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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-04-2005 05:33 PM                        Rated G Saul visits Abe and sees a dog in the house. "So what kind of dog is this?" asks Saul. "It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Abe. "Watch this," continues Abe as he points to the dog. "Irving, Fetch!" Irving walks slowly to the door, then turns around and says, "So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm nothing. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis...You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet...It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself!... And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much!" Sol, amazed, tells Abe how remarkable this is, to which Abe answers, "I don't know, I think this dog has a hearing problem. I said fetch, and he thought I said kvetch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-08-2005 12:34 PM                        Rated G Gerry I got a dog, a cocker spaniel. He swallowed a Viagra pill. Now he's a pointer.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-25-2005 04:44 PM                        Rated G Tammy and Doug were playing with their new puppy, and Doug commented that it was strange that an unrelated species would come into their home, love us, play with us, work for us, and we would give them food and love in return. Without hesitation, Tammy looked at him and said, "I feel the same way about men."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-26-2005 07:38 AM                        Rated G MEGAN: How do you like riding school? JULIE: It's great! My horse is very polite. MEGAN: A polite horse! What do you mean? JULIE: Whenever we come to a jump, he lets me go first!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2005 12:54 PM                        Rated G A farmer in Kentucky, concerned that his horse had not had a bowel movement for three days, consulted the veterinarian who gave him a very large suppository. The vet instructed the farmer to insert the suppository into the animal's rectum. The farmer returned home, went to the barn and systematically walked around the horse several times looking for the designated port of entry. Finally, unable to locate its' rectum, the farmer exclaimed, "Listen horse, if I don't find your rectum pretty soon,I am going to stick this thing up your ass!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 06-30-2005 12:56 PM                        Rated G Lorraine A veterinarian who works in the same building as I do told me about a young man who had stopped by his clinic earlier that day. "Doctor," the man said, "I've got a problem. My buddy gave me a rottweiler as a present." The man paused. "Yes," my friend prompted, "but that wouldn't seem to me to be much of a problem." "You wouldn't say that," the man said, "if it was you who couldn't get back into his own house!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-03-2005 07:15 PM                        Rated X What do you call a turtle with a hard on? A slow poke.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-05-2005 04:56 PM                        Rated G "Oh no, I hope I'm not poisonus," said the first snake. "Why?" said the second. "Because I just bit my lip."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-10-2005 04:53 PM                        Rated G Snady in Coronado, Ca Two bees met in a field. One said to the other, "How are things going?" "Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been cold, wet, and damp, and there aren't any flowers, so I can't make honey." No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit." "Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and flew away. A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?" "Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be. There was plenty of fruit and, oh, such huge floral arrangements on every table." "Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. "That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-11-2005 07:19 PM                        Rated G Animal Behavior "They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona." ~~Bob Hope  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 09:21 AM                        Rated G "The Cat" A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. Hours later,the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers."Why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answers: "Put the cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-17-2005 12:44 PM                        Rated G A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool. He looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?" "Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that he choked on it, sir."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2005 01:53 PM                        Rated R How do you know when you're really ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-22-2005 02:06 PM                        Rated R What's the difference between a hog and a man? - A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just so he can sleep with some pig.  |  IP: Logged Dieter Depypere Master Film Handler Posts: 343 From: Deutsch-Wagram, Lower Austria, Austria Registered: May 2005 posted 08-24-2005 03:10 PM                     Rated PG A mother visits the zoo with her two little children. They look at some animals like elephants, lions, giraffes, etc. After some time they pass the apes. Unfortunately the apes were just busy with the "production" of little apes (you know what I mean). The mother gets embarrassed and calls a staff member. "Hey you, please tell the apes to stop doing that. My kids ought not watch that!" - "Ma'am, there is nothing I could do - how should I make 'em stop?" - "Well tear them apart or something, but do something! Give them a cookie!" - "Well ma'am, you won't stop for a cookie would 'ya?..."  |  IP: Logged

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