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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-10-2003 06:07 AM                        Rated G Michele We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets,but look at it from their point of view:why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-16-2003 08:41 AM                        Rated G Michele Veterinarian Pickup Lines "Whoa! Look at THOSE puppies!!" "Your beak says no, but your tail feathers say yes!" "Give me a kiss! Give me a kiss! Who's the good girl?!? Yes,you are the very good girl!!" "Is it warm in here, or are you in heat?"  |  IP: Logged Randy Stankey Film God Posts: 6539 From: Erie, Pennsylvania Registered: Jun 99 posted 09-18-2003 10:57 PM                     PG-13: A penguin is driving his car through the desert. It's hot so he has the air conditioning turned on. After several miles the car starts making loud noises and belcing smoke. The penguin pulls the car off the road and calls a tow truck on his cell phone. After what seemed like an eternity in the hot sun, the tow truck comes and gives him a lift to the nearest town. The poor penguin is sweating profusely. He can't take this desert heat! While his car is in the shop the penguin runs across the street to the local 7-11 to cool off. He buys himself about a dozen ice cream bars. He eats them quickly and is left with ice cream all over his face and hands. Refreshed from his cool snack, penguin walks into the garage to see how the repairs are going. The mechanic peers out from under the hood of the car and says, "It looks like you blew a seal!" The penguin says, "No, I've just been eating ice cream!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 09-19-2003 03:19 PM                        Rated G What did one skunk say to the other skunk when they were cornered? "Let us spray."  |  IP: Logged German Marin Expert Film Handler Posts: 227 From: Verbania (VB), Italy Registered: Jul 2001 posted 09-30-2003 01:08 PM                     A rabbit is running by the jungle when suddenly looks at a giraffe smoking a slice of Marihuana: -Hey giraffe, stop smoke that, come and run with me! It's so healthy! Giraffe think about it, throw the thing and run behind the rabbit. While the couple are running between the trees, they looks at an elephant inhaling coca, then the rabbit says: -My friend elephant, leave that thing, come and run with us! It's so healthy! The elephant throw the mirror and follow them. The three running animals find the lion on their way using an injector full of heroine, and the rabbit says: -Friend lion, don't use that injector, come and run with us! It's so healthy! Suddenly, the lion gives a hammer strike to the rabbit! The rest of the animals ask scandalized to the lion: -Hey! the lil' rabbit just wants to help us!. Lion says: -Damned rabbit!!! Every time he take ecstasy make the whole jungle run!!!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-10-2003 03:56 AM                        Rated G I had a dog with no legs. I used to call him Marlboro. Every night I'd take him out for a quick drag.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 07:24 AM                        Rated G There was an old man in France who used to get up every morning at five A.M. He would then go and sprinkle a white powder on the roads. When he was asked what he was sprinkling on the roads, he answered that it was elephant powder. The person then remarked "But everybody knows that there are no elephants in France!" to which he answered "I guess it must be working then!" ------------------------------------ t was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained posession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 01:46 PM                        Rated G Michele An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing. The elephant slowly looks the man up and down and says,"How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-22-2003 04:51 PM                        Rated GP Rules for Cats to Live By BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom.It is not necessary to doanything.Just sit and stare. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/brstare.gif DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room.To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/utekatt.gif Once door is opened,it is not necessary to use it.After you haveordered an "outside" door opened,stand halfway in and out and thinkabout several things.This is particularly important during very cold weather,rain,snow,or mosquito season. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up,get to a chair quickly.If you cannot managein time,get to an Oriental rug.If there is no Oriental rug,shag is good. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/matbrush.gif When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle,stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as"hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:" 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped onand then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes andbook,unless you can lie across the book itself. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/leskatt.gif 3) For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so asto obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend todoze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure tojump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk,walk acrosskeyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lay in human's lapacross arms,hampering typing in progress. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/putercat.gif WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front ofthe human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms,in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will helptheir coordination skills. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/smygkatt.gif BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/sovkatt.gif LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the boxas possible.Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/cattoilet.gif HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you.Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/bushcat.gif This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that youhave run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will coveryou with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat. ONE LAST THOUGHT: Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turnaround, and present your butt to them. http://www.millan.net/funp/60/danskatt.gif Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-23-2003 02:12 PM                        Rated G Lorraine QUESTION: Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any bear cubs? ANSWER: Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with a shovel and throws dirt on her.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-27-2003 12:55 PM                        Rated R Michele Tom, the farmer's son, comes into the farmhouse and says, "Hey, the bull's screwing a cow!" "Terrible boy," says his mother, "you can't say that, just think if you said that and the vicar was here. You should say that the bull is surprising the cow - that's the posh way to say it." Well, next day the Vicar (as luck would have it) was there, and once more Tom rolls in. This time he announces, "Mom, the bull is surprising all the cows..." "Tom," says his mother, "don't be silly, the bull can only surprise one cow at a time, not them all." "Oh yes he can, Mom, he's screwing the horse!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 10-29-2003 01:59 PM                        Rated G Michele Two farmers where discussing who had the meanest dog. One who had a very mean looking Doberman insisted that his was the meanest and that it could lick any other dog in the county. The second just looked at his mangy old yellow dog and said that he would wager his against any dog in the country. Well after some animated discussion they finally decided to let the dogs fight it out. After a very short snarling match the old yellow dog leaps on the Doberman and kills it outright. The first farmer was aghast. His dog had been beating other dogs for years and had never had more than a small scratch or two. He turns to the other farmer and asks "What kind of dog did you say that was?" The first farmer replies, "Well before he lost his tail we called him a Mountain Lion."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-12-2003 06:45 AM                        Rated G Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, and the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-16-2003 06:29 AM                        Rated G QUESTION: What happens to a cow that is lifted into the air by a tornado? ANSWER: Udder disaster!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2003 11:53 AM                        Rated G Sue Bee MISSING COWS A livestock truck overturned in my town.A TV reporter was doing the broadcast and stated,"Two cows,Black and Gus,escaped into the nearby woods." After the commercial break, the reporter corrected himself, "About that overturned truck,make those Black Angus cattle."  |  IP: Logged

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