Speech

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society.

All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.

When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

"Well," he explained, "By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin Iindicated balls and thus Gentlemen.

So my speech started: Ladies andGentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making anantler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin was starting my speech by saying Deer Ladies andGentlemen."

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making anantler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked himwhat he was doing.

 |  IP: Logged

At a wedding just outside Cavan in Ireland, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families wrecked the reception room and generally kicked the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally bought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy, the best man, stood up and said, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agreed and asked Paddyto take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.Paddy said, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "God...that must of hurt!"

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods. Looking for the ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water bottle from his belt and poured it over the little guy, reviving him. "Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back, hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me, how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

"I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "Errr, all right, I suppose." "C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -- sometimes twice a week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a week?"

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.

"The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father.."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

A couple is attending an Art exhibit and they arelooking at a portrait that has them a little takenaback. The picture depicts 3 very black, very naked men sitting on a park bench; 2 have a black penis and the one in the middle has a pink penis.

As the couple is looking somewhat puzzled at the picture, the Irish artist walks by and says, "Can Ihelp you with this painting? I'm the artist who painted it."

The man says "Well, we like the painting but don't understand why you have 3 African men on a bench, and the one in the middle has a pink penis, while the
other two have a black penis."

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar.

They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

A Jewish man, a Scotsman, and an Irish man died and were condemned to Hell.

The devil approached them and said, " If one of you, just one of you, can name one thing I can't do, I will spare you all."

The Jewish man pointed to a mountain and said, "Turn that mountain to gold!"

The devil snapped his fingers, and it was done.

The Scotsman pointed to a river and said, "Turn that river to brandy."

The devil snapped his fingers and it was done.

The devil turned to the Irish man and said, "This is your last chance to save you all."

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky paitents were Patty and Mike.

They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.

When Patty came into the office she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor."Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.The first question was this:

"Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.

The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.

"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.

This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and Ithink I should explain what happened".

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it istraditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".

How can one pick an Irish cock sucker out of a group of
cock suckers?