A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said,"Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he
knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

Top 15 Pet Peeves Dogs Have About Humans

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly goodleg humping.

2. Blaming your farts on me - not funny.

3. Yelling at me for barking - I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!!

4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that you toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me checkstuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose -stop it!

7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet!

9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth; you're jealous.

10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur?

11. Any haircut that involves bows and ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.

12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.

14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.1

Playing ChessA man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog.

He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

A wife says to her husband one weekend morning, "We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning."

Her husband replied, "Well, lots of dogs can do that."

In the lake there is a fish, above the fish there is a fly buzzing around about 4 inches above the water.

The fish is thinking, "If the fly drops 3 inches, I am going to have lunch".

On the shore there is a bear and he is thinking, "If that fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, I am going to have lunch".

Behind the bear in the trees is a hunter eating a cheese sandwich thinking, "If that fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs out I am going to have some good
lunches"!

Below the hunter is a mouse thinking, "If that fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs out, the hunter will drop his cheese sandwich and run, I will
have lunch!"

Well, behind the mouse is a cat and the cat is thinking, "If the fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs after the fish, the hunter drops his cheese sandwich and runs, that mouse will come out to eat and I will have the mouse for lunch"!

What do you know, it happens. The fly drops 3 inches, the fish jumps up, the bear runs out after the fish, the hunter drops his cheese sandwich to shoot the bear, the
mouse comes out after the cheese sandwich, and the cat goes to get the mouse but stumbled and falls into the river.

The moral of the story?

A little field mouse was scampering across a field when all at once an eagle swooped down and swallowed him whole. After a while the little mouse was able to work his way through the eagle's body and poke his head out of the eagle's rectum. The eagle was still flying
around, looking for more food to eat.

The little mouse said, "We're pretty high up, aren't we?"

"Yep. Pretty high", the eagle agreed.

"About how high would you say we are?", asked the mouse.

"Oh.....I'd say about 10,000 feet".

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Child: "Moo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Child: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

A man goes into a pet store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any dogs that go cheap?"

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.

So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?

I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Duress.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.

Then I can afford an airplane. Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.

Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,

Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers, called pullets, and eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilize the eggs.

Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot, and was replaced. That took an awful lot of time, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Zeb's favourite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too, only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate.

Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair.

Brewster was an overnight sensation!!

The judges not only awarded him...

THE NO BELL PIECE PRIZE, but also...

THE PULLET SURPRISE!!!

My aunt's neighbor in New York had a beautiful black cat, Felix, who spent his days outside and came indoors at night. One cool October evening, he disappeared.

The neighbor searched for him in vain for several days. The following spring, however, Feliz reappeared, looking healthy and clean. She figured he's been out sowing his wild oats.

Everything was back to normal until that autumn, when Felix disappeared again.

The next spring, he returned. Perplexed, my aunt's friend began asking neighbors for clues. Finally, she rang the bell of an older couple who lived down the street.

"A black cat?" the woman said. "Oh, yes! My husband and I hated to see him out in the cold, so we bought a cat carrier. We take him to Florida with us every winter."

When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease

Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.

Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.

Your cow refuses to let you milk her, saying: "Not on the first date."

You catch your cow hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago.

Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Arches Logo'.

Your cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson.

Your cow appears on Oprah and Jerry Springer, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.

Your cow is wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.

There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?", the tourist asked. The old man replied, "Nope."

So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was
flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thoughtyou said your dog didn't bite!"

There are two monkeys and one woman on a research aboard the Space Shuttle. There's a call from HQ, for the first monkey to come to the TV monitor. The monkey is instructed to check the pressure in the main compartment, increase the oxygen mixture by 10% and decrease the temperature in engine four by 4.8 degrees. The monkey goes off and performs all the tasks as asked.

HQ calls again, this time for the second monkey, who is told to increase the carbon dioxide levels, check the solar radiation unit, and increase the output of the fuel injection system by 12.4%. Off goes the second monkey and does all his jobs.

Later on, HQ calls again and asks for the woman. She comes to the monitor, and just before HQ could issue her instructions she interrupts, "Yes, yes, I know. Feed themonkeys and don't touch anything."

Mighty Mouse

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse orders a scotch, gulps it down and slams the glass on the bar. He turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it 20 times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders two shots of bourbon, slams them down and nearly breaks the glasses on the bar. He turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well, when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."