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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-10-2006 08:08 AM                        Rated G Lorraine At the riding school where I taught, five-year-old Lily was mounted on a gentle, retired show horse who knew all the ropes, including voice commands. On her first lesson, I explained to Lily what to do with her hands and legs to ask the horse to walk forward from the halt. She nodded solemnly that she understood. "All right, then," I instructed. "Ask Trigger to walk." Lily stood up in the stirrups and inched along the horse's neck until her mouth was nearly touching his ear. "Walk, please, Trigger," she whispered. Trigger walked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-11-2006 02:50 PM                        Rated G B.B. Have you ever wondered what truly goes through a dog's mind? Are you like millions who have searched for the reasons why dogs do what they do? Well look no further. Following are some amazing insights directly from the mind of your dog. I love my master; Thus I perfume myself with this long-rotten squirrel. Today I sniffed many dog behinds I celebrate by kissing your face. I sound the alarm! Paper boy -- come to kill us all I lift my leg and whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot Sniff this and weep My human is home! I am so ecstatic I have made a puddle I hate my choke chain Look, world, they strangle me! Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack! Look in my eyes and Deny it. No human could love you as much I do Dig under fence -- why? Because it's there. Because it's There. Because it's there. I am your best friend. Now, always, and especially when you are eating. My owners' mood is Romantic. I lie near their feet. I pass a big one.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-12-2006 09:04 AM                        Rated G Betsy Fascinated by her new pet kitten, little Jamie played with it day and night. The cat soon became exhausted, and curled up beside the fireplace to sleep. Comforted by the warmth, the animal began to purr. Screaming, Jamie ran into the bedroom. "Mommy, Mommy, come quickly! The kitty's beginning to boil!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2006 08:18 PM                        Rated G Lorraine My Irish setter, Kelly, accompanied my friend and me cross-country skiing. Because there was traffic on a road alongside one trail, I leashed Kelly, tucked my poles under my left arm and held on to her with my right hand. I climbed up the hill, with Kelly giving me a pull. When we reached the top, a stranger at the bottom hailed me. "Can you send the dog back down, please?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2006 02:38 PM                        Rated G B.B. Dog Property Rules 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 6. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2006 08:11 AM                        Rated G B.B. IF CATS WORE T-SHIRTS, HERE'S WHAT THEY WOULD SAY. . . Purrrrfection Cannot Be Improved If you don't like my attitude, you should see my owner!! Take my advice...I'm not using it. I'd like to help you out...Which way did you come in? Cats know how we feel...They don't care, but they know. As a house pet, I'm overqualified. Personally, I don't believe felines are a fad. We're here to stay.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 11:59 AM                        Rated G Gerry A big-city boy visiting his cousin in the Florida Everglades was touring some of the swamplands. "Is it true that alligators won't attack if you carry a flashlight?" he nervously asked. His cousin smiled and said, "It depends on how fast you carry the flashlight!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 12:25 PM                        Rated G Bruce "This bird flu is pretty is pretty scary. I spent an hour last night rubbing Vicks Vapo-rub on my parakeet." --Jay Leno  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 12:27 PM                        Rated G Normal Water Intake for Your Cat Do you every wonder how much water your cat should be drinking? If you feed her dry food, she should consume approximately one cup of water for every ten pounds of body weight in a twenty-four hour period. If you feed her canned food, her intake may be one-third to one-half of the above. If the weather is warm or she is playing or running a lot, she may drink more.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 12:29 PM                        Rated G Spaz Cat Entrance Many veterinary clinics have a separate entrance and wait- ing area for their feline patients. This helps reduce some of the stress that your cat may feel in the presence of dogs. Peruse the Yellow Pages as some clinics may note this feature in their advertisement.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2006 12:30 PM                        Rated G Spaz Cats step with both left legs, then both right legs when they walk or run. The only other animals to do this are the giraffe and the camel.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:02 AM                        Rated G B.B. What Dogs Do for Us Catch Frisbees Keep a night alone from being truly lonely Get us outside on beautiful fall days, rainy days and snowy winter days Listen to our singing Treat us like celebrities when we come home Warm up our beds on cold nights Make our hearts more vigorous Alert us to the arrival of mail Help us live a little longer Make us smile Agree with everything we say Warm our knees with their chins Provide a use for old tennis balls Signal when a thunderstorm is coming Pull sleds Help lower our blood pressure Test how fast we can run Keep the squirrels from overtaking our yards Teach us the meaning of unconditional love. ~ Published in Ann Landers Newspaper column~  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:05 AM                        Rated G B.B. Pet 'Pet-Peeves' 1. Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." 2. Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" 3. Cat: "Sharpen claws on one stinking curtain and it's curtains." 4. Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy humans ever really give me a cracker?" 5. Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" 6. Dog: "What the ... HEY!!! I didn't even sign a consent form for that surgery. Help, Legal Council!!!!" 7. Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 10:58 AM                        Rated G The Doggy Dictionary LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go. DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bed- spread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room. DROOL: What to do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or, better yet, on their laps. SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs until your person makes you stop. GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you complete the exercise by prancing away. DEAFNESS: A malady which affects a dog when its person wants it in and the dog wants to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. THUNDER: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, peeing on the rug, rolling your eyes wildly and following at their heels. WASTEBASKET: A dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house for your person to play with by putting back in the wastebasket when they come home. SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean. BATH: A process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and fre- quently. LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!" -- especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events. BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea. GOOSE BUMP: A last-resort maneuver used when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require. Especially effective when combined with The Sniff (see above). LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. To show your love, wag your tail and gaze adoringly. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-23-2006 02:35 PM                        Rated G I had received an emergency call one evening to assist a cow that was having trouble calving. The calf was coming backward and upside down. I corrected the problem and a healthy heifer calf was delivered. "That was unusual," I told the farmer. "It's not too uncommon to have them coming backward, or upside down, but both together is unusual." "I hope I'm not in for a lot of trouble, then," he said to me. "All 12 of my cows were bred by the same bull."  |  IP: Logged

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