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Author
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Topic: Animals
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Gordon Bachlund
Jedi Master Film Handler
Posts: 696
From: Monrovia, CA, USA
Registered: Aug 1999
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posted 02-18-2005 12:04 PM
Rated PG
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., Get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.
"But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its nose"
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-07-2005 09:40 AM
Rated XXX ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
The Horth Whithperer
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"? The rancher is gettin'
pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing."Perhapth I should rephrase that;Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"? ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-21-2005 09:48 AM
Rated R ![[Smile]](smile.gif) Hank in Simi Valley
A small Arkansas Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination,the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in season.To make matters worse,there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem,the park administrator thought of Ted Stanton, a redneck part-time worker,who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.
Ted,like most rednecks,had little sense,but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The administrator thought they might have a solution.Ted was approached with a proposition.Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?
Ted showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day,Ted announced that he would accept their offer,but only under the following four conditions:
1. "First," Ted said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."
The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Second," Ted said, "you must never tell anyone about this".
The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Third," Ted said, "I want all the offspring to be raised Southern Baptist."
Once again, the administrator agreed.
4. "And last of all," Ted stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
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Paul Mayer
Oh get out of it Melvin, before it pulls you under!
Posts: 3836
From: Albuquerque, NM
Registered: Feb 2000
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posted 03-22-2005 12:32 PM
Rated G Dave Huskinson
The Psychic Dog
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
- The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground rod via a steel chain and collar.
- The ground rod was somewhat loose and corroded.
- The dog was getting zapped by 90V of ring signal when the phone number was called.
- After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
- The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 03-31-2005 01:38 PM
Rated G
A pair of chickens walks up to the circulation desk at a public library and say, 'Buk Buk BuKKOOK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three books, and gives them to them...the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what they request, and decides to follow them.
She followed them out of the library, out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit!"
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-20-2005 03:17 PM
Rated G
Two of my friends, Lenny and Jason, were discussing the amazing advances in automotive technology.
"You know," said Jason, "cars are almost entirely run by computer. Pretty soon, more electric cars will be on the market. Before long, for heaven's sake, they'll probably come up with a biological car."
"We already have a biological car, Jason," said Lenny. "It's called a horse."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 04-21-2005 01:50 PM
Rated PG
There was an elephant a snake and a gorilla in the jungle, the snake said, "Shall we have a game of snooker?" The elephant replied "How can we play snooker when we haven't got a table."
So the snake said, "We can pretend, instead of hitting the ball, we'll each do a trick, whoever does the best trick will get the most points."
The gorilla said "OK I'll go first, I'll climb up that tree swing around that branch 3 times do a double somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth the black ball and that's 7 points."
The elephant said "No it's not worth 7 points because your good at climbing trees, we'll give you the blue and that's worth 5 points."
The gorilla said, "OK" and off he went up the tree, he swung round the branch 3 times did a double somersault and landed on his feet.
The elephant said "I'll climb up the tree swing around the branch twice do a single somersault and land on my feet, that's got to be worth 7 points because I can't climb trees very well."
So the snake and the gorillas said, "OK if you can do that we'll give you 7 points."
The elephant went up the tree swung round the branch twice did the somersault and landed on his feet with an almighty bang.
The snake said, "That was brilliant," "So what are you going to do snake" the gorilla asked.
"Well, I'll go up the elephants bum through his intestine and out of his trunk, that's got to be worth 7 points" said the snake.
The gorilla said, "If you can do that we'll give you 7 points." so off went the snake up the elephants bum.
The gorilla got hold of the elephants trunk and stuck it up his bum and said "That's got him Snookered!!".
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