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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-11-2007 11:17 AM                        Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont. A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The blonde says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks, "Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2007 12:47 PM                        Rated G B.B. Want Ad: Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks "frog."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:22 PM                        Rated G Stroade *SPEED DEMONS* the turtles: Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. So, Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is, 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and says, 'Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.' 'I didn't bring the bottle opener,' Steve says. 'I thought you packed it.' Joe gets worried. He turns to Poncho. 'Poncho, do you have the bottle opener?' Naturally, Poncho doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. 'I NEED FOOD!' he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. 'NO!' Joe retorts. 'We promised.' Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid ,get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock, and says, 'Just for that, I'm not going.'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:29 PM                        Rated G B.B. "A wise old owl, lived in an oak, The more he saw the less he spoke! The less he spoke, the more he heard, Why can't we be like that wise old bird?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-18-2007 01:31 PM                        Rated G alanv71 A blonde was on vacation and driving through Darwin, Australia. She desperately wanted to take home a pair of genuine crocodile shoes but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the 'no haggle on prices' attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own crocodile, so I can get a pair of shoes for free'! The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, 'Little lady, just go and give it a try'! The blonde headed out toward the river, determined to catch a crocodile. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the bank where he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 10 foot croc swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy banks of the river. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the Croc onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out in frustration... "THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2007 05:06 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Why Dogs Should Be In Politics... * They work well together. * They work for the good of the pack. * They protect their young and their elders. * They do not kill indiscriminately. * They do not lie, cheat or steal. * They won't spend money redecorating the White House. * They do not read Newspapers, watch TV or give interviews. * Their don't wear designer clothes. * They don't ask you to indulge in their fantasies. * They can be NEUTERED!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2008 08:14 PM                        Rated G Miss Kitty New Years Resolutions for CATS It's a new year and like my human counterpart, I've made some resolutions. (May I be forced to roll around in catnip all day long if I stray one iota!) 1. I will remember that some of my humans possessions are NOT toys. (Oops! Caught me!) 2.I will pay attention to my owner at all times, not just before a meal. 3. I will eat whenever I am hungry, heartily and without guilt, until I am full. When finished, I will lick my chops grandly to indicate that indeed that was the finest meal I have ever tasted. 4. I will play with passion. I will rip my toys into shreds whenever possible. 5. I will lose many of them under the sofa. 6. I will also spend many hours and gain much enjoyment from the boxes they come in. 7. I will (almost) always use the litter box and not the house plants. 8. I will only scratch designated scratching posts. 9. I will avoid territorial disputes with other cats. (whenever possible) 10. I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. 11. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. 12. I will remember computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. 13. I will only reguritate food and furballs on a tiled surface. 14. I will sleep as much as possible each and every day. The importance of this cannot be overestimated. 15. I will not wake before dawn to play games that require my humans participation, and then incessantly request their presense. 16. I will forget all the above and just BE MYSELF! 17. Lastly, I vow never again to waste precious nap time making New Years resolutions. This delusional practice is better left to humans. We cats have 9 lives to live, thank you very much!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-07-2008 05:27 PM                        Rated G Phil Of The Future Bullshit and Brilliance A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says. "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" Moral of this story... Don't mess with old farts! Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience. Technology Is Dominated By Two Types Of People: 1) Those Who Understand What They Do Not Manage 2) Those Who Manage What They Do Not Understand.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2008 08:11 PM                        Rated G B.B. Mother cat with several kittens are walking in the park when a handsome Tom cat walks by and says, "Hi, Honey." Mother cat says, "Don't you 'Honey' me! You said we were only fighting!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 02:25 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Toilet Cleaning Instructions: 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids. 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where it will dry itself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:12 PM                        Rated G Miss Kitty Quiz For Cats About Humans Your human walks into the kitchen. Does this mean? a) It's hungry b) It's lost c) You're hungry d) Let the begging begin Your human puts down a bowl of food for you. Is this? a) Supper b) Something s/he obviously wouldn't eat c) Something to keep you going till supper's ready d) Inedible junk to be scorned in favor of what the humans eat Your human removes you from the top of the television. Does this mean? a) You're in trouble - better not do it again b) Nothing - humans do this from time to time c) The human wants to play, so climb up again to amuse it d) It is time to chew on the cable wire again Staircases are for: a) Getting up to the human's bed at 4am b) Lying in wait in the dark at the top of c) Walking down just slower than the human in front of it d) All of the above Your human talks/yells at you. You should: a) Listen intently, even if you don't understand b) Meow in acknowledgment and continue what you were doing c) Ignore him/her completely; you're a cat, they mean nothing d) Move on to the next annoying activity to encourage their talking behavior Phone and electrical cords and strings from fabrics are: a) Important to humans and should be left alone b) Playthings and deserve your total attention; no matter what damage may result c) Annoying and should be removed immediately Birds, small rodents and large bugs should be: a) Ignored (especially if your human wants them removed) b) Played with until they stop playing c) Presented to your human as a proud trophy d) Hidden under your human's pillow for safe keeping e) Consumed for their nutritional value A human giving you a bath should be considered: a) Under no circumstances b) Under no circumstances c) Under no circumstances d) An act of war e) All of the above Your human's value is limited to: a) Providing food b) Providing water c) Letting you out d) Providing opposite-gender feline companionship e) Leaving you alone f) All of the above; if properly trained  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2008 03:21 PM                        Rated G Lorraine DOES YOUR CAT OWN YOU? Do you select your friends based on how well your cats like them? Does your desire to collect cats intensify during times of stress? Do you buy more than 50 pounds of cat litter a month? Do you think it's cute when your cat swings on your drapes or licks your butter? Do you admit to non-cat owners how many cats you really have? Do you sleep in the same position all night because it annoys your cats when you move? Do you kiss your cat on the whiskers? Do you feed your cat tidbits from the table with your fork? Does your cat sleep on your head? Do you like it? Do you have more than four opened but rejected cans of cat food in the refrigerator? Do you watch bad TV because the cat is sleeping on the remote? Will you stand at the open door indefinitely in the freezing rain while your cat sniffs the door, deciding whether to go out or come in? Would you rather spend a night at home with your cat than go out on a bad date? Do you give your cat presents and a stocking at Christmas? Do you put off making the bed until the cat gets up?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-20-2008 05:32 AM                        Rated G Ed in Aurora, Ont. Purina Dog Food The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?..... Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.) Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2008 07:37 AM                        Rated G Quirk "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money." -Joe Weinstein  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-18-2008 08:06 AM                        Rated PG Ed in Aurora, Ont. Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, 'I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting.' So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, 'Well I'm not going to go out. He saw only two ducks out there.' Earl says, 'You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?' Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, 'I don't believe it! Where did you get that dog? There really were only two ducks out there!' Chester says, 'Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.' >So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges, and Earl brings the dog home, and tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in its mouth and starts humping Earl's leg. Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, 'This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!' The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg. The breeder says, 'Earl, he was trying to tell you that there are more f....kin' ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!'  |  IP: Logged

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