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait.

Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm.

Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat.

Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg.

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other, discussing life as usual, when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep.

They carry on grazing as before. "Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoooo!"

One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him.

He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face, and then asks "Wooley, why are you mooing? You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"