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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2004 09:57 AM                        Rated G Lorraine A man calls a pet shop: "Have you any speaking parrots?" "No, but we have a woodpecker.It knows Morse Code."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2004 10:01 AM                        Rated G Lorraine After a caller told the Battle Creek, Mich., Humane Society about two ducks trapped by the ice on a pond, shelter-manager Mike Pearson rushed right over. He inched his way out a considerable distance and, as onlookers stood by, made his way back to safety with the ducks. Both of the wooden decoys were expected to survive.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2004 10:02 AM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Do you know what you get when you cross a German shepherd dog with a giraffe? ANSWER: A watchdog for the eighth floor.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-16-2004 10:04 AM                        [b]Rated PG Lorraine Naturalist Andrew Simmons was once driving along a highway and spotted a freshly run-over woodchuck.Thinking that his owl or eagle would regard the carcass as a succulent treat,he pulled over,got out of his pickup truck and began pushing the deceased woodchuck into a paper bag. Then a car pulled up beside him.Recalls Simmons,"A matron with sympathetic eyes reached out and stuffed a ten-dollar bill in my pocket. 'Here,' she said, 'go get yourself a decent meal.' "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 07-18-2004 10:42 AM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog had recently died. "You know," Mom said, "it's not your fault that the dog died. He's probably up in heaven right now,having a grand old time with God." Susie, still crying, said, "What would God want with a dead dog?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 08-24-2004 11:22 AM                        Rated G My neighbor was bit by a rabid dog. I went to see him and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper... I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said, "Will, What Will? I'm making a list of people I want to bite! "  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-01-2004 11:29 PM                        Rated G Years ago, I worked briefly for a dog breeder. She was a real bitch a big husky gal who wouldn't take Shi-tzu's from anybody. She was constantly hounding me about putting out the chow too early saying it would rottweiler dogs were out exercising. I really wanted to boxer ears and maybe even make the Doberman pinscher, but instead I tried to setter down and give her some pointers about dealing with people. Well, when I tried to do this, she got really mad and spitz in my face. After that I decided to walk out, leaving her and her son Kenny to run the business. Maybe Kennel have better luck with her!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2004 09:02 AM                        Rated G Michele A cat was running wildly down alleys, up fire escapes, down cellars and what-not. A neighbor knew whose cat it was and reported it. "Your cat is running around like mad." "I know," answered the owner, "He's just been sterilized and he is cancelling engagements."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-13-2004 09:16 AM                        Rated G A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I told him to bring the animal over. When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion. At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?" "Oh my gosh, is it contagious?" the man gasped. "No," the doctor answered, "It's bubble gum."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2004 11:50 AM                        Rated G A skunk family was cornered by a pack of wolves. The mama skunk said to her babies, "Let us spray."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 01:01 PM                        Rated G Michele My aunt owns a large, green and red, very talkative parrot. Each evening at sunset he becomes more and more vocal, screaming and swearing. When the din can be tolerated no longer, a large cloth is draped over the cage. The silence that follows is immediate and complete. This disciplinary measure, however, is short-lived. The hearts of the family never fail to melt, when, some ten minutes later, the cloth begins to tremble ever so slightly and a small pleading voice is heard calling repeatedly, "Help me, help me, help me."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-05-2004 01:19 PM                        Rated G REASONS YOUR PET WOULD MAKE A GOOD LAWYER Your dog already has a lot of practice yapping continuously for hours. Ferrets are already members of the weasel family. She may look like a cocker spaniel, but during cross-examination she becomes a real pit bull. If you're willing to drink from a toilet, you'll do whatever it takes to win a case. Objections impossible to overrule when using "puppy dog eyes." Despite mountains of implicating evidence, the cat still has that "what are you getting at?" look.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-06-2004 07:43 PM                        Rated G Cat Jokes for Rachel...... What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? - A duck filled fatty puss! What did the cat do when he swallowed some cheese? - He waited by the mouse hole with baited breath. What happened when the cat swallowed a coin? - There was some money in the kitty. What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary? - Shredded tweet! What do cat actors say in a Shakespearean play? - Tabby or not tabby! That is the question. What is the only kind of work a weak cat can do? - Light mouse work Where did the kittens go on their class trip? - To a mewseum What does a cat get from watching too many Mickey Mouse films? - Disney Spells Where did the first cats live? - Purr-sia and Paw-tugal What do you get if you cross a parakeet with a cat? - A peeping Tom  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-02-2004 12:08 PM                        Rated G Licking Tiger Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward. About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued. Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?" The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-13-2004 10:54 AM                        Rated G About Geese When you look to the sky this fall and see the geese migrating South,remember the following: When you see geese flying in a "V" formation,you might be interested in knowing what scientists have discovered about why they fly that way. 1. FACT: As each bird flaps its wings it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a "V" formation, the whole flock adds at least 71 percent greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own. TRUTH: People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going quicker and easier because they are traveling on the trust of one another. 2.FACT: Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird immediately in front. TRUTH: There is strength and power and safety in numbers when traveling in the same direction with whom we share a common goal. 3.FACT:When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point. TRUTH: It pays to take turns doing hard jobs. 4. FACT:The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed. TRUTH: We all need to be remembered with active support and praise. 5. FACT: When a goose gets sick or is wounded and falls out,two geese fall out of formation and follow him down to help and protect him.They stay with him until the crisis resolves,and then they launch out on their own or with another formation to catch up with their group. TRUTH: We must stand by each other in times of need. We Are Fortunate That There Are More Geese In Life Than Turkeys. Let's Remember To Uphold Each Other In Friendship And Give Each Other A Big "Honk" More Often!!!  |  IP: Logged

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