my profile | my password | search | faq & rules | forum home

» Film-Tech Forum ARCHIVE   » Community   » Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon   » Animals (Page 49)

This topic comprises 54 pages: 1  2  3  ...  46  47  48  49  50  51  52  53  54

Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 01:29 PM                        Rated G Jack made his way through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy - Either way, you get your dog back!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 04:05 PM                        Rated G PETS Subject: Cats & Dogs What is a Cat? 1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10.They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats......  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-06-2006 04:05 PM                        Rated G PETS Subject: Cats & Dogs What is a Cat? 1) Cats do what they want. 2) They rarely listen to you. 3) They're totally unpredictable. 4) They whine when they are not happy. 5) When you want to play, they want to be alone. 6) When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7) They expect you to cater to their every whim. 8) They're moody. 9) They leave hair everywhere. 10) They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats. What is a Dog? 1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. 2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. 3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. 4. They growl when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play, they want to play. 6. When you want to be alone, they want to play. 7. They are great at begging. 8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. 9. They leave their toys everywhere. 10.They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They're little men in fur coats......  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-03-2006 02:03 PM                        Rated G :G I was in my car one day listening to a guy on the radio help callers with their home problems. One woman called up hysterical after finding a skunk in her basement. "Leave a trail of breadcrumbs or cat food from your basement to your backyard," suggested the show's host. "That'll get rid of it." An hour later the woman called back, even more upset. "Now I have TWO skunks in my basement!"  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 10-14-2006 04:50 PM                        Rated PG.... Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Illinois mouse, killed by an 80-year-old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how much tougher they are. The Wisconsin mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Wisconsin mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." They both turn to the Texas mouse. The Texas mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him lets out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f**k the cat."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-07-2006 04:34 PM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough,there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number,and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.He's got a ladder,a baseball bat,a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. "When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. "The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2006 08:31 AM                        Rated G Lorraine As I was driving over to let my brothers's dog, Max, out, I suddenly realized I had left the key to his house at my parents' home, 25 miles away. I stopped at a phone booth and called a locksmith. He told me the conditions under which he'd do the job, one of which was to leave a note in the house that he wasn't responsible for any damages or missing property. "No problem," I said, "but I don't think the note will be necessary. The dog's a rottweiler." "In that case," he said, "we'll unlock the door, but you'll be responsible for opening it."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-15-2006 03:03 PM                        Rated G Diana I bought a dog the other day, I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay! He went insane.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-16-2006 11:10 AM                        Rated G A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?", to which the lady replied, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-11-2007 10:22 AM                        Rated G There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night ...The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent' The duck says 'Just put it on my bill' The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders' The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon' The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then' The frog says, "I've got one greenback" The vampire bat is thinking, "Which one can I stick for the drink today?" The snake says, "I guess I can't hold my liquor." Another snake says: " If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my Asp." No, the snake said, "It's hiss turn to pay." The Rhinocerous says: "Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just charge it." The amoeba said, "I've got to split now." The paramecium said, "I'll split it with him." The groundhog said, "If you let me go I shadow you a favor." The turtle said, "I shell pay next time." The chicken said, "I hope it's cheep." The elephant said, "But I've hardly trunk a drop." The dachshund said, "I've got be to getting a long now." The manx cat said, "I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short." The chicken said, "If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in hell." And the snail said, "No, you shell out the same as me"! And the trotters said "take 50 cents from two quarterhorses". The beaver said, "Dam if I'll pay". Ken said "See Barbie 'bout a doll, her". The cows said "We got plenty o' mooolah". The bumblebee said "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off The zebra said, "It's black and white--I haven't the money." They each said, "Ask some otter animal." But the lion said, "I'll pay--I've still got my pride."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-19-2007 09:55 PM                        Rated G Miss Martha A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree,” sighed the pheasant, ”but I haven't got the energy.” “Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They're packed with nutrients.” The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree. The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-25-2007 09:36 AM                        Rated G B.B. A farmer brought his daughter a pet pig, which she called Frisky whenever it was in her room and Ballpoint whenever it was in the sty. "Tell me," he asked her, "Why do you have two names for your pig?" "That's easy," she replied. Ballpoint is just his pen name.'  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-29-2007 10:07 AM                        Rated G... An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees, what powerful rivers, what beautiful animals,” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time Stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"? The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the bear a Christian"? "Very Well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-29-2007 10:58 AM                        Rated G Sandy In Coronado I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog chow and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog . . . . . . . . Duh! I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, that I was starting The Purina Diet . . again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Well, at that this gal's eyes about bugged out of her head. So, I went on and on with this bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now completely enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.) Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital. I said no . . . I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car came hit me. I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2007 07:45 PM                        Rated PG Pet Diary entries from a dog and cat Excerpts from a Dog's Daily Diary: 8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40am Walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! 11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! [b]Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary:[/v] Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant.I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move.The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.......for now.... Note from Bob: If Rachael reads this watch your cat's....  |  IP: Logged

All times are Central (GMT -6:00)

This topic comprises 54 pages: 1  2  3  ...  46  47  48  49  50  51  52  53  54

Printer-friendly view of this topic

Hop To: Select a Forum: Category: Operations -------------------- Digital Cinema Forum Film Handlers' Forum Large Format Forum Ground Level Feature Info, Trailer Attachments & REAL Credit Offsets Category: Community -------------------- Film-Yak Film Handlers' Movie Reviews The Afterlife Bob Maar's Joke-A-Thon Category: Classified -------------------- Equipment and Supplies Wanted/For Sale Help Wanted/Seeking Employment Category: System -------------------- Software Beta Testing Forum

The Film-Tech Forums are designed for various members related to the cinema industry to express their opinions, viewpoints and testimonials on various products, services and events based upon speculation, personal knowledge and factual information through use, therefore all views represented here allow no liability upon the publishers of this web site and the owners of said views assume no liability for any ill will resulting from these postings. The posts made here are for educational as well as entertainment purposes and as such anyone viewing this portion of the website must accept these views as statements of the author of that opinion and agrees to release the authors from any and all liability.