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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-27-2004 06:58 AM                        Rated G B.B. SKUNKY HUMOR Why can't skunks keep secrets? Because someone is always getting wind of them. What do you get when you cross an owl with a skunk? A bird that smells but doesn't give a hoot. What did one skunk say to the other skunk when they were cornered? "Let us spray." What's a skunk's philosophy of life? Eat, stink and be merry! What do you get if you cross a skunk and a horse? Whinny The Pooh What do you get if you cross a skunk and a balloon? A creature that stinks to high heaven. What do you get if you cross a skunk and a boomerang? A smell that keeps coming back.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:55 AM                        Rated G Michele Dogs vs. Kids It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter. Dogs cannot lie. Dogs never resist nap time. You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog. Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid. Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes. Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42... Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000... Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old. Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public. If your dog is a bad seed, your genes cannot be blamed.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:57 AM                        Rated G A man went into a pet store and asked the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?" The salesman said, "No, just birds."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-30-2004 10:59 AM                        Rated Lorraine A turtle is mugged by three snails. When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-05-2004 02:57 PM                        Rated G What's the difference between a horse's tail and a man's tie? . . . . . . . . . . The horse's tail covers up the entire asshole.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-12-2004 08:59 AM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one... A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away."Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cabdriver hit a parked car..............  |  IP: Logged Leo Enticknap Film God Posts: 7474 From: Loma Linda, CA Registered: Jul 2000 posted 02-27-2004 03:14 PM                        Certificate U - no nasty stuff. A woman walks into a vet's surgery and places her pet duck on the examination table. The vet takes one look at it and observes, 'this duck is dead.' 'Are you sure?', replies its owner. At this moment a large black Labrador, which had been in the waiting room, walked in, sniffed at the duck and said 'yup, it's dead alright.' Then a long-haired Siamese kitty strolled in, jumped up onto the table and looked at the corpse. 'Mieow! It's dead alright,' she said. 'That'll be £50 then, please,' said the vet. 'What? You want £50 just for telling me that my duck's dead?,' the woman riposted. The vet replied: 'It would only have been £10 if you'd taken my word for it. But you did insist on having a lab test and a cat scan.' [ 02-27-2004, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: Leo Enticknap ]  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-02-2004 09:42 AM                        Rated PG LAS in CT. Top 10 peeves dog have with humans! 1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny...not very funny at all! 2. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT! 3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? 4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it! 5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!What a proud moment for the top of the food chain. 7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth,you're just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?  |  IP: Logged Michael Brown Phenomenal Film Handler Posts: 1522 From: Bradford, England Registered: May 2001 posted 03-02-2004 08:06 PM                     Two fish are in a tank. The first fish turns to the other and says "Do you have any idea how to drive this thing?"  |  IP: Logged Leo Enticknap Film God Posts: 7474 From: Loma Linda, CA Registered: Jul 2000 posted 03-04-2004 02:21 AM                        Rated R - in very poor taste. Non-UK readers: you'll probably need to read this story in order to get the joke. Two basking sharks were swimming around somewhere off the south-west coast of England. 'I'm sick and tired of eating shrimps and tuna all the time', complained one. 'No problem', replied the other, 'why don't we swim up to Morecambe and have a Chinese takeaway?'  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-09-2004 11:14 AM                        Rated G The cowboy walked into the tack shop."How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk. "Forty dollars." The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty."I'll take one spur." "What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked. The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2004 09:28 AM                        Rated G WHAT YOU PET MAY BE THINKING... Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl." Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over.............. Oh boy! Fish flakes!" Dog: "Man,why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!" Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling,for I am lord and master!" Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? NO!" Cat: "Why are these people in my house?" Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!" Cat: "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs." Dog: "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it." Cat: "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it." Dog: "Why is the baby eating my food..." Hamster: "Kill me, this wheel is boring." Iguana: "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cagewith my food bowl,my water and these annoying wood chips. Dog: "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop." Cat: "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all foursoff the balcony' test again."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-18-2004 09:42 AM                        Rated G The Top 5 Personal Ads Placed by Animals 5. Bear: Single brown professional bear seeks female bear for companionship. Must share passion to keep fires out of the forest -- and *in* the bedroom. No smokers. 4. Mouse: Looking for a stable, stay-at-nest kinda guy. I don't give a rat's ass about looks. 3. Squirrel: Wild and crazy guy seeks soul mate for outdoor frolicking, al fresco dining and terrorizing blue-haired park interlopers. 2. Sloth: Looking for someone willing to take things slowly. and the number 1 Personal Ad Placed by an Animal... 1. Dog: Who's a pretty girl? Who's a pretty girl?!? Is it you? *Is* it? Leave your reply on the oak outside 1432 Crestwood.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-21-2004 09:52 AM                        Rated R Denny in Yonkers A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking older man in his mid-sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history.Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair,the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there,she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles.He continues to lick her calves,kisses them,licks and kisses her privates for several minutes and rests his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the older man and asks,"Can you top that?" The older man replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2004 09:48 AM                        Rated G Lorraine The animal-control center in my friend's town decided to conduct a dog census.A census taker called at my friend's home and,upon learning that she did indeed have a dog,asked what kind. "A brown dog," she replied. "No, no. I mean what breed?" "Well, I don't know. She's just a brown dog." " Perhaps if I could see her," the man said, "I might be able to tell." My friend brought out the dog and waited patiently while the man studied her pet. In the end,he noted on his form: "One brown dog."  |  IP: Logged

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