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Topic: Animals
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2004 03:27 PM
Rated G ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
This is a wonderful time of year when the humans decorate the home for us cats in anticipation of the visit from "Santa Claws".
The tree went up yesterday, and so did we! Whee! Made it to the fourth branch within the first five minutes before the Big Owner chased us out of the tree. So, as we do every year, we waited and watched the humans decorate the Cat-mas tree with all sorts of what the humans call "ornaments." We call them "cat toys." Ornaments are invitations to a cat, bright and shiny spheres just daring us to knock them off. And we're pretty good at it, considering all the trees they've decorated.
Every year, humans hang the ornaments a little higher out of our range, forcing us to elevate our game to knock them off. Humans "ohhh and ahhh" as they decorate the Cat-mas tree. Us? We salivate in anticipation of the night's activities.
The humans retire to bed, as is custom during Cat-mas season, leaving us to play with our tree. Tonight is a challenge, the ornaments are at an all-time high. We crept under the tree and began to scale branches. This is great! A tree in our own home, why don't they do this year-round?
Five, six, seven branches, we climb like a pro. Ten, twelve, we are halfway to the top, and there is the first ornament! This is easy as Cat-mas fruitcake. We make our way down the branch approaching the first ornament. It lightly jiggles as our weight causes the bough to bend. Almost there! One paw away and we feel a shudder. Hey, something is not right here, we begin to lose our balance. The room is tilting! No, the room is not tilting.... the Cat-mas tree is falling! ME-OW!!
It seemed like forever as the tree leaned, then pitched, and finally crashed to the floor in a resounding bang of exploding bulbs, ornaments, and broken limbs. We quickly extricated ourselfs from the splintered tree just as the Big Owner came bursting in snapping on the lights and talking excitedly.
There we were, sitting next to the tree, as innocent a look on our faces as any other in the household.
"What happened?" he growled. Not a peep from us, we turned and looked at the tree.
"I guess we hung too many ornaments on one side of the tree," we heard him say later as he hoisted the mangled Cat-mas tree back into place.
"Goo-ood answer," we thought.
The Big Owner staggered off to bed, and we retreated to the living room. Maybe we'll tear down those stockings that were hung by the chimney "with care".
It was a good day.... ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-16-2004 04:17 PM
Rated G
Stumpy's Dog Decorating Tips
Decorating with pooches can provide unique opportunities to express your own personal style and taste. Here are some tips I'd like to share:
1. Bare floors, without carpet or throw rugs, can give a nice open feeling to a room. It can provide a soothing balance when you have many art objects that reflect your love of animals.
2. Paw prints and nose smudges on glass doors and windows break up glare and soften the light in a room.
3. Dog crates, when stacked three high, can add height to a room and pull the eye up. If fastened securely to the wall, the top can provide a safe and dramatic place for exotic plants or statuary that otherwise might be peed on by your pets. An up light can make it a real focal point. Cats love to inhabit the upper crates, leaving the lower ones for the dogs.
4. Old towels and blankets thrown casually on upholstered furniture can add a wonderful homey, country-quilt look to an otherwise bland room.
5. Common smooth upholstery fabrics can look almost velvety when lightly textured with pet hair.
6. Vari-kennels, placed end to end and topped with plate glass can create an unusual coffee table, one your friends will really remember.
7. Doggie beds, randomly placed around a room, can add color and texture, much as throw pillows do.
8. Shredded or chewed books and magazines send a message to guests that they are free to relax and feel at home.
So throw away those videos by Martha Stewart and others, and express your own unique tastes. Your home should reflect what YOU like!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-26-2005 10:10 AM
Rated G Michele
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can't wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy ... This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it...it's too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It's disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
"I know, I know." says the owner. "He's not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'."
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