Short Changed Horse

Horse walks into a bar, orders a beer, props his hoofs on the bar, and lights a cigarette.

The bartender is a bit shocked by all this, but pours the beer, and brings it over to the horse, who proffers a ten dollar bill for it.

Now the barman figures the horse isn't that bright, so he decides to pull the old 'shortchange' trick on him.

He duly goes back to the horse with one dollar. The horse doesn't say a word.

The horse eventually finishes his beer and motions to the bartender for another.

The bartender says to him, "Y'know, we don't get many horses in here."

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he'sexpensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker."

"' Two city swingers were walking in the country when one of them spotted a bug walking across the road.

"What kind of bug is that?" he asked his companion.

The companion leaned over and looked at the bug. "It's a Lady bug."

The first man looked at the bug again, then at his friend, and said: "Man, you sure got good eyes."

A farmer was in his field helping a cow give birth, when he saw his five year old son wide eyed and taking in the whole event.

Great! The farmer thought. He's five years old and I'm gonna have to explain the birds and the bees.

I best not jump the gun. I'll let him ask and THEN I'll explain.When he was finished, the farmer walked over to his son and said, "Well son, have any questions?"

"MONKEY'S VIEWPOINT"

An old man had a dog he just loved, but the dog had the bad habit of attacking anything that moved... including people.

His friends told him that if he had the dog fixed he would lose his aggressions and quit this behavior.

So the old man had his dog fixed, and a few days later he was in his front room when the mailman came up the steps.

The dog jumped up and went right through the screen door and attacked the mailman. The old man ran out, pulled his dog off and began appologizing to the mailman.

He said, "I am SO sorry, I don't know what to do or say! My friends told me that he would quit attacking people if I had him fixed. I just don't know what to do!"

There was a man who owned a giant gorilla and he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to take a trip, so he left his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor.

He explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever to touch its fur.

So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur? Nothing seems to be wrong with it."

Every day he came in and sized up the gorilla for a little while longer as he still couldn't understand. About a week later, he'd worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.

He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur

Suddenly the gorilla went "ape" and started to violently jump around. Then it turned and began to running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into a sports car, and drove off.

In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in another sports car, driving right behind him and motioning for him to pull over. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped.

He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden, and up an apple tree. He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest.

The man jumped down and ran back into the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla.

One day a door to door salesman knocked on the door of a house and a little kid answered. The man asked him if he could see his mother, but the boy said she was busy.

The guy really needed a sale so he told the boy he would give him a dollar if he let him see his mother.

The boy agreed and led the man through the house to the back yard.

The man could not believe what he saw, the mother was having sex with a goat!

Rated PG

ORIGINAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food orshelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying in supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs
and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well-fed while others are cold
and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America
is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group
kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share."

Finally, the EEOC drafts the "Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act," retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a
proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of Federal judges that
Bill had appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow.

A man was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in.

The neighbor kept talking about chickens being great creatures, and as such they had the right to go where they wanted.

The man was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flower beds, and he had tried everything.

Two weeks later, on a visit a friend noticed his flower beds were doing great.

The flowers were beginning to bloom.So the friend asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. "How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?"

Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.

To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

Under a tree a lion tries to sleep, when he hears strange laughing. He rises and strolls to the bushes where the laughter seems to come from.Behind the bush a group of elephant bulls is sitting in a circle and they are laughing their heads off.Lion:

"Hey elephants, why are you laughing?"

Elephant: "We're f*cking some monkeys"

Lion: "Well, I do that too, but I don't see what's so funny about it."

Daisy, the beautiful, shiney, brown cow is out in the pasture feeding when Brutus the bull comes out on the other side of the barbed wire fence, dividing them.

They look up at one another and love blooms.

Stars are in Daisy's eyes and Brutus starts snorting.

Brutus scratches the ground and realizes he must hurl over the barbed wire in order to make love to her.He backs up and makes a bee line for the fence but when he gets there and leaps he unfortunately finds himself hung up on the barbed wire, right by the gnoshes.

Poor Daisy is disappointed, and a sad look comes over her face.

Two guys are walking down a street aimlessly. To their left, leaned up against the curb, is a dog licking his private parts.

The first guy says, "Boy, I wish I could do that".

Dear Pet Owner,

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,