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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-03-2007 10:28 AM                        Rated G A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! The cab driver hit a parked car.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-04-2007 11:15 AM                        Rated X Real friendship On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a Bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life! The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-11-2007 07:24 AM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers 1. Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all !!! 2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk,then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand,fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back! 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur? 10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous Now lay off me on some of these things, we both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you ???  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2007 08:04 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I was working at a veterinary clinic when a teenager came in with her dog. Both were wearing brightly colored T-shirts. Hers said I am the proud owner and the dog's said that's what they all think.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-14-2007 08:06 AM                        Rated G Betsy A woman called a radio station for help after finding a skunk in her basement. "Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from your basement to your backyard," suggested the radio host. An hour later the woman called back. "Now I have two skunks in my basement," she complained.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-18-2007 03:54 PM                        Rated G B.B. If a dog were your teacher, you would learn stuff like: When loved ones come home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience. Let others know when they've invaded your territory. Take naps. Stretch before rising. Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass. On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough. Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-19-2007 09:15 AM                        Rated G A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." The owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-28-2007 09:03 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? ANSWER: To hold cows together.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-01-2007 02:03 PM                        Rated G When God created kitty cats, He had no recipe; He knew He wanted something sweet, As sweet as sweet could be. He started out with sugar, Adding just a trace of spice; Then stirred in drops of morning dew,To keep them fresh and nice. He thought cats should be soft to pet,Thus gave them coats of fur; So they could show they were content, He taught them how to purr. He made for them long tails to wave,While strutting down the walk; Then trained them in meow-ology, So they could do cat-talk. He made them into acrobats, And gave them grace and poise; Their wide-eyed curiosity, He took from little boys. He put whiskers on their faces, Gave them tiny ears for caps; Then shaped their little bodies, To snugly fit on laps. He gave them eyes as big as saucers, To look into man's soul; Then set a tolerance for mankind,As their purpose and their goal. Benevolent ... and ... Generous, He made so many of them; Then charged, with fatherly concern, The human race to love them. When one jumped up upon His lap, God gently stroked its head; The cat gave Him a kitty kiss, "What wondrous love," God said. God smiled at His accomplishment, So pleased with His creation; And said,with pride,as He sat back,"At last...I've reached purr-fection!" ~Ginny Ellis  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-04-2007 09:04 AM                        Rated G B.B. TOP TEN WAYS YOU CAN TELL MARTHA STEWART IS SECRETLY WORKING WITH YOUR DOG 10.There's potpourri hanging from the dog's collar. 9.The dog's nails have been cut with pinking shears. 8.The dog toys are all stored in crock pots and sanitized between uses. 7.The pooper scooper has been decorated with bows and raffia. 6.That telltale lemon slice in that new silver bowl of water. 5.The liver and whole wheat doggie treats, stamped out with a cookie cutter and topped with decorative icing using a #2 rosette tip. 4.The dog hair that's been shed has been collected into baskets for nesting material for the birds. 3.A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath hangs over the doggie flap in the back door. 2.Your dog goes out with nothing on and comes back in wearing a thyme-colored virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots. 1.The dog droppings in the backyard have been sculpted into swans.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 08:51 AM                        Rated G Lorraine My sister, Danielle, recognized a lady she saw at the market as her neighbor who owned the cottage across from her. She introduced herself and described where she was located. "Oh, yours is the cottage with the dog named Nobody." Danielle laughed. Sound obviously travels loud and clear across open land, especially when her dog, Buddy, is being reprimanded.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-15-2007 08:54 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Jennifer, my retired sister, was hiking when, at a turn in the trail, she came face-to-face with a grizzly. In seconds, she was high up a tree, where she stayed until some time after the bear had ambled off. "Jennifer," I said, aghast. "You're 68 years old. How in the world did you manage to climb that tree?" "Motivation!" she said.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2007 07:13 PM                        Rated G Lorraine From the time Max was a puppy, he always hated to have a bath. As he grew, it would take the whole family, strategically placed in the house, to get him into the bathroom. Once we got him to the door, he’d put all fours on the door frame, whimpering and crying. One person would have to hold him in the tub while the other washed him. One year I had to have surgery on my knee and I was on crutches for more than six months. That was a long time for Max to go without a bath. He was lying beside me one afternoon when the kids were in school, and I looked at him and said, "You know, Max, you just have to have a bath." He immediately got up and walked down the hallway to the bathroom. I followed. And there he was...in the tub.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-25-2007 04:52 PM                        Rated G Lorraine "Nice dog. What's its name?" I asked my friend's 8-year-old son. "Bob," he said. "And your cat?" "Bob." "How do you keep them straight?" "Well, one is Bob Cat and the other is Bob Barker," the boy answered. "Tell him your rabbit's name," his father suggested. The kid smiled and said, "Dennis Hopper."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 05-09-2007 08:49 AM                        Rated G A frog telephones The Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful girl who will know everything about you". The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party or what?" "No," says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class."  |  IP: Logged

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