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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 11:00 AM                        Rated G Lorraine Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?" Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-16-2008 11:01 AM                        Rated G Ollie Q. How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time? A. He's Dublin over with laughter!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:09 PM                        Rated G Lorraine IRISH TOAST... May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:11 PM                        Rated G Lorraine May God in His wisdom And infinite love Look down on you always, From Heaven above. May He send you good fortune, Contentment and peace. And may all your blessings Forever increase. HAPPY ST. PATTY'S DAY...TO ALL!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:12 PM                        Rated G B.B. Blessings! Always... May your blessings out number the shamrocks that grow, and may trouble avoid you wherever you go. May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door. May your troubles be less and your blessing be more, And nothing but happiness come through your door. May your pockets be heavy and your heart be light, May good luck pursue you each morning and night May there always be work for your hands to do, May your purse always hold a coin or two. May the sun always shine warm on your windowpane, May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain. May the hand of a friend always be near you, And may God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you! May the Irish hills caress you. May her lakes and rivers bless you. May the luck of the Irish enfold you. May the blessings of Saint Patrick behold you.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-17-2008 03:28 PM                        Rated G Lorraine AN IRISHMAN'S PHILOSOPHY There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: Either you will get well or you will die. If you get well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are two things to worry about: Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell. If you go to heaven, then you have nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with all your friends, then you won't have time to worry!  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-19-2008 01:15 PM                        Rated G Curran said to Father O'Leary, the wittiest priest of his day, "I wish you were St. Peter." "Why?" asked O'Leary. "Because," said Curran, "you would have the keys of heaven, and could let me in." "It would be better for you," said O'Leary, "that I had the keys of the other place, for then I could let you out." (From W.R. LeFanu's "70 Years of Irish Life," 1896)  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2008 05:43 PM                        Rated G Lorraine “May you always walk in sunshine. May you never want for more. May Irish angels rest their wings right beside your door.”  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2008 05:44 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Grant me a sense of humor, Lord, the saving grace to see a joke, To win some happiness from life, And pass it on to other folks.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2008 05:46 PM                        Rated G Lorraine Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-20-2008 05:55 PM                        Rated G Uncle Bubba Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Six... One to hold the bulb and five others to stand around and drink until the room spins.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-22-2008 12:59 PM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont. An Irishman is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his watch several times in the space of a few minutes. The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late ?' 'No,' he replies, 'I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it ?' The Irishman explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The Irishman smirks, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's running about an hour fast. Can I buy you a drink ?  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-13-2009 03:50 PM                        Rated PG Denny in Yonkers Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Flynn said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.  |  IP: Logged Philip Jordan Film Handler Posts: 9 From: Lisburn / Northern Ireland Registered: Oct 2007 posted 11-04-2009 04:26 PM                     Rated PG Paddy caught his wife having an affair. So decided to kill her& himself. He puts a gun to his head, looks at wife &says dont laugh 'u r next'.  |  IP: Logged Gordon Bachlund Jedi Master Film Handler Posts: 696 From: Monrovia, CA, USA Registered: Aug 1999 posted 01-19-2010 04:11 PM                        Rated G... Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fainted when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in Church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?" Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to Church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of Church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without the hat than burn in Hell, right?" Murphy slowly shook his head and said, "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left me hat."  |  IP: Logged

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