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Author Topic: Animals Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-08-2005 11:37 AM                        Rated G Question: What do you call a camel with no humps? Answer: Humphrey  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-11-2005 11:23 AM                        Rated G The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover." ;D  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-13-2005 09:46 PM                        Rated G cutie pa2ti Phil: I think my pet duck is broken. Julia: Broken? Phil: Yeah, he has a quack in him.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 08:32 AM                        Rated G Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?" Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously. Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached him. "Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 08:41 AM                        Rated G Darren: Hey, your dog bit my ankle. Kathie: Sorry, but that's as high as he can reach.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:08 AM                        Rated G A Few Thoughts Regarding Dogs "In dog years, I'm dead." -Unknown "Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently about nothing right in your ear." -Dave Barry "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx "Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." -Sue Murphy "No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." -Fran Lebowitz "My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7 in dog money." -Joe Weinstein "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." -Edward Abbey "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." -Unknown "No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." -Christopher Morley "I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." -John Steinbeck  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:33 AM                        Rated G New Dog Breeds-The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC: Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu Oh, never mind....  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-14-2005 09:35 AM                        Rated G Sassy: I had trouble with my horse yesterday. I wanted to go in one direction, and He wanted to go in another. Vikendratnik: So how did you decide? Sassy: He tossed me for it.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-15-2005 11:50 AM                        Rated G B.B. The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-21-2005 03:29 PM                        Rated G DOG PROPERTY LAWS 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG 1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want. 2. Don't go out without ID. 3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes. 4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it. 5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap. 6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most effective. 7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed). 8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 03:05 PM                        Rated G "Whoever said you can't buy happiness forget about puppies." ~~Gene Hill "Dog's feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing in your ear" ~~Dave Barry "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's to dark to read." ~~Groucho Marx  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-22-2005 03:06 PM                        Rated G Do Koreans take their dog's on Woks? If you think your're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 11-22-2005 03:41 PM                        Rated PG A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth,and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!" "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bum. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it,sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "No, what?" replied the man. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 11-23-2005 10:24 AM                        Rated R There was this blind guy waiting at the bus stop when a dog came along, sniffed his leg and peed all over it. The blind guy pulled out a piece of candy and put it down to the dog. A passer-by saw the spectacle and promptly went over to the blind man. "What are you doing," the stranger asked, "You're not going to give that dog a piece of candy for peeing on you, are you?" "No man," said the blind guy, " I want to know which end is his head so I can kick it in the ass."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 12-06-2005 10:36 AM                        Rated G Q. What do you get when a Unicorn is runover by a Mac truck? A. "Creamed" corn. Q. What do you call the best student at Unicorn school? A. The "A"corn. Q. What do Unicorns call their father? A. "Pop" corn. Q. What do Unicorns use for money? A. Corn "Bread."  |  IP: Logged

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