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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2002 01:35 PM                        Rated G Two Bee's Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really badly," said the second bee. "The weather has been wet and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." "No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and then turn left and keep on until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit.' "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, as he flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked "How'd it go?" "Fine," said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2002 02:09 PM                        Rated PG My wife had been trying to teach our big dog, Oscar, not to eat the food she put out for our cat, Sammy and our little dog, Ling. Oscar would wolf down his food and then proceed to finish off the meals of the slower eaters. She will not punish them, she uses praise and reward methods, which eventually work, but not fast enough to suit me. I insisted on taking over and whenever Oscar went for the food of the others, I simply swatted and scolded him and soon the problem was solved. At least that one was. One evening, when she fed them, she watched, while both Sammy and Ling rushed to Oscar's dish and started eating while he sat and whimpered, not daring to stop them. I guess I over trained him, my wife made me feel like a dog for what she calls "pet abuse".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2002 12:11 PM                        Rated G A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows." The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' " "Heard what?" "Herd of cows." "Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2002 10:31 AM                        Rated R Marilyn had a parrot for a pet, but the parrot would embarrass her whenever she came into the apartment with aman. He would shout all kinds of obscenities, always leading off with, "Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" In desperation, Marilyn went to her local pet shop and explained her parrot problem to the pet shop proprietor. "What you need," he said, "is a female parrot, too. I don't have one on hand, but I'll order one. Meanwhile, you could borrow this female owl until the female parrot arrives." Marilyn took the owl home and put it near her parrot. It was immediately obvious that the parrot didn't care for the owl. He glared at it. That night, Marilyn wasn't her usual nervous self as she opened the door to bring her gentlemen friend in for a nightcap. Suddenly, she heard the parrot screech, and she knew that things hadn't changed. "Somebody's gonna get it tonight! Somebody's gonna get it tonight!" the parrot said. The owl said, "Whoo? Whoo?" And the parrot said, "Not you, you big-eyed bitch!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-12-2002 06:42 PM                        Rated G Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble? Its true....Comet cleans sinks!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-23-2002 06:18 PM                        Rated R ......................Frank There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm. The zebra was so excited to see this huge space with green grass and hills and trees and all these strange animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited, "Hi! I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a cow," said the cow. "Right, right, what do you do?" "I make milk for the farmer." "Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it. "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I'm a chicken," said the chicken. "Oh, right, what do you do?" "I make eggs for the farmer." "Right, great, see ya round." Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra. What are you?" "I am a Stallion," said the stallion. "Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?" "Take off your pyjamas, darling, and I'll show you."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-24-2002 01:02 PM                        Rated G A farmer is milking his cow and as he is milking, a fly comes along and flies into the cow's ear. A little bit later, the farmer notices the fly in the milk. The farmer says, "Hmph, In one ear and out the udder."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-26-2002 08:54 AM                        Rated G CAT'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator.My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button. I will not speed dial the overseas numbers. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaierp  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-27-2002 10:51 AM                        Rated G If Cats Wore T-shirts "Cats are purrfect!" "Purrfection cannot be improved." "If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat." "Menopaws... This is the hottest I've been in years." "Take my advice. I'm not using it." "I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?" "Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know." "Dogs have owners. Cats have staff." "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this." "Paws for thought" "Tails I win" "Eyes looking at you" "Furever yours" "Fangs for the memory" "Just nose-ing around" "Big Boy" (this would suit an unneutered Tom). "You think you've got problems..." (for a pregnant cat) "VIP (Very Important Pussycat)" "Wild Thing" (showing a cat with an empty food bowl thinking "Wild? I'm livid!") "Born to be Wild." "A little bit of what you fancy does you good." "I'm not lazy... I'm thinking." "I thought middle aged spread was something to eat." (showing a fat cat) "Every day in every way I get better and better" (cat thinks "More like fatter and bitter"). "I thought WWW was Wee Willie Winkie" (featuring cat in nightgown). "I'm not fat... I'm generously proportioned." "Cats Rule. Dogs Drool."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 09:56 PM                        Rated G Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids 10. Dogs don't like Barney. 9. Never borrows the car and wrecks it. 8. Doesn't notice if your clothes are dorky and your hairstyle is from the 50's 7. Won't grow up to blame you for sending them into years of therapy 6. Won't tie up the phone for hours 5. Cute little puppies grow up to be dogs. Cute little babies grow up to be teenagers. 4. You can give them dippy names. 3. They never criticize your cooking. 2. Nothing you do can gross them out. 1. You can bury a dog in the backyard,no questions asked.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-04-2003 10:03 PM                        Rated G An expert on whales was telling friends about some of the unusual findings he had made. "For instance," he said, "some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles." "What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?" asked a sarcastic member of the group. "I'm not absolutely sure," answered the expert, "but it sounds something like 'Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww!?!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-05-2003 10:24 AM                        Rated PG "The Cat" A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers."Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put the cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2003 12:08 PM                        Rated G Sue Bee Jimmy: Mike!How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.' Mike: 'To tell the truth,I'm really disappointed in him.The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.' Jimmy:'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?' Mike:'Well,yeah.After all,you know,he's a parrot fish.' Jimmy: 'Now listen,Mike,while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing,you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.' Mike:'That's what you think!It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is,he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy.Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 04:52 PM                        Rated G Woof Woof Woof Woof... An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2003 05:33 PM                        Rated G Animal Thoughts Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!" Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!" Cat "Why are these people in my house?" Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge." Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!" Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs." Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it." Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it." Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..." Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring." Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these fucking annoying wood chips. Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my shit! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..." Gerbil "OH NO, not again!" Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop." Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again." Bunny "I wonder if she will notice I shit in her pillow case?"  |  IP: Logged

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