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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 11:49 AM                        Rated G SamWitty EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY: 8 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 9:30 AM--Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite! 9:40 AM--Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite! 10:30 AM--Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite! 11:30 AM--Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite! 12 Noon--Oh, boy! The kids! My favorite! 1 PM--Oh, boy! The yard! My favorite! 4 PM--Oh, boy! To the park! My favorite! 5:30 PM--Oh, boy! Pretty mums! My favorite! 6 PM--Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite! 6:30 PM--Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite! 8:30 PM--Oh, boy! Sleeping in my master's bed! My favorite! EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY: Day 183 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry, hard cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild scolding I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.. Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs! In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair; must try this on their bed. Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmmmm, not working according to plan. There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my power of "allergies.." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage. I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He's is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time..  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2006 11:50 AM                        Rated G Cutie2pi Neighbor: Young man, your cat was digging around in my garden! Jimmy: I promise he'll never do that again. Neighbor: How can you be so sure? Jimmy: He was only burying your hamster he caught last night. But he's finished up by now.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2006 07:04 AM                        Rated G B.B. As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down. Drastic action was called for. I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands. When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the line was the white kitchen towel.  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 01-12-2006 02:04 PM                     RATED G Two mice are talking to each other. The one says, " I know a pretty good spot to party. Veeery fun. And the best is, there is no single cat!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 09:42 AM                        Rated G A Feline Dictionary Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2006 10:35 AM                        Rated G Dog's, Dog's and more about Dog' The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. --Anonymous Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. --Ann Landers If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. --Will Rogers There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. --Ben Williams A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loveshimself. -Josh Billings The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. --Andy Rooney We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. --M. Acklam Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. --Sigmund Freud I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. -Rita Rudner A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. --Robert Benchley Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. --Franklin P. Jones If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. --James Thurber If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. --Unknown My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. --Joe Weinstein Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! -Anne Tyler Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. --Robert A. Heinlein If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' -- Dave Barry Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. --Roger Caras If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. --Phil Pastoret  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2006 03:04 PM                        Rated G Jewell Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale. "My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation. "A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for. "My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted. "So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head. "No, just to get my nails clipped."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-23-2006 08:24 AM                        Rated G Quirk Dolphins: Don't trust a species that's always smiling, its up to something!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2006 08:24 AM                        Rated G Chris In an upscale pet-supply store, a customer wanted to buy a red sweater for her dog. The clerk suggested that she bring her dog in for a proper fit. "Oh, no, I can't do that!" the lady said. "See, the sweater is going to be a surprise!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2006 10:30 AM                        Rated G B.B. Why did the spider cross the road? To get to his Web site!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 12:36 PM                        Rated G A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called "Frisky" when it was in her room but she called it "Ballpoint" when it was in the sty. "Tell me," he asked her father, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" "That's easy," she replied. "Ballpoint is just his pen name."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2006 01:06 PM                        Rated G A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?" The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-06-2006 10:36 AM                        Rated G B.B. Dogs Don't Understand 1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m. 2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her. 3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet. 4. The cats have every right to be in the living room. 5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid. 6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk 7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can. 8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once. 9. No, it's my food....Oh all right then, just a small piece.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 09:22 AM                        Rated G Chris A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-08-2006 09:31 AM                        Rated G Gerry While being towed to market, a crate of chickens broke open. The farmer and his son quickly scooped up as many of the birds as they could find. The boy said,"Well, at least we caught ten of them." The farmer replied, "That's amazing! Because when we left we had only eight!"  |  IP: Logged

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