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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-22-2003 09:24 AM                        Rated PG Crossbred Dogs Malamute x Pointer = Moot Point, favorites of lawyers but ... it doesn't seem to matter. Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed. Pointer x Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet. Kerry Blue Terrier x Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries. Great Pyrenees x Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed. Pekingnese x Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog. Irish Water Spaniel x English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle. Labrador Retriever x Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists. Newfoundland x Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors. Terrier x Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes. Bloodhound x Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly. Collie x Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work. Deerhound x Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end. Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-24-2003 06:02 AM                        Rated G Michele Everybody Loves Puppies!! Don't smell crotches, don't eat plants, Don't steal food or underpants. Don't eat my socks, don't grab my hair... Don't rip the stuffing from that chair! Don't eat those peas! Don't touch that bush! Don't chew my shoes... what is that mush? Eat your cookie, drink your drink. Outta the toilet! Outta the sink! Away from the cat box, it's for the cats! (And must you kiss me after that????) Yes, raising a puppy is not for the lazy, Though puppies are funny, they're also quite crazy!! But don't despair, though it's toil and strife, After 3 years you'll get your life back! So, let's go for "walkies", you can "do your thing". And perhaps I'll get back my good diamond ring!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-27-2003 04:24 AM                        Rated G Did you hear about the new breed of dog in pet shops? They crossed a pit bull with a collie;it bites your leg off and goes for help.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 08:45 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Veterinarians are prescribing Prozac for dogs. Animal rights activists are thrilled. Things have finally come full circle. Finally, a drug for animals that has been tested on humans first.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 10:52 AM                        Rated G All I Need To Know About Life I Learned From A Cow Wake up in a happy mooo-d. Don't cry over spilled milk. When chewing your cud,remember,there is no fat,no calories,no cholesterol and no taste! The grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all it's worth! It's better to be seen and not herd. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives. Never take any bull from anybody. Always let them know who's bossy! Stepping on cow pies brings good luck. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-28-2003 01:09 PM                        Rated G There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation,he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners,while doubling his practice and,therefore,his income. He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr.Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-29-2003 09:46 AM                        Rated G FishinPhil The Department Of Natural Resources worked on a plan to breed a hybrid fish that would be the ultimate quarry for avid anglers. They decided that a cross between a Coho salmon and a Walleye would be the best mix. This produced a fish they dubbed a,"Co-wall". However, when the fry began to emerge as adult fish,there was no fight to it.It somehow was 'genetically passive'.They mulled over possibilities until it was decided that they would breed the "Co-wall" with a Muskie to solve the problem. Nowthey have a "Co-wall-skie", and if someone could just teach it to swim....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-06-2003 06:35 AM                        Rated G planting-tulips This exlains it all! The Great Dog Convention There was a Great Dog Convention. They come from near and far. Some came on bicycles, and some came in cars. Y'know, before they could enter, or even take a look, they had to take their asshole off, and hang it on a hook. But before they even got seated, (every mother, pup, and sire), An old dog hollered from the back, "Run for your life. It's a FIRE!" The crowd of dogs began to panic, and nobody stopped to look. They grabbed the very nearest asshole, off the very nearest hook. And this is why, even today, a dog will drop a bone, to sniff another dog's asshole, to see if it's his own.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-07-2003 10:52 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I hope if dogs ever take over the world,and they choose a king, they don't just go by size,because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2003 07:01 AM                        Rated PG As your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime: 1.. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2.. Blaming your farts on me... not funny. 3.. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!! 4.. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?) 5.. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?) 6.. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!. 7.. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet? 8.. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9.. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look,we both know the truth,you’re just jealous. 10.. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur? 11.. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home. 12.. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard.Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me? 13.. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”,then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there. 14.. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.Wow,you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 15.. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-13-2003 01:11 PM                        Rated G While a female chimpanzee is in heat, she seeks sex an average of twenty times a day. That sounds like what the average human male does every day.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-15-2003 11:54 AM                        Rated G Condom Dog A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 06:47 AM                        Rated G Michele Cowboy: "Well, I suppose you've been alright.You've been a decent horse,I guess.A bit slow sometimes,but a decent horse, and..." Horse: "No, you stupid idiot,...I didn't ask you for FEEDBACK! I said that I wanted my FEEDBAG!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-19-2003 07:15 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee PICTURE THIS There are two dogs waiting outside a post office.One says to the other: "I told you we don't have to chase mailmen any more.Wait here and they'll come right to you."  |  IP: Logged Bill Gabel Film God Posts: 3873 From: Technicolor / Postworks NY, USA Registered: Jan 2002 posted 05-21-2003 11:08 AM                     Turtles and Birds Rated G Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped , "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."  |  IP: Logged

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