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Topic: Animals
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-13-2005 08:26 AM
Rated PG ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
Pet Rules--Memo to the Family Dog and Cat
When I say move, it means go someplace else. It does not mean switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes on the floor are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note: placing a paw or nose-print in the middle of my dinner does not stake your claim on it, nor do I find it aesthetically pleasing in any way.)
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. Locate your inner beast and remember that sleeping animals can actually curl up in a ball, so it is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, humans like to use the bathroom alone. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it won't help to claw, whine, meow, bite the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. (Trust me, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)
When you see me asleep on the couch, it is not funny to make a sudden leap onto my stomach and drop a chew toy, bone or jingle ball on my crotch, no matter how much that makes other family members laugh.
Dog: Don't think for a minute that making a sad face and whimpering pathetically will get you out of trouble when I find a puddle of pee on the carpet. The face and the whimpering only validate that you knew it was wrong when you did it.
Cat: My sitting down to bite into a juicy sandwich is not a signal for you to begin gagging loudly and then hocking up the most disgusting hairball in history.
Dog and Cat: The proper order is kiss me, then go lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-13-2005 12:11 PM
Rated G
To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
3. I like my pet(s) better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me, it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech-challenged.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, are easier to train, usually come when called, don't ask for money, never drive your car, don't hang out with losers, don't drink or smoke, and don't worry about the latest fashions.
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-14-2005 12:29 PM
Rated G
This Should End All 3 Bears Stories......
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It's empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.
Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it's also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!" he roars.
Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, "How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time :
"I HAVEN'T MADE THE FUCKING PORRIDGE YET !!
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 12-21-2005 07:29 AM
Rated G
The 12 Days of "Catmas"
On the first day of Catmas, my humans gave to me. . . A carpeted cheaply home-made cat tree.
(Feeble attempt by the Big Owner to get meoff his bed where I take up most of the space. Sorry, no go.)
On the second day of Catmas,my humans gave to me= Two catnip toys. (They were destroyed within minutes. Next...)
On the third day of Catmas,my humans gave to me. . .Three nuggets of Pounce.(Stingy humans. After they went to bed I knocked the can over and ate the rest.)
On the fourth day of Catmas,my humans gave to me. . . Four furry mice.(Fake, what a disappointment.)
On the fifth day of Catmas,my humans gave to me . . . Five small lattice balls.(They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big Owner took them away the next day.)
On the sixth day of Catmas, my humans gave to me . . . Six floppy stuffed Beanie Dalmations.(95 to go. Big whoop.)
On the seventh day of Catmas, my humans gave to me . . . Seven pet food covers.(Hold on here, buckeroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your dead body.)
On the eighth day of Catmas, my humans gave to me. . . Eight hairball toys.(Looks like the real thing.)
On the ninth day of Catmas,my humans gave to me . . . Nine humans dancing.(Trying not to step on the fake hairballs.)
On the tenth day of Catmas,my humans gave to me . . . Ten balls of twine.(Old reliable. Z-z-z-z-z. I may knit a noose for the Big Owner.)
On the eleventh day of Catmas, my humans gave to me . . . Eleven minutes of scratching.(It's about all the Big Owner can handle before strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me.)
On the twelfth day of Catmas,my humans gave to me . . . Twelve human hugs and kisses.(It makes up for all the rest!) It was a good day.
Mark Mason--Cat Diary, © 2001
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-03-2006 02:21 PM
Rated G
Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,
"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,
"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,
"Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called,
"Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."
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Bob Maar
(Maar stands for Maartini)
Posts: 28608
From: New York City & Newport, RI
Registered: Feb 2001
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posted 01-09-2006 08:29 AM
Rated G B.B.
Animals in a Bar
There's these animals in a restaurant. The waiter comes over at the end of the night ...
The skunk says 'Don't look at me, I haven't got a scent'
The duck says 'Just put it on my bill'
The cow says 'You'll have to ask one of the udders'
The deer says 'I had a buck last week and I'm expecting a little doe soon'
The giraffe says 'Well, I guess the high balls are on me then'
The frog says, "I've got one greenback"
The vampire bat is thinking, "Which one can I stick for the drink today?"
The snake says, "I guess I can't hold my liquor."
Another snake says: " If you think I'm paying that, you can kiss my Asp."
No, the snake said, "It's hiss turn to pay."
The Rhinoceros says: "Don't worry. When the waiter comes I'll just charge it."
The amoeba said, "I've got to split now."
The paramecium said, "I'll split it with him."
The groundhog said, "If you let me go I shadow you a favor."
The turtle said, "I shell pay next time."
The chicken said, "I hope it's cheep."
The elephant said, "But I've hardly trunk a drop."
The dachshund said, "I've got be to getting a long now."
The Manx cat said, "I know you've probably heard this tail before, but I'm a little short."
The chicken said, "If feather I pay it'll be a cold day in hell."
And the snail said, "No, you shell out the same as me"!
And the trotters said "take 50 cents from two quarter-horses".
The beaver said, "Dam if I'll pay".
Ken said "See Barbie 'bout a doll, her".
The cows said "We got plenty o' mooolah".
The bumblebee said "Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z z zzzzzzz off
The zebra said, "It's black and white--I haven't the money."
They each said, "Ask some otter animal."
But the lion said, "I'll pay - I've still got my pride."
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