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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-19-2005 09:14 AM                        Rated G For: Rachel in Ma. A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets. Someone asked her what the bracelet was for. She replied, "I'm allergic to nuts and eggs." The person asked, "Are you also allergic to cats?" The girl replied, "I don't know. I haven't eaten one yet."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-26-2005 07:30 AM                        Rated G B.B. Why cats are better than men.... A cat always hits the litterbox. Better chance of training a cat. No matter what your cat drags into your house,you don't have to pretend to like it You never have to spend time with your cat's mother. If you ask enough times, a cat may actually listen to you. A cat purrs when you serve it dinner. You can de-claw a cat (but don't!)... Try to get a guy to clip his toenails. You don't have to worry about your cat turning into a pig when you host a party. A cat knows you're the key to his happiness...a man thinks he is.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 06:59 AM                        Rated G DOG STRESS MANAGEMENT TIPS: 1. Howl at an ambulance or fire siren every chance you get. 2. Run around the room in circles with a sock in your mouth. 3. Eat a messy meal without using your paws or utensils. 4. Ask a friend to scratch your belly.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2005 03:08 PM                        Rated G B.B. Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About My Pets: 1. They live here. You don't. 2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.) 3. I like my pets a lot better than most people 4. To you, it's an animal, To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids .. they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug- using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 06:45 AM                        Rated G At one home on my husband's letter-carrying route, the dog on the other side of the mail slot always barked excitedly and eagerly grabbed the mail. One day the dog's owner explained that the labrador had started bringing the mail upstairs to him soon after he got him, so he promptly rewarded with a treat. After several months there was a slight change in procedure: The dog still delivered the mail upstairs--but only one piece at a time.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-28-2005 12:50 PM                        Rated G How dogs and men are the same . . . 1. Both take up too much space on the bed. 2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. 3. Both mark their territory. 4. Neither tells you what's bothering them. 5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous 6. Neither understands what you see in cats. 7. Neither does any dishes. 8. Both fart shamelessly. 9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut. 10. Both like dominance games. 11. Both are suspicious of the postman..  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:41 PM                        Rated G Cat Superstitions Dreaming of white cat means good luck. - American superstition To see a white cat on the road is lucky. - American superstition It is bad luck to see a white cat at night. - American superstition If a cat washes behind its ears, it will rain. - English superstition A strange black cat on your porch brings prosperity. - Scottish superstition A cat sneezing is a good omen for everyone who hears it. - Italian superstition A cat sleeping with all four paws tucked under means cold weather ahead. - English superstition When you see a one-eyed cat, spit on your thumb, stamp it in the palm of your hand, and make a wish. The wish will come true. - American superstition In the Netherlands, cats were not allowed in rooms where private family discussions were going on. The Dutch believed that cats would definitely spread gossips around the town. - Netherlands superstition  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:43 PM                        Rated G Spaz To reverse the bad luck curse of a black cat crossing your path, first walk in a circle, then go backward across the spot where it happened and count to 13.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 04:59 PM                        Rated G Pet Training A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly. For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled- up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-30-2005 09:06 PM                        Rated G Dakota "I use to be scared of Dog's. Then I realized that dog's are just as scard of me as I am of them; they just show it differently."They show it by barking and snapping at me, and I show it by wetting myself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-01-2005 08:17 AM                        Rated G If cats wore T-shirts, here's what they would say...... Purrrrfection Cannot Be Improved If you don't like my attitude, you should see my owner!! MENOPAWS...This is the hottest I've been in years. Take my advice...I'm not using it. I'd like to help you out...Which way did you come in? Cats know how we feel...They don't care, but they know. As a house pet, I'm overqualified. Personally, I don't believe felines are a fad. We're here to stay.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-02-2005 07:01 AM                        Rated G THOUGHTS ABOUT CATS Behind every cat that crosses the street, there is a dog saying, "Go ahead, you can make it." In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat. Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit. There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. The only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible is the cat. (Hmmmm) "We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it...and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove- lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore." ~Mark Twain~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 12:41 PM                        Rated G Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes. Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-03-2005 03:21 PM                        Rated G A cat attacks a mother mouse and its baby. The mother mouse goes "Bark". The cat runs away. "See?" says the mother mouse. You see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2005 04:48 PM                        Rated G FELINE PHYSICS OR CAT LAWS LAW OF CAT INERTIA: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse. LAW OF CAT MOTION: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction. LAW OF CAT THERMODYNAMICS: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, all heat flows to the cat. FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible. LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond. LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture. LAW OF PILL REJECTION: Any pill given to a cat has potential energy to reach escape velocity. LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION: A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-matter + It Doesn't Matter. LAW OF SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM: Given enough time, a cat will land in just about any space. LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE: As yet undiscovered  |  IP: Logged

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