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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 09:00 AM                        Rated G tattooedfox A flea and a fly in a flue, were imprisioned, so what could they do. Said the fly, "let us flee." Said the flea, "let us fly." So flew threw a flaw in the flue.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2003 12:07 PM                        Rated G Upon entering a small country store,a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager,"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" "Yep, that's him," he replied. The amused stranger inquired,"That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.Why in the world would you post that sign?" The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-08-2003 07:59 AM                        Rated G An elephant was drinking out of a river one day,when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log.So,he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. "What did you do that for?" Asked a passing giraffe. "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago." "Wow, what a memory" commented the giraffe. "Yes," said the elephant, "turtle recall".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 07:44 AM                        Rated G Lorraine I have lived in my neighborhood for twenty years. It seems to me that I've spent at least ten of those years looking for a lost pet, either mine or one I'd seen listed in the newspaper's lost pet column. Recently, I was at it again, going door-to-door looking for one of my own lost kitties, a little black cat named Nicholas who'd slipped out the door before I could stop him. I made my rounds, visiting with all the neighbors, describing Nicholas. Familiar with this routine, everyone promised to keep an eye out and call me if they spotted him. Two blocks from my house I noticed a gentleman raking leaves in the yard of a home that had recently been sold. I introduced myself and presented my new neighbor with the plight of the missing Nicholas, asking if he had seen him. "No," he replied, "I've not seen a little black kitty around here." He thought for a moment, looked at me and said, "But I know who you should ask. Several of my neighbors have told me that there's a woman in the neighborhood that's crazy about cats. They say she knows every cat around here, probably has dozens herself. They call her `The Cat Lady.' Be sure and check with her." "Oh, thank you," I said eagerly. "Do you know where she lives?" He pointed a finger down the street, "It's that one." I followed his finger and started to laugh. He was pointing at my house!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 08:37 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A CAT'S TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS 10. Up on the Mousetop 9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas 8. Joy to the Curled 7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus 6. The First Meow 5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful 4. Silent Mice 3. Fluffy, the Snowman 2. Jingle Balls 1. Wreck the Halls!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-09-2003 09:40 PM                        Rated G B.B. Dog's Rules For Christmas 1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans. 2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours. 3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers. 4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don't pee on the tree - Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smellinteresting or that have your name on them,don't rip them open - Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree 5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don't eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach unless you can get away with it... 6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 07:23 AM                        Rated G Michele My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.... That's almost $7.00 in dog money.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-10-2003 08:29 AM                        Rated G Michele A slug in the forest had spent all day gathering berries and was making his way home when he was mugged by a gang of snails.They knocked him down,knocked him out and made off with all his berries. A while later, he was found and aided by a very concerned monkey who asked him what had happened. The monkey told him he should go to the police, that if he gave them a good description of the culprits the chances were good that the thugs would be caught and punished. Unfortunately, the slug revealed, "I'm afraid I never saw them; it all happened so fast."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-20-2003 10:12 PM                        Rated G Michele The horse and the mule live thirty years, And nothing know of wines and beers. The goats and sheep at twenty die, With never a taste of scotch or rye. The cow drinks water by the ton, And at eighteen is mostly done. The dog at sixteen cashes in, Without the aid of rum or gin. The cat in milk and water soaks, And then in twelve short years it croaks. The sober, modest, bone-dry hen, Lays eggs for nogs, then dies at ten. The animals are strictly dry, They sinless live and swiftly die. While sinful, ginful, rum-soaked men, Survive for three score years and ten. And some of us, though mighty few, Stay pickled till we're ninety-two. **I'm sold. I'm gonna start drinking more.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-06-2004 08:48 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee A man is playing the piano softly one night in a downtown bar. In walks an elephant (told you it was silly) who goes over to the pianist, and suddenly the elephant starts to cry. "There, there", says the pianist "Do you recognise the song?" "No, no," says the elephant " I recognise the white keys."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-10-2004 05:42 AM                        Rated G Diane in Reno How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? 1. Golden Retriever:The sun is shining,the day is young,we've got our whole lives ahead of us,and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one.And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please! 7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark,check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation. 8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture. 9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry,but I don't see a light bulb? 10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. 11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. 12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there ... 13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? 14. Australian Shepherd: First,I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ... 15. Poodle:I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it.By the time he finishes rewiring the house,my nails will be dry. The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs.People change lightbulbs.So,the real question is: How long will it be before I can expectsome light,some dinner,and a massage?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2004 05:25 PM                        Rated G Michele A family owned a tomcat,of whom it was normally quite fond. Quiteoften,however,the cat would get out at night and go around theneighborhood howling and screeching and meowing so loudly that people would complain. The family took the tomcat to a veterinarian,and had him fixed. A few nights later, though,the cat was out again, and this time he was making even more noise than usual.Not only that, but a lot of other cats were howling and yelling,too.The father of the house went out to see what was going on. He caught the cat's attention and asked,"What are you doing? You're supposed to be over all this." "Oh," replied the cat, "He who can, DOES; he who cannot, TEACHES."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-12-2004 05:25 PM                        Rated G Michele A family owned a tomcat,of whom it was normally quite fond. Quiteoften,however,the cat would get out at night and go around theneighborhood howling and screeching and meowing so loudly that people would complain. The family took the tomcat to a veterinarian,and had him fixed. A few nights later, though,the cat was out again, and this time he was making even more noise than usual.Not only that, but a lot of other cats were howling and yelling,too.The father of the house went out to see what was going on. He caught the cat's attention and asked,"What are you doing? You're supposed to be over all this." "Oh," replied the cat, "He who can, DOES; he who cannot, TEACHES."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-13-2004 02:07 PM                        Rated G CAT'S COMPUTER DICTIONARY: BROWSER: What I like to be at 3:00 am when I rearrange all your books on your desk. Where's a kitty supposed to lay down with all that mess? WALLPAPER: My favorite stuff, mostly in the kitchen and bathroom, I use to exercise my claws on. DEFRAG: Coughing up hairballs. Hey, it's just a little maintenance! HYPERLINK: Fake hot dog filled with my favorite pick-me-up: cat-nip. SERVER: My human subject. You can't call them waitress, or waiter, or slave anymore; it's not politically correct. SHUT DOWN: Nap time - my favorite 16 hours of the day. LAPTOP: Little ol' me. Certainly cuter, more useful, valuable, and entertaining. and no batteries are required. DEFAULT: Blame. If something gets broken around the house, don't look at me! It's probably that human I have to share my house with, or the dog's fault! WINDOW: The best place to watch birds, squirrels, and that weird dog next door eat out of the trash can and chase cars. HOME PAGE: My papers - newspapers, that is, that I used before graduating to the real kitty litter box. I think they were the "Wanted: DOG" ads.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-14-2004 11:07 AM                        Rated PG Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items,which,if they are especially urgent,are often continued in the next yard. --Dave Barry  |  IP: Logged

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