THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!", he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?!!," he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells...
"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?

It was Momma Bear who got up first, It was Momma Bear who woke everyone in the house, It was Momma Bear who made the coffee, It was Momma Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, It was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, It was Momma Bear who set the table, It was Momma Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-butts downstairs, and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time . . .

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."

"WOW!!,What a memory!!!!!!!" says the giraffe.

A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him.

She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways.
"Wow", she thought, "This crab is really special. I can't let
him get away".

So they got married immediately.

The next day she noticed her new husband walking sideways like all the other crabs and got upset.

"What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married,"

"Oh, honey," he replied. "I can't drink that much every day."

In my next life....

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs.
If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

A rat looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package. What food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a rat trap.

Retreating to the barnyard the rat proclaimed the warning; "There's a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Excuse me, Mr. Rat, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The rat turned to the pig and told him, "There's a rat trap in the house, a rat trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Rat," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can do about it but pray. Be assured that you are in my prayers."

The rat turned to the cow.She said, "Like wow, Mr. Rat. a rat trap. I am in grave danger. Duh?"

So the rat returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's rat trap alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house, like the sound of a rat trap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.In the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the barnyard for the soup's main ingredient.

His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well. She died, and so many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat.

The Mating Dogs!

A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.

"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.

The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."

"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"

"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.

A chicken and an egg are laying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says....

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question".

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their
whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to NY
and then on west to Yellowstone.

They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance.Finally the ranger relented.The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told
to report in each and every day.

For several days they called in,and then nothing was heard from the
two scientists.The rangers mounted a search party and found the
scientists'camp completely ravaged.No sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear.They found
the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she
had eaten the scientists because they feared an international incident.

They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach..only to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said,"You know what this means,
don't you?"

"Of course,"the other ranger nodded."The Czech is in the male."

CAT PHRASE - MEANING

Miaow - Feed me.

meeow - Pet me.

mrooww - I love you.

miioo-oo-oo - I am in love and must meet my betrothed outside beneath the hedge. Don't wait up.

mrow - I feel like making noise.

rrrow-mawww - Please, the time is come to tidy the cat box.

rrrow-miawww - I have remedied the cat box untidiness by shoveling the contents as far out of the box as was practical.

miaowmiaow - Play with me.

miaowmioaw - Have you noticed the shortage of available cat toys in this room?

mowww! - I was enjoying snuggling and shedding in the warm clean laundry until you removed me so unkindly.

Barry went to a "block party" in his neighborhood,and noticed that the host's dog was watching a movie on television.

The dog seemed to be absorbed in the plot, wimpering and crying at the sad parts,barking at the action parts and getting excited,and looked away when things got boring.

Barry commented to the host of the party,"I noticed your dog watching that movie on TV... he's really getting into the plot! Don't you think that's unusual?!"

The host looked over at the television,then at his dog and replied,"Absolutely!That IS unusual!He really HATED the book...!"

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:

First woman: My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me.

Second woman: I know

First one: How?

Second one: My dog told me

A frog crosses the road in front of a car and the man, who is driving, is unable to stop in time. He gets out to check on the frog and carries him to the side of the road. The frog is grateful, thanks the man and tells him that he will grant him one wish.

The man says, "Please make my dog win the next dog race."

The frog asks to look at the dog, which limps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has three legs and is very fat, so he tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to grant his wish and asks that the man make another wish.

The man says, "Well, then please make my wife win the next beauty contest in the area."

The frog asks to look at his wife. So the wife gets out of the car and approaches the frog.

DOGS WRITE LETTERS, TOO

Dear God,

How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpet again?