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Author Topic: Irish Jokes Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-24-2006 04:22 PM                        Rated G Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in tree by a farmer. "What happened?" said the farmer. Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, "Well," said the farmer, "if you had of asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 03:12 PM                        Rated G The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway: Gentlemen, I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day.I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago. Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan ************************************** Dear Mr. Finnegan, We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot. Sincerely, Larnrod Eireann ********************************************* Gentlemen, I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter,you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.That,gentlemen,is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years! Patrick Finnegan  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 07:45 PM                        Rated G After the gulf war all the oil fires in Kuwait except one had been put out and this one resisted all attempts. Finally someone said that the only man who could put it out was Red Adair, it would be expensive but worth it. They contacted Red who said that he was unable to help because he was busy with a big fire in Venezuela but his Irish cousin, Green Adair who lived in Dublin, was just as good at this sort of work. They rang Green Adair who agreed to put the fire out for them, he would be there within 12 hours and it would cost $500,000 US. It was agreed and eleven and a half hours later a C130 landed in the desert alongside the fire, a big fire truck rolled out of the back and without stopping gathered speed and drove straight into the fire. After a short while the fire went out and the truck came out the other side. It drove up to the assembled crowd and coasted slowly to a halt. Green Adair got out and was greeted by the chairman of the company. He offered his congratulations for having done exactly as he said he would, arriving within 12 hours and putting the fire out. The chairman then said " here is your $500,000 dollars and just out of interst what are you going to do with it ?". Green replied " the first thing I'm going to do is get the brakes on that bloody truck fixed".  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 07:50 PM                        Rated G Two Irishmen are flying home from London. Shortly after taking off there is a big explosion and the pilot announces that one of the four engines has gone and the flight will take 20 minutes longer. Not long afterwards the pilot announces that a second engine has failed and the flight time will be 40 minutes longer. Half an hour later the pilot speaks to the passenger again to say that the third engine has gone out and they will arrive an hour late. At this time, one of the Irishman turns to the other and remarks "I hope that fourth engine keeps going or we'll be up here all night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 04-12-2006 07:53 PM                        Rated G Michael An American tourist was boasting to an Irishman how advanced the Americans are. "Gee, we've even put a man on the moon." "That's nothing," replied the Irishman,"we're going to put a man on the sun." "Don't be stupid," said the American," "he'll fry before he even gets there." "Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 03:03 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers O'Leary was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!" Miraculously, a parking place appeared. O'Leary looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 03:04 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers Father McGowan walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Leary and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Leary said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Leary said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 03:06 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers McGowan was in New York, patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and McGowan still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, McGowan went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 03:07 PM                        Rated G Denny in Yonkers McGowan opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, O'Leary. "Did you see the paper?" asked McGowan. "They say I died!!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied O'Leary. "Where are ye callin' from?"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 01-22-2007 03:09 PM                        Rated G Denny In Yonkers Michael staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Francis. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary Anne. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Michael sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Michael woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary Anne staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Michael said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," Mary Anne said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2007 08:41 AM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his pra yers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2007 08:43 AM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont. There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven." The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times." The priest thought long and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and drink the juice." The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?" The pries t said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-01-2007 08:45 AM                        Rated R Ed in Aurora, Ont. An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times." Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?" Man: "What sins?" Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?" Man: "I'm Jewish." Priest: "Why are y ou telling me all this?" Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody!!"  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 02-20-2007 08:36 PM                        Rated X Ed in Aurora, Ont. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me beautiful wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said,"Here's to spending the rest of me life,sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed,John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said,"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you,Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."  |  IP: Logged Bob Maar (Maar stands for Maartini) Posts: 28608 From: New York City & Newport, RI Registered: Feb 2001 posted 03-06-2007 08:08 AM                        Rated G Hank in Simi Valley An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?" "Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off. "What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.. a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life." A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him. "Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?" "My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right." "Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?" "Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!" "I did that fer ye also." And tell me, how's yer sex life?" The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,"It's OK.""C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun , "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job.How many times a week?" Blushing even more,the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week." "What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?" "Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."  |  IP: Logged

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