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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-09-2006 11:36 AM                        Rated G David There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig. The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!" The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-13-2006 07:09 AM                        Rated G B.B. If a cat worked for a cell phone company, what would he say? Can you hear me meow?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2006 10:45 AM                        Rated PG B.B. Reasons Why Men Have Two Dogs And Not Two Wives 1 The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 4. Dogs don't mind it if you call them by another dog's name. 5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 6. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 7. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. 8. Dogs seldom outlive you. 9. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 10. Dogs find you amusing when you're stumbling around in the dark. 11. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 12. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 13. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 14. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 15. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 16. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 17. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck. 18. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. [ 02-15-2006, 08:12 AM: Message edited by: Bob Maar ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-15-2006 08:13 AM                        Rated G A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2006 01:22 PM                        Rated G Norma An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like this: 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2006 11:29 AM                        Rated G B.B. WHEN I AM AN OLD CAT When I am an old cat, I shall wear purple hair with a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me. I shall spend my pension on catnip and rhinestone collars and velvet pillows, and say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired and gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells and run my claw along the public railings and make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in the rain and munch the flowers in other people's gardens and learn to spit. You can wear terrible collars and grow more fat and eat three pounds of sausages at a go or only bread and bugs for a week and hoard dead mice and lint fluff and bits of string and things in boxes. But now we must have collars that keep us dignified and pay our dues and not poop in the street and set a good example for the children. We must have furrends to dinner and lay on the mewspapers. But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised When suddenly I am an old cat, and start to wear purple hair. ~ poem rewritten by ©GM~ ~ original poem was "When I Am An Old Woman" ~ Jenny Joseph  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2006 12:00 PM                        Rated G Stroade DOG STORY 1. The dog is not allowed in the house. 2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms. 3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture. 4. The dog can get on the old furniture only. 5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed. 6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation. 8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only. 9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night. 7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers. 10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-07-2006 08:35 AM                        Rated G B.B. If a Dog were your Teacher You would learn stuff like..... When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest-practice obedience.. Take naps and stretch before rising. Thrive on attention and let others touch you. Run, romp, and play daily. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. On hot days, lay down and rest. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. When someone is having a bad day just jump in their arms and bring a happy smile.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 08:51 AM                        Rated G Namrod A man goes into a pet store with his pet duck. I've got a "Dry Duck", he tells the owner. He tries to drink water, but he can't. The store owner looks at the duck and says, " I see the problem. Your duck's bill is too long, and so he can't drink enough water. All I have to do is file some of his bill off so he can drink. "How much will it cost?" says the man. "Oh, about 20 bucks ought to do it", says the owner. "20 BUCKS?" says the man. "Heck, I can file his bill off myself for that kinda money." The owner cautions the man that if he files too much of the duck's bill,the duck will drink Too Much water,and drown. "I'll take my chances", says the man, and he leaves. The next day, the same man comes into the pet store, walks up to the owner and says, "I want to buy a duck." "AHA, says the owner, "you filed too much of your duck's bill off and it drowned, didn't you." "No, said the man, the duck was already dead when I took his head out of the vise."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:09 AM                        Rated G Spaz Cats can have three kinds of hair in their coats - down, awn, and guard. The down is the shortest, finest, and softest hair. The awn is the coarsest, and the guard (sometimes called the primary hairs) is the longest. Not all cats have all three varieties. The Sphynx has only down hairs, and few of these. The Cornish Rex has only awn and down. The awn hairs are usually shorter than the guard hairs (and longer than the down), but when awn and guard hairs are the same length, as in the Russian Blue, the cat is called double coated.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-08-2006 09:22 AM                        Rated G B.B. Did You See That? Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:16 AM                        Rated G B.B. A bear, a lion and a chicken meet. Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear." Lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me." Chicken says, "Big deal I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:50 AM                        Rated G Spaz The Sense Of Smell The feline sense of smell is often referred to as smell tasting. It is technically called flehman. Cats use their Jacobson's Organ, a "sense organ in their gums that can be activated by chemical stimuli and store up scents." When taking in a new scent, the cat opens his mouth and slightly pulls back his upper lip. This allows the cat's sense of smell to take a picture of each new scent.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:52 AM                        Rated G Spaz When a cat sits with both feet tucked inward and studies you with the same admiration you would direct toward a Rembrandt, you know you have been adopted.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2006 08:55 PM                        Rated G Spaz What cat eye colors are possible? Eye color is genetically related to coat color. Pointed cats always have blue eyes. White cats, and cats with a lot of white markings, can have: blue eyes green, gold, or copper eyes or "odd-eyes" (one blue eye and one green or gold eye)! Other cats can only have green, gold, or copper eyes, not blue eyes. The most common eye colors are in the middle of the eye color spectrum (greenish-yellow to gold). The colors at the ends of the eye color spectrum (deep green or brilliant copper) are usually seen only in purebreds who have been selectively bred for extreme eye color, but they may sometimes appear in non-purebreds.  |  IP: Logged

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